Mothers and Their Tongues

Or should I better say their lack of tact? I guess that's okay and almost apropo since the blog name is "or just say it" which my mother so often does and rarely thinking if she hurts my feelings. This is why just the thought of my mother visiting makes me wince. Yes, while others are so happy to have their mothers around, I'm so happy to have her not around. Don't get me wrong. I want her happy and healthy just not around me especially not around me to make me feel bad.

You see mommy dearest (not quite) is attached the most to me the youngest of 3 other half siblings. She is not attached to me because she loves me the most. She is not attached to me the most because she might think since I'm the youngest I might need help, quite the contrary. She thinks she's done a lot for me (discussion for another time). She is attached to me because out of the four, I am the only one who is fool enough to take her around to do her errands, cook for her, take her out, try to have a decent relationship and pretends to be a caring daughter. I try, I try but it is so hard. It is so hard when while you try, you get knocked down from everything about your personal being, life, job and choices is so often criticized. I never seem to do right by my mother's standards.

Of course, how can I? I was born the ugly duckling, first off. Yes, my mother was a beauty queen in her age. Her other children (my half siblings) also inherited these starlet traits. This, to my mother is the most highest of rankings. Secondly, most of my half siblings (whom are also significantly older and have times to establish themselves) are well off or have done well for themselves, obviously without my mom's help. Third off, the more estranged any of her children are to my mother, the more she pines for their attention and craves their love and thus, has forever stamped "UNCONDITIONAL APPROVAL" of. Me, on the other hand, I was born ugly.

Yes, I inherited the blotchy breakout skin, course curly mousy brown hair on my father's side, round face, small squinty eyes and a bulbous nose. I did not inherit my mother's side of the four generations of German fair skin ancestry nor the green or blue eyes. For years, as a young child, I would cry kneeling in front of my mother begging her to tell me the truth about my adoptive parents. I could not believe that I was born of this woman who had other goddess-like daughters whose shoes I would never fit. Good grades, smarts and a nice personality just never seemed to me to be quite enough.


And then, it became the always "I'm just not good enough for you." I really really and to this day, some 40 years after ward I feel the same. I'm that little girl with the blotchy breakout skin, course curly mousy brown hair, round face, squinty eyes and bulbous nose (and now very overweight) feeling very inadequate.

Which leads me to...since my mom came back for her yearly trip. She has long retired, moved back home but yearly wants to take a vacation WITH ME spending time sleeping, eating, and shopping at my house for not 2 weeks, one month but for at times, up to three months! This time, she dares to insinuate she is staying until New Years (that's almost four months)! This is going to be a long winter.So, obviously I avoid her as much as possible. It helps believe me so I can do the things that she needs me to do for her and so I don't become the bitch that I want to be at the drop of a word. Then, there's always the guilt that I feel when I come home and I go straight to me room and avoid talking to her and at times, go to sleep with just only saying "good night" to her for the whole day.


How horrible can that be? Last night was a prime example why I do that. I was holed up in my room and she obviously felt the need to be concerned that I was on the computer working at such a late hour. She came in and sat on my bed while I twiddled on my computer. She asked if I had an pictures for her to see of the kids because my other sibling had showed her so many of her family when my mother went over. Of course, I felt obliged to have to show her. Most of the pics I really liked, I didn't want to show her since they are mostly of my husband's family, the family that has loved and adopted me as one of their own for 16 years. The family that is there for me when I feel down or have no where to go. The family that shows my children love. Therefore, I showed some of the crappy pictures I had and occasionally some of my husband's family would show up and I could see my mother's look of discontent and biting her lip.

But, then there was the picture of me. I saw her when she saw one of my children and my self and she didn't say anything. BUT I SAW. I saw. That was enough. I knew I looked large in that picture and most unattractive. I knew she saw that. But, she made light conversation saying how wonderful my half sister looked now that she had lost so much weight, that it had taken years off her age. " Oh Lord, I know where this is heading.."

There came my mother's remark "ewwwwwwwww, who the heck is that?"
I was like "what do you mean?"
She replied "who is that woman? She is so ugly."
Silence. "That's me." Explanations followed - my hair was pulled back, my grey hair was showing, I had the big sunglasses on, the picture was too up close since I took if of my self and more.

Then, came the " Gaaawwwwwd, what can I do for you? How can you lose weight? How can I help you lose weight? All the health repercussions. Seriously, you have to eat less" and on and on and on. All I could do was sink further in my chair. It was too good to be true to be holed up in my only sanctuary of the house and she had to come in an invade it and bring down the walls of my personal and mental safety.

It was this easily done as the not buying the coconut custard pie in front of my mom. Which by the way, moments before...I was grabbing a bowl of cereal when she also noted that I was eating way too much cereal so late at night and I should skip those bowls of cereal. I needed to eat less. I needed not to eat. I needed to eat only cereal. I needed. I needed.

Where were you ever when I needed you woman? Where were you when I was teased in elementary school? Where were you when I pondered suicide so many times growing up? Where were you when I needed a loving mother and friend? You are certainly the one that never had a kind word, that didn't think twice to slap me, pull my hair, hit me with whatever came to your hand and control my every movement. And yet, you still insist to be near me to beat me down which ever way you want even more so with your looks and actions now.

I remembered Squirrel. I remembered the coconut custard pie. I screamed back " a truck runs over me tomorrow, I will seriously regret not eating this bowl of warm milk and froot loops." To which mommy dearest jabbered a whole row of retorts to which I didn't listen to as I went up to my whole. Which she later invaded. And the comment of my ugliness.

No wonder I woke up having had nightmares with her. And no lie, in the nightmare, I was so angry with her, I was choking her. Wow.

I think now, mothers and their tongues. I know where my venom comes from and its not pretty. I can do so much damage with the hissing of my tongue. I need to reflect on that. Slither back into some hole in the ground next time I intend such vile remarks upon my children and tear down those personal walls of safety and security and bring down their inner being. I hurt. I'm sorry kids. I know I have hurt you. I'm sorry.

Therefore, right now. Exhale. Wipe my eyes. Think. I'm better than this. I can do better. I'm not perfect. I am certainly not the best mother but I can do better.  - MEOW MEOW

This Cat holds a Grudge

I struggle a lot with forgiving. I am only human. I often ask am I a good person if I am angry or upset about something? Or I wish ill on someone if they cross me or don't do something for me or just didn't missed hurting my feelings. The worst thing about me is I don't tell that person I'm upset. I curse a lot, curse in my mind and then I get picture bubbles over my head thinking "car run over this person or may a thousand cats and their claws fall from the sky fall on this person."

I'm struggling with my spirituality. I have just started back a few years going to church and now even daring to go to church a few times a month. It's a process. I can walk into church like a Mr. Jekyll and then walk out like Mr. Hyde. That's the beauty of it, the therapy of going to church, any church. It helps you think about yourself, reflect on your week and think "wow, I do that or I did that." Then, set a reminder for yourself to at least try not to do it again, or try to do something better next time or learn something new. At least learn something over again because you're just not doing it. I mention this, because it's important to me and this realization of this blog. This collaborative blog comes from me feeling a certain way.

Maybe I feel jilted. I know I'm feeling a little alone. I know I'm alone because I feel jilted. I know that part of my catharsis is me needed to let this out. Let it go. I need to let go.

I need to forgive that friend for forgetting my birthday. I need to forget that I was sent a facebook message instead of receiving that call. I need to forget that a text message was replaced by an actual card. I need to forget that not one of my "friends" called me. I got tons of  fb msgs but no calls. Not my niece, not my other niece, not my bf, not even my mother. My husband didn't even tell my kids to greet me. So, of course I walked in from work and being depressed about the day and also no one saw me.

No one SAW ME. How insignificant am I that no one could call? Do I not breathe, have skin, an exterior, have a soul, an existence? Maybe a car hitting me or me in a coma might make people miss me or have a realization of my worth. Here I am justifying my life worth is that of my kids' since they need me. Or maybe they don't then, after all?

Can you tell I was hurt? I mean really hurt.

To preface this, I had been planning since last year this big trip! This trip would be the trips of all trips. This would be the trip where I wouldn't be married or have kids or have this real life but I would become someone else. I wouldn't be fat, unattractive or unwanted. I would be a single woman with a fun life for one social weekend. And to really top it off, I was going to have my crew with me to enjoy it as well. This was an all-girl weekend to celebrate my birthday before the big middle age CAT YEARS coming on. My pre-cougar prowl before COUGARDOM.

Cougardom never came because my "friends" canceled a month before my big B. I was wondering I wasn't getting any calls back, no fb msgs, no texts back. I had to ask "are we still on?" AND finally, two weeks before, everybody's life took precedent. Everybody's woes took place before mine. Never mind that we too had financial problems, work problems, marital problems, family obligations and more. Again, I felt hurt.

I deleted people on FB. Oh the beauty of that. You can't see what I post anymore because you just don't care so why should I share with you? I stopped returning calls or text messages. Don't write me or tell me "things are going shitty for you" because they are for me, also but you just don't care! It's all about you.

Yeah so I sound a little selfish? So what? We all deserve our selfish moments and I think I have very little of them that I can reprimand and demand. That's all I have. I'm just an overworked professional/mommy/entrepreneur with over 100 things to do per day and I need a break, sometime.

And hence, it's been a month and a half and I'm still upset. Kinda. I still haven't returned a call or a text. I got some fb msgs of those who I am upset with (because they weren't deleted- seniority helped them). I made sure my responses were generic and cold.

But I'm feeling like maybe I should call it a truce? Ok, so I didn't get what I wanted? It's over. Get over it!!

I just saw a show about the power of forgiveness. There were stories of 9-11 and murders and other tragic things that happened to people and the aftermath of the families having to deal with the losses. I thought " I don't have a leg to stand on." Then, at church there was the recycled yearly and almost monthly message of being thankful for the little things and thanking God for them. It was all guilt-ridden of being thankful for our feet, arms, our family members, food on the table, shelter over our heads and it all came back to me.

I asked God to please take this anger and pettiness out of my heart and mind. I asked this earnestly. I had walked in angry to church from a few things a brewing in my mind and heart and I walked out with a smile.

I still haven't called my bff. I want to tell her why I'm angry with her. I want to tell her that I expected her to at least remember. I can still do that. Little steps at a time. Lose that ego, lose that pride.

In the meantime, I woke up, it was raining - pouring- and I still felt happy. I said, "God, thank you for allowing me just to wake up." - MEOW MEOW