That can be a real load off someone's personal pysche and persona. Literally. It's almost pathetic how one can ride on the illusion of a real fanstastically unrealistic almost surreal fantasy. It becomes consuming and categorically sick. I confess. I was one of these people. And in my persona, I still dream the dream and try to make it go on and almost convince my self that this could be my future but its not.
It's reminiscent of that movie that made me tear up and cry so much that my stomach ached as much as my heart did. Had I been able to pick up the pieces of my broken heart, the collage would have come together as the semblance of a broken person or image. I didn't tear up at Vanilla Sky because of the ending but because of what I believed was the moral or my interpretation of the movie and "missed opportunities."
I'm not talking about professional, career changing or business opportunities. I'm talking about what others deem as THE ONE THAT WALKED AWAY. Mine didn't walk way. I walked away. I walked away from some one who could have been something or someone.
Notice the word "could" meaning that person wasn't, couldn't be, isn't nor ever will be what I want them to be. But, it so happened I thought if I fantasized about it enough, conjured him, and thought about him enough that I would WILL us together. The sickening and compulsive nature of this was that it became a daily addiction. I was so miserable in my present relationship I obsessed compulsively about another person and what could be that I was remiss in my immediate situation. I would make my self fall asleep thinking about the reunion or that chance meeting that would change my life and bring me back to ten or more years ago.
It never happened. When it did happen, not a chance meeting but one of a planned encounter, it was an encounter of a third kind. Literally. It was so surreal, for neither one of us did it ever meet the expectation that had been built up in our minds. Even after the encounter, this realization was shattering. Dawning.
I write about this because I think in writing the words there is more closure than actually saying or thinking them. I closed my self off to any possibility exactly a year ago. When I say a possibility, it might have been for another encounter even just for coffee but something. I realized, though, that this was not healthy. I wasn't receiving anything from the relationship - a call once awhile, some minor flirtation, a glance my way, an acknowledgement but that's it. I would never get that human warmth, companionship or support from him either as a friend or more.
I had friends whose worth was so much more. His, was one of lacking and unconcern. The fact that I wanted more for so long was irrelevant and the fact that I want more now is. So, today, with no remorse I voiced the truth. I said things that for some odd reason I couldn't say. I had been holding back so many truths when holding back is not something I do. Yes, I do it in order not to hurt those I care and love but none of those two factors matter any more.
And now, I finally feel a new release. I feel good. I am no longer bound by a sense of falsehood or pretense needed on my part. I don't need to protect myself because this is the here and now. My reality is one of my own and not made up of fantastical romanticism. Here, I let go of yet another part of my "secret life" there never led to anything. There was never any moment that I can say "smile because it happened" because it didn't.
But, I realized it. It some what hurts but I'm ready to move on. That's a good thing.
-Meow Meow
