This Cat holds a Grudge

I struggle a lot with forgiving. I am only human. I often ask am I a good person if I am angry or upset about something? Or I wish ill on someone if they cross me or don't do something for me or just didn't missed hurting my feelings. The worst thing about me is I don't tell that person I'm upset. I curse a lot, curse in my mind and then I get picture bubbles over my head thinking "car run over this person or may a thousand cats and their claws fall from the sky fall on this person."

I'm struggling with my spirituality. I have just started back a few years going to church and now even daring to go to church a few times a month. It's a process. I can walk into church like a Mr. Jekyll and then walk out like Mr. Hyde. That's the beauty of it, the therapy of going to church, any church. It helps you think about yourself, reflect on your week and think "wow, I do that or I did that." Then, set a reminder for yourself to at least try not to do it again, or try to do something better next time or learn something new. At least learn something over again because you're just not doing it. I mention this, because it's important to me and this realization of this blog. This collaborative blog comes from me feeling a certain way.

Maybe I feel jilted. I know I'm feeling a little alone. I know I'm alone because I feel jilted. I know that part of my catharsis is me needed to let this out. Let it go. I need to let go.

I need to forgive that friend for forgetting my birthday. I need to forget that I was sent a facebook message instead of receiving that call. I need to forget that a text message was replaced by an actual card. I need to forget that not one of my "friends" called me. I got tons of  fb msgs but no calls. Not my niece, not my other niece, not my bf, not even my mother. My husband didn't even tell my kids to greet me. So, of course I walked in from work and being depressed about the day and also no one saw me.

No one SAW ME. How insignificant am I that no one could call? Do I not breathe, have skin, an exterior, have a soul, an existence? Maybe a car hitting me or me in a coma might make people miss me or have a realization of my worth. Here I am justifying my life worth is that of my kids' since they need me. Or maybe they don't then, after all?

Can you tell I was hurt? I mean really hurt.

To preface this, I had been planning since last year this big trip! This trip would be the trips of all trips. This would be the trip where I wouldn't be married or have kids or have this real life but I would become someone else. I wouldn't be fat, unattractive or unwanted. I would be a single woman with a fun life for one social weekend. And to really top it off, I was going to have my crew with me to enjoy it as well. This was an all-girl weekend to celebrate my birthday before the big middle age CAT YEARS coming on. My pre-cougar prowl before COUGARDOM.

Cougardom never came because my "friends" canceled a month before my big B. I was wondering I wasn't getting any calls back, no fb msgs, no texts back. I had to ask "are we still on?" AND finally, two weeks before, everybody's life took precedent. Everybody's woes took place before mine. Never mind that we too had financial problems, work problems, marital problems, family obligations and more. Again, I felt hurt.

I deleted people on FB. Oh the beauty of that. You can't see what I post anymore because you just don't care so why should I share with you? I stopped returning calls or text messages. Don't write me or tell me "things are going shitty for you" because they are for me, also but you just don't care! It's all about you.

Yeah so I sound a little selfish? So what? We all deserve our selfish moments and I think I have very little of them that I can reprimand and demand. That's all I have. I'm just an overworked professional/mommy/entrepreneur with over 100 things to do per day and I need a break, sometime.

And hence, it's been a month and a half and I'm still upset. Kinda. I still haven't returned a call or a text. I got some fb msgs of those who I am upset with (because they weren't deleted- seniority helped them). I made sure my responses were generic and cold.

But I'm feeling like maybe I should call it a truce? Ok, so I didn't get what I wanted? It's over. Get over it!!

I just saw a show about the power of forgiveness. There were stories of 9-11 and murders and other tragic things that happened to people and the aftermath of the families having to deal with the losses. I thought " I don't have a leg to stand on." Then, at church there was the recycled yearly and almost monthly message of being thankful for the little things and thanking God for them. It was all guilt-ridden of being thankful for our feet, arms, our family members, food on the table, shelter over our heads and it all came back to me.

I asked God to please take this anger and pettiness out of my heart and mind. I asked this earnestly. I had walked in angry to church from a few things a brewing in my mind and heart and I walked out with a smile.

I still haven't called my bff. I want to tell her why I'm angry with her. I want to tell her that I expected her to at least remember. I can still do that. Little steps at a time. Lose that ego, lose that pride.

In the meantime, I woke up, it was raining - pouring- and I still felt happy. I said, "God, thank you for allowing me just to wake up." - MEOW MEOW