This Cat holds a Grudge

I struggle a lot with forgiving. I am only human. I often ask am I a good person if I am angry or upset about something? Or I wish ill on someone if they cross me or don't do something for me or just didn't missed hurting my feelings. The worst thing about me is I don't tell that person I'm upset. I curse a lot, curse in my mind and then I get picture bubbles over my head thinking "car run over this person or may a thousand cats and their claws fall from the sky fall on this person."

I'm struggling with my spirituality. I have just started back a few years going to church and now even daring to go to church a few times a month. It's a process. I can walk into church like a Mr. Jekyll and then walk out like Mr. Hyde. That's the beauty of it, the therapy of going to church, any church. It helps you think about yourself, reflect on your week and think "wow, I do that or I did that." Then, set a reminder for yourself to at least try not to do it again, or try to do something better next time or learn something new. At least learn something over again because you're just not doing it. I mention this, because it's important to me and this realization of this blog. This collaborative blog comes from me feeling a certain way.

Maybe I feel jilted. I know I'm feeling a little alone. I know I'm alone because I feel jilted. I know that part of my catharsis is me needed to let this out. Let it go. I need to let go.

I need to forgive that friend for forgetting my birthday. I need to forget that I was sent a facebook message instead of receiving that call. I need to forget that a text message was replaced by an actual card. I need to forget that not one of my "friends" called me. I got tons of  fb msgs but no calls. Not my niece, not my other niece, not my bf, not even my mother. My husband didn't even tell my kids to greet me. So, of course I walked in from work and being depressed about the day and also no one saw me.

No one SAW ME. How insignificant am I that no one could call? Do I not breathe, have skin, an exterior, have a soul, an existence? Maybe a car hitting me or me in a coma might make people miss me or have a realization of my worth. Here I am justifying my life worth is that of my kids' since they need me. Or maybe they don't then, after all?

Can you tell I was hurt? I mean really hurt.

To preface this, I had been planning since last year this big trip! This trip would be the trips of all trips. This would be the trip where I wouldn't be married or have kids or have this real life but I would become someone else. I wouldn't be fat, unattractive or unwanted. I would be a single woman with a fun life for one social weekend. And to really top it off, I was going to have my crew with me to enjoy it as well. This was an all-girl weekend to celebrate my birthday before the big middle age CAT YEARS coming on. My pre-cougar prowl before COUGARDOM.

Cougardom never came because my "friends" canceled a month before my big B. I was wondering I wasn't getting any calls back, no fb msgs, no texts back. I had to ask "are we still on?" AND finally, two weeks before, everybody's life took precedent. Everybody's woes took place before mine. Never mind that we too had financial problems, work problems, marital problems, family obligations and more. Again, I felt hurt.

I deleted people on FB. Oh the beauty of that. You can't see what I post anymore because you just don't care so why should I share with you? I stopped returning calls or text messages. Don't write me or tell me "things are going shitty for you" because they are for me, also but you just don't care! It's all about you.

Yeah so I sound a little selfish? So what? We all deserve our selfish moments and I think I have very little of them that I can reprimand and demand. That's all I have. I'm just an overworked professional/mommy/entrepreneur with over 100 things to do per day and I need a break, sometime.

And hence, it's been a month and a half and I'm still upset. Kinda. I still haven't returned a call or a text. I got some fb msgs of those who I am upset with (because they weren't deleted- seniority helped them). I made sure my responses were generic and cold.

But I'm feeling like maybe I should call it a truce? Ok, so I didn't get what I wanted? It's over. Get over it!!

I just saw a show about the power of forgiveness. There were stories of 9-11 and murders and other tragic things that happened to people and the aftermath of the families having to deal with the losses. I thought " I don't have a leg to stand on." Then, at church there was the recycled yearly and almost monthly message of being thankful for the little things and thanking God for them. It was all guilt-ridden of being thankful for our feet, arms, our family members, food on the table, shelter over our heads and it all came back to me.

I asked God to please take this anger and pettiness out of my heart and mind. I asked this earnestly. I had walked in angry to church from a few things a brewing in my mind and heart and I walked out with a smile.

I still haven't called my bff. I want to tell her why I'm angry with her. I want to tell her that I expected her to at least remember. I can still do that. Little steps at a time. Lose that ego, lose that pride.

In the meantime, I woke up, it was raining - pouring- and I still felt happy. I said, "God, thank you for allowing me just to wake up." - MEOW MEOW  

About Squirrel

Unfortunately, it really annoys me. All I wanted was a breast and a wing. I didn't want just white meat or dark meat. Normally, they don't mind to give you dark meat since it's so faux pas or unhealthy to eat dark meat. So, when I asked for the dark meat in my 2 piece meal. I was promptly told by an ambitious aspiring to be Chicken Fast Food Manager, MD that I could not make that type of complicated costly request. You knowwwww that THAT costs the company much money, right? I didn't know this. But, this little power hungry corporate ladder climber informed me "We can't do that." "WEEEEE." We?!! Hmmm.

Obviously, this soon-to-be promoted ex-line cook cashier-customer-service type was invested in this very prestigious "upscale" Chicken company and has defined them self in the plural with the "we." There are no singulars in this person's didactic choice of communication.  I, country bumpkin know nothing of corporate policies or furthermore, the expensive cost involved in switching out a drum leg for a wing.

After all isn't a drum leg bigger than a wing? There is obviously no meat on a wing and I was requesting more meat. So, I had to ask?

"Excuse me, do you own stock in this company? Are you the owner of this company?"

Mr. Future Chicken Manager looks blankly at me. Thinking back to the three-day intensive chicken university training, "no substitutions allowed in cheap ass 2 piece meals. company already giving freebies. can't give customer more for a mere 2.99 meal. only help the bucket buyers averaging $17 a purchase." Mr. Future Chicken Manager's programmed mind is back in check.  The TOP CHICKEN MANAGER "THE ROOSTER" OF THIS GREAT CHICKEN CHAIN CAME OUT TO ASSIST THIS VERY IMPORTANT CUSTOMER. Cause after all, the customer is always right?

Fortunately, MR. TOP CHICKEN MANAGER was customer-oriented. He looked at Mr. Future Chicken Manager and said "it's okay, Mr. Squirrel can have the leg. Weeee can do That."

Yes, I secured my leg. Future Chicken Manager still stared blankly at me as we exchanged the monetary transaction. Mr. Rooster even thanked me. Glad I made a difference for future unnoticed 2.99 purchasers battling against the big-purchasing power of the bucket customers who have more options.       

That's my beef, not my chicken about Customer Service. Enough Said.    - SQUIRREL

    

Coconut Custard Pie, Not Custard...

Coconut Custard!!!!

 My goodness, if anything was ever an aphrodisiac, it should have been coconut custard pie! I mean, really! It's that good. I learned about coconut custard pie when my half sister from the Cats' Island (heh heh "meow meow's homeland)," came to live with us and her favorite treat was always coconut custard pie, Oh my gosh! It was a God send because I learned that I could eat a whole pie by my self. Of course I couldn't because I was 12 and there was my sister, my parents, and you had to share. But, man did I eat more than half of my share.


There started the love of coconut custard pie. Yeah, and the many trips to the store and my eating a whole pie all by myself. All by myself. That's it.

Mind you, I am now overweight. It's not because of that pie because we could lay blame on cheesecake, donuts, bread, and any other sweet pastry or any thing made of refined white flour that I like. You can also blame three kids later after 12 years, a sedentary job, pure laziness and an unused gym club membership (that's a top level gym club membership, also).

I think my mother is most reminded of my nice slim size 7/9 figure which is not exactly slim in societal norms but damn, I looked good. She no longer lives with me but she comes and visits. Every time she comes and visits I am scolded about what  I should or shouldn't eat. I shouldn't eat after 6p. I shouldn't buy sweets. I shouldn't, I shouldn't, I shouldn't. After all, she's my mother even after 39 years and she is so worried about my weight.

She looks at me. Serious look of concern on her face. I think she is almost going to cry. I think she is going to say something serious but I know, I know. It's all about how I got this way and how sad it is for her. She tells this to me, my sister, my other sister, her best friend, anybody who will listen to her and beeeelieeeveee that her daughter was not this way. How could she be this way? Please believe her when she says Meow Meow used to be so skinny.

So, here comes Coconut Custard pie.

My mom is torturing me staying 3 months with me because she misses me. Do I miss her? That's for another topic but Yes, I will say it. And I will say what I mean!! (Note to free flow diary/future blog postings: The Visits).

We're at the local supermarket, buying extras for the house. Screeching halt -sign reads: "Oops, we've overbaked." Damn those bakers!!! Damn them to kingdom come! What's on the rack? Chocolate croissants. Nope. Tomato focaccia bread. Nope. Custard pie?? What? Noooooo. It's Coconut Custard Pie! Double Damn!

Do I pick it up? Thoughts race in my mind? Why the hell am I here with my mother? On this day? At this supermarket?

ANDDD ANNND it's two dollars off! It's 4.99, it's 2.50. That makes it even more important TO ME.

I can pick it up, take it in my card, hide it under my grocery bag and make my mother wait up front for me but nooo. She wouldn't do that. She's too nosy. She has to see what I'm paying. Ok, so I just it put in on the belt at the register. When she sees it. I'll say it's for the office.

Wrong. I'm the only one that works at my office. I'm a contractor and have my own office, and generally, there's no one there but my self. And of course in this instance, the coconut custard pie and me.

Sadness. I can't take the pressure. I can't take the pie. Just to see her look, one of concern, one of disgust, one of awe (for my outright lie) and one of disdain (for my gluttony). I reluctantly let go of the pie and don't take it with me.

Fast forward to today: Squirrel and I talk about my need for the frickin' coconut custard pie. Shitttt. I want that pie. I deserve that pie. I told Squirrel about my white pants (Another Future blog posting: White Pants Reggaeton). So, Squirrel says next time, your mother complains about your weight or what you are going to eat or if you want to eat that custard pie, you say...

" I can have that custard pie, dammit, mom! I deserve it. Suppose I don't get that custard pie? I get run over today by a car or a shopping cart? I will be mad as hell." That was good enough for me. You're right Squirrel!

But, then again. I might not be alive to be able to even complain about not having the pie. Knowing me, I sure as hell will come back and haunt my mom about my custard pie. "Giveee meeee myyyyy cuussstarrrrrrrd pieeeeeeee. Pieeeeeeeee-eehhhhhhhh!"  - MEOW MEOW

The Origination of it all!

Awwwright, so yesterday Squirrel and I got into it, meaning we just yakked and talked and talked and talked and decided let's get it down on paper.  We are so tired of feeling what we feel but not allowed to say it. It's kind of therapeutic to actually say it, NOT DO IT but say it and WTF! Why not? Too many times, we are not allowed to say or even feel the way we do.

Meaning if you're depressed, sad, angry, worried or whatever, you have to suppress it. Yeah yeah, someone asks you "how are you?" Now, reallly. Are you going to say for real what you feel? "Wellll, now that you ask, I was feeling like I wanted to commit suicide before you came along two minutes ago. But, for you I will keep to societal norms and say 'Fine, thank you and yourself?' And that's not the truth.

And you're tired of complaining and whining to your best friend, your cousin, your friend, sister -whoever...It is quite embarrassing to ALWAYS have a complaint. My goodness! How selfish can you be? Only to think of yourself, your woes, your problems, your shoes. How dare you complain about your job, your kids, your husband, your bills, your life, you?

So, you trudge along. Keep it within yourself. Don't say a thing. You wear it well  - thank you, Pierre Cardin. But, you don't wear it well. It's gnawing at you, it bothers you, you think it about, you make a feeble attempt to complain, you prefer to not say a thing and then, something else happens adding to it. That sandpile keeps growing and growing.

This is a collaboration between two kind kindred spirits who are not only sincere and kind who may appear to be complaining but quite the opposite. This is Therapy! We are smiling, feeling better as we write about this or that, a thought, a memory, a recollection, WE think others are feeling the same and would like to share with us.

 So, please note our email. nocomplaintshere2010@gmail.com. It's not about complaining - leave that up to us - suggest a topic to follow, or write on, or share an experience and we'll try to do that. Mind you, this is our blog so we might just be consumed about ourselves. Remember, this our therapy and you can join us if you want. Heh. Heh.


 JUST SAY IT!!!!