Or at least return the call! Communicate! Either someone really wants to talk to you,tell you something, get something from you but just do it. Or send an email. Or send a frigging text. Write a blog. Ping me. Put something on my Facebook wall. Jeez, there's no excuse when communicating is what we overdo so much now.
I'm thinking about this both on a personal and professional level. My own husband doesn't pick up the phone until it's convenient (probably he's afraid of hearing me nag). My son doesn't ever has his phone on. I, on the other hand, lose my phone, put down the volume too low and don't hear it, don't know how to use it or am always on another call. But, I always call back, text or email. If you don't hear from me, I'm usually pissed off at someone or something or tired of someone or something. Then, there's work - this is the ticker. How do people run businesses? How effective are they if they are not communicating?
Mind you, I work in an office by myself. I have the discretion and leisure to do calls whenever I please. I can send emails or text. There is nothing holding me back. I have a computer, phone, desk phone, etc etc. My choices to answer some mode of communication are optimum. Half of the world is online now or online via their phone. You at least expect an answer quickly from people who are dependent on these methods and have easy access. Even those that are not have their own cell phone and call.
This makes me the worst Type A personality since I live off all of the above between my phone, computer and Internet, I can survive. I hit send and receive on my email constantly, I refresh my pages and I am checking my phone constantly. While Blackberry got coined the crackberry and I used to be hooked on that. My Iphone has become my crackphone literally. My husband hates it. I am on it constantly hitting refresh. I even check it when I'm half asleep in the night to see if there is something pressing at 2:16am.
So, this is point. If you work with some people on a project, why can't you communicate? Why is it that I have to be the one to reach out and see what the status is on something. Hello? You have a Blackberry! Hello, you have an Iphone!! Jeez. Every week it's the same old story. Just COMMUNICATE. I'm sitting here waiting.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
Teetering On the Verge
I don't want to make this about my feeling down or grumpy or complaining. It did start that way. Now, its more like a "Me" diary which might include a complaint or two. The truth is I am a person who is on the verge of a continual nervous breakdown. I never quite fully have the breakdown for some reason. I usually just brush off my knees and start over again; sometimes something artificial or medicinal gives me a push. Rarely, is it the latter.
For a brief stint after giving birth I was put on some post-partum blues' stuff and then, later some other depression med. I can't even cite the name because I have been a firm believer that all of that stuff numbs you and doesn't help things become any clearer. I might be wrong but I have never felt any better taking medicine. I have never wanted to feel like I was hooked or dependent on anything.
However, I seem to be hooked on feeling down and I hate it. I wake up. It's just there.
I thought I was okay. I thought I didn't need you. You make me question my self, doubt my self, wonder why I feel the way I do. I'm upset. I'm feeling edgy. Noise and useless questions bother me. I hate my job. I want to crawl back into my bed. It doesn't matter how much I want to erase the past and reinvent my self. I, me, id, comes out again. It crawls out of me some semblance of melancholy black wilted roses and the stench of unhappiness. It's icky and it disturbs me. I ache for normality.
I wonder how do people like me have children? How do we jump from type A to type B? I hate teetering and tottering from absolute bliss and hope to dark seeking obscurity.
Yesterday, I woke up wanted to just burst in tears. I thought, "it must be tomorrow I have to go back to work." I dreaded go to work. It took me 2 hours to go to work. I still got my coffee and leisurely walked in. I was so unhappy there. Then, I was anxious to rush home only four hours later. I got home and all I wanted to do was go to my bed. Avoid everyone at all cost including kids. My depressive "hangover" could not hear noise or joy over children jumping, playing or happy to be near me. I retreated to my room to seek solace in my privacy. Soon after my children were there. I could not have been any angrier having bursts of sheer maddening anger, yelling while finally begging and pleading for peace and quiet. Solitude was too much to ask when all my poor children ever do is hang on my every word even when Hyde appears.
This bothers me so. It disturbs me to wake up this way to feel this way. This anxiousness is unnerving. I don't like feeling that I can't control my emotions. The noise and the kids' carelessness is an area I can't seem to harness. I pray for peace and to want be part of the pack again, regain my creativity and create. Fortunately, I teeter more than I totter but tiring of being always on that precipice which is really scary at times.
For a brief stint after giving birth I was put on some post-partum blues' stuff and then, later some other depression med. I can't even cite the name because I have been a firm believer that all of that stuff numbs you and doesn't help things become any clearer. I might be wrong but I have never felt any better taking medicine. I have never wanted to feel like I was hooked or dependent on anything.
However, I seem to be hooked on feeling down and I hate it. I wake up. It's just there.
Hello? You're here again?Who invited you?
I thought I was okay. I thought I didn't need you. You make me question my self, doubt my self, wonder why I feel the way I do. I'm upset. I'm feeling edgy. Noise and useless questions bother me. I hate my job. I want to crawl back into my bed. It doesn't matter how much I want to erase the past and reinvent my self. I, me, id, comes out again. It crawls out of me some semblance of melancholy black wilted roses and the stench of unhappiness. It's icky and it disturbs me. I ache for normality.
I wonder how do people like me have children? How do we jump from type A to type B? I hate teetering and tottering from absolute bliss and hope to dark seeking obscurity.
Yesterday, I woke up wanted to just burst in tears. I thought, "it must be tomorrow I have to go back to work." I dreaded go to work. It took me 2 hours to go to work. I still got my coffee and leisurely walked in. I was so unhappy there. Then, I was anxious to rush home only four hours later. I got home and all I wanted to do was go to my bed. Avoid everyone at all cost including kids. My depressive "hangover" could not hear noise or joy over children jumping, playing or happy to be near me. I retreated to my room to seek solace in my privacy. Soon after my children were there. I could not have been any angrier having bursts of sheer maddening anger, yelling while finally begging and pleading for peace and quiet. Solitude was too much to ask when all my poor children ever do is hang on my every word even when Hyde appears.
This bothers me so. It disturbs me to wake up this way to feel this way. This anxiousness is unnerving. I don't like feeling that I can't control my emotions. The noise and the kids' carelessness is an area I can't seem to harness. I pray for peace and to want be part of the pack again, regain my creativity and create. Fortunately, I teeter more than I totter but tiring of being always on that precipice which is really scary at times.
Regular Rant on Losing Deadweight AKA Useless Friends
I've been saying this, thinking this and preaching this. I've been learning this process for years. For some reasons, people either adopt me or I adopt them to be my new friends. This still is very selective on my part and not as random as you might think. The guy that sleeps on my office stairs would not be my friend, not because he's homeless but more so because we haven't engaged in a conversation nor do I know if we hold anything in common. A person might engage in a conversation with me and I find value in it and want to continue future conversations or interactions with. This has happened quite a lot to me since I was a young adult. Some have turned in to friendships and some to very dangerous almost "single white female"-like relationships (if they could even be deemed part of that latter word).
Through that process, I have learned to let go of relationships sometimes feeling great regret and other times not feeling anything at all. I think my true nature despite all of my sensitivity is quite callous. Although maybe not? If a "friend" is not a friend then there is no loss. If this person has brought more turmoil, negativity and needless waste of time, why keep them on? I really believe if a person brings no value to you then why surround your own being around them? Value is the perfect way of measuring friendship. It means some kind of worth - whether the value you hold in the friendship is more intrinsic or materialistic, there is a value to it. I asked a friend "what value did someone else have to her?" She sort of said that it wasn't about value but that she actually liked that person; well, then, there was a value to it.
A person who brings a smile to your face or makes you laugh or keeps you company when you go shopping or hits you up once in awhile just for enlightened conversation, those all hold some type of self worth to them. Now, a friend who has the personality of a wet mop does not seem to hold any value to hold on to. Sure, they may be nice people but characteristically, there is nothing else there for one to be friends with. Do you identify with that person? Do they have some common interests or some amazing talent? Then, why hold on to a "friend" who has no personality?
Sample in point. I was just called a wet mop. In a series of two days, in a conversation with the same "friend," not only was I considered to be clumsy, non-artistic, the next day I was nabbed with being considered to have the personality of a wet mop, told that I spoke "bazofia" (Spanish for rubbish or garbage) and that they had always thought of me as doing mamarrachos (Spanish for messes). All of these in my opinion could be no worse than being told by my mother that I was a mistake to have. I was told by this same friend that I spoke rubbish or garbage and that everything that I had ever done was garbage. I sought out my husband for support and asked him "do you think I'm talented and do you think I am actually doing something?" He was so kind and I really think he said it because he believes it, not because he knows me so long or because I'm his wife. He categorically said that I was extremely talented amazing him constantly and I smiled. I smile even to think this because it feels so nice to hear that, to feel it and to actually believe it. Deep inside I've known this since a young age but never believed in my self. I might not have believed because of lack of self esteem or self worth but a big issue had to do with worrying what others thought of me. I was always a little concerned about some crazy idea of mine - how someone would take it or criticize it or me. This is what this "foe" thought about me. This was not a person I should trust, like or know any more. Furthermore, decidedly this person for whatever reason did not know or like me anymore.
I realized I didn't like this person either. When I pointed out that these words were hurtful, I was further surprised as to why this person was upset that they hadn't been more hypocritical with me. I needed to be thankful that I was told this. I was done the favor of being told that I was a bore. I asked why had they kept me on as an "esteemed" friend for so long; I was told that was irrelevant that I was still well liked and "loved." I say this with a bit or sarcasm and a frown on my face because I'm not sure how I can react to this. Yet, it was all useful helping me acknowledge the my very same feelings towards this person. I didn't like him any more. There was nothing tying me to converse, share or trust with him. He had become almost non-important serving only for some idle chatter on IM once in awhile and occasional hello on the phone every quarter.
I couldn't remember a card, a gift or even something of materialistic value that I had gotten from him. Then, there's the intrinsic emotional or platonic values that were also lacking. It only made it easier to let go. Yes, he was a prick for what he said but it served a point to say "goodbye" once in for all. Do I wish him well? No. I know that doesn't seem very Christian like of me but Who gives a fuck? Seriously. I was so disturbed by his proclamation that my retorts were like "you're trash. you're a loser. you're a piece shit." I couldn't be half as clever as he was hiding behind his words for his apparent and yet-not-so-apparent disdain of me for the last thirteen years!!!
Thank you. I have cut the chains of pointless acquaintance with idle banter. Had I done this years ago when I knew this deep in my heart, I might have made leaps and bounds in one other or more worthwhile friendships. I would have cultivated maybe a lost friendship or made a current one more fruitful. I wouldn't have continued sharing my rubbish or mindless notions and uninteresting and tiresome persona. For years, I had thought I was throwing away my pearls to someone who didn't deserve them. Indeed. While I was told they would not "cave in" to apologizing for what they said. I don't need them to because I will not cave in anymore. I have learned this, I think, for the very last time in my forty young years.
"Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)"
Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
-Green Day
Through that process, I have learned to let go of relationships sometimes feeling great regret and other times not feeling anything at all. I think my true nature despite all of my sensitivity is quite callous. Although maybe not? If a "friend" is not a friend then there is no loss. If this person has brought more turmoil, negativity and needless waste of time, why keep them on? I really believe if a person brings no value to you then why surround your own being around them? Value is the perfect way of measuring friendship. It means some kind of worth - whether the value you hold in the friendship is more intrinsic or materialistic, there is a value to it. I asked a friend "what value did someone else have to her?" She sort of said that it wasn't about value but that she actually liked that person; well, then, there was a value to it.
A person who brings a smile to your face or makes you laugh or keeps you company when you go shopping or hits you up once in awhile just for enlightened conversation, those all hold some type of self worth to them. Now, a friend who has the personality of a wet mop does not seem to hold any value to hold on to. Sure, they may be nice people but characteristically, there is nothing else there for one to be friends with. Do you identify with that person? Do they have some common interests or some amazing talent? Then, why hold on to a "friend" who has no personality?
Sample in point. I was just called a wet mop. In a series of two days, in a conversation with the same "friend," not only was I considered to be clumsy, non-artistic, the next day I was nabbed with being considered to have the personality of a wet mop, told that I spoke "bazofia" (Spanish for rubbish or garbage) and that they had always thought of me as doing mamarrachos (Spanish for messes). All of these in my opinion could be no worse than being told by my mother that I was a mistake to have. I was told by this same friend that I spoke rubbish or garbage and that everything that I had ever done was garbage. I sought out my husband for support and asked him "do you think I'm talented and do you think I am actually doing something?" He was so kind and I really think he said it because he believes it, not because he knows me so long or because I'm his wife. He categorically said that I was extremely talented amazing him constantly and I smiled. I smile even to think this because it feels so nice to hear that, to feel it and to actually believe it. Deep inside I've known this since a young age but never believed in my self. I might not have believed because of lack of self esteem or self worth but a big issue had to do with worrying what others thought of me. I was always a little concerned about some crazy idea of mine - how someone would take it or criticize it or me. This is what this "foe" thought about me. This was not a person I should trust, like or know any more. Furthermore, decidedly this person for whatever reason did not know or like me anymore.
I realized I didn't like this person either. When I pointed out that these words were hurtful, I was further surprised as to why this person was upset that they hadn't been more hypocritical with me. I needed to be thankful that I was told this. I was done the favor of being told that I was a bore. I asked why had they kept me on as an "esteemed" friend for so long; I was told that was irrelevant that I was still well liked and "loved." I say this with a bit or sarcasm and a frown on my face because I'm not sure how I can react to this. Yet, it was all useful helping me acknowledge the my very same feelings towards this person. I didn't like him any more. There was nothing tying me to converse, share or trust with him. He had become almost non-important serving only for some idle chatter on IM once in awhile and occasional hello on the phone every quarter.
I couldn't remember a card, a gift or even something of materialistic value that I had gotten from him. Then, there's the intrinsic emotional or platonic values that were also lacking. It only made it easier to let go. Yes, he was a prick for what he said but it served a point to say "goodbye" once in for all. Do I wish him well? No. I know that doesn't seem very Christian like of me but Who gives a fuck? Seriously. I was so disturbed by his proclamation that my retorts were like "you're trash. you're a loser. you're a piece shit." I couldn't be half as clever as he was hiding behind his words for his apparent and yet-not-so-apparent disdain of me for the last thirteen years!!!
Thank you. I have cut the chains of pointless acquaintance with idle banter. Had I done this years ago when I knew this deep in my heart, I might have made leaps and bounds in one other or more worthwhile friendships. I would have cultivated maybe a lost friendship or made a current one more fruitful. I wouldn't have continued sharing my rubbish or mindless notions and uninteresting and tiresome persona. For years, I had thought I was throwing away my pearls to someone who didn't deserve them. Indeed. While I was told they would not "cave in" to apologizing for what they said. I don't need them to because I will not cave in anymore. I have learned this, I think, for the very last time in my forty young years.
"Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)"
Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
-Green Day
Saturday, January 15, 2011
ReDiscovering One's Self
I went to my art class today. Wow, I looked at my old sketches and they dated back to 91, almost 20 yrs. Here I am walking back to class. I excitedly bought my supplies and then walked six blocks through the crisp bitter winter air. The class was made up of all ages. I was disappointed that and hour and a half was dedicated to tips, how to's and what-not-to-do and the last half hour was spent drawing circles. I knew that going back to art was to start and back to basics. I knew that I needed to start over since my hand would tremble every time I would get a pencil or any drawing tool in my hand. So, the class was necessary.
Although I wasn't too fond of listening the teacher speak for so long, I held steadfast to the hope of drawing soon. It was hard to even keep my eyes awake. As the teacher spoke, I did have an interesting reflection. My mind was distracted to the suggestions of the vine charcoal pencils versus compressed, whether the bendable eraser was preferable to the regular hard white one and so forth. I thought so this is to think about something other than writing a package, or figuring how to get the next event up and running, or the next proposal to write. I actually had a mental respite from reading and writing for the demands of work, not even for my own writing pleasure. My mind was not thinking about a deadline or who I had to write next or what kind of chart I needed to create. I was actually blank when the teacher's voice would fade away and all I could think of was picking up that medium and doing something on the paper. I was anxious to get started but my mind was at rest. I felt at peace. Then, I remembered that was the whole purpose of this class was to take my mind away, open my creativity and to go back to things or hobbies I had once enjoyed.
Our assignment for the next week is to continue drawing circles something to the effect that Michaelangelo said an artist had to be able to draw a perfect circle. So, I walked back to my car contemplating a week's worth of drawing circles. I still felt elated and happy just walking down the street by myself carrying my sketch book. As people walked by me, I thought "do they think I'm an artist?" How grand would that be! Even grander was my delight to finally finally have done something that I had wanted to do for so long. I couldn't believe I had just done it. I tore down the wall of doubt and excuses that I have built around my self for long.
I'm reading a book called "The Artist's Way,' a self help book about rediscovering one's creativity. I don't know if this is the year of my rediscovery - reading, writing, doing things I enjoy more...is this a culmination of hidden talents that had just scratched the surface and were just bursting to emerge? It is gratifying to be able to evolve more, to at least try to dig deeper of who I am and what I have been wanted to be for so long. Two decades and three children afterward, I am seeking realization. I am seeking more but for real this time; I'm not just thinking about doing something. I am really doing it. I'm doing things. Whether they lead to something new, it doesn't matter. I did. I made a full circle. I'm going back to where I started. And so the pursuit to make a perfect circle begins.
Although I wasn't too fond of listening the teacher speak for so long, I held steadfast to the hope of drawing soon. It was hard to even keep my eyes awake. As the teacher spoke, I did have an interesting reflection. My mind was distracted to the suggestions of the vine charcoal pencils versus compressed, whether the bendable eraser was preferable to the regular hard white one and so forth. I thought so this is to think about something other than writing a package, or figuring how to get the next event up and running, or the next proposal to write. I actually had a mental respite from reading and writing for the demands of work, not even for my own writing pleasure. My mind was not thinking about a deadline or who I had to write next or what kind of chart I needed to create. I was actually blank when the teacher's voice would fade away and all I could think of was picking up that medium and doing something on the paper. I was anxious to get started but my mind was at rest. I felt at peace. Then, I remembered that was the whole purpose of this class was to take my mind away, open my creativity and to go back to things or hobbies I had once enjoyed.
Our assignment for the next week is to continue drawing circles something to the effect that Michaelangelo said an artist had to be able to draw a perfect circle. So, I walked back to my car contemplating a week's worth of drawing circles. I still felt elated and happy just walking down the street by myself carrying my sketch book. As people walked by me, I thought "do they think I'm an artist?" How grand would that be! Even grander was my delight to finally finally have done something that I had wanted to do for so long. I couldn't believe I had just done it. I tore down the wall of doubt and excuses that I have built around my self for long.
I'm reading a book called "The Artist's Way,' a self help book about rediscovering one's creativity. I don't know if this is the year of my rediscovery - reading, writing, doing things I enjoy more...is this a culmination of hidden talents that had just scratched the surface and were just bursting to emerge? It is gratifying to be able to evolve more, to at least try to dig deeper of who I am and what I have been wanted to be for so long. Two decades and three children afterward, I am seeking realization. I am seeking more but for real this time; I'm not just thinking about doing something. I am really doing it. I'm doing things. Whether they lead to something new, it doesn't matter. I did. I made a full circle. I'm going back to where I started. And so the pursuit to make a perfect circle begins.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Reading List
Who cares what I have on my reading list? Well, I have it on here because maybe by listing, I will really work through these books and learn from them.
The Tipping Point suggested by A Goddess
The Four Agreements suggest by my fellow Libra and beknowest to her, she is another Goddess (this also was on my bf's list yrs ago and I ignored)
The Artists Way suggested by a god and pure chef
I have about four more books from the library so let's see if I can make it through these somehow.
The Tipping Point suggested by A Goddess
The Four Agreements suggest by my fellow Libra and beknowest to her, she is another Goddess (this also was on my bf's list yrs ago and I ignored)
The Artists Way suggested by a god and pure chef
I have about four more books from the library so let's see if I can make it through these somehow.
Helllloooo...more Realizations?
A dawning? Or something I already knew.
Time really makes such a difference in any relation. A separation either makes you miss a person or not. That person could mean the world to you but all of a sudden, out of sight, out of mind. This is probably one of the sad ugly truths about my persona. Some of the people I have loved the most I have treated or felt this way. Is that a Libra trait or is that just genetic?
Anyhow, I thought today a little bit when I was around people I hadn't been with in awhile and how with just a couple of months incomunnicado, we had grown apart. Now, did I feel bad about this? No, not really. Instead of wanting to share all of my recent triumphs (personally and professionally) I felt it especially important to keep these close to me. I observed and felt that even had I wanted to share what I deem as important or exciting, I wouldn't have gotten the chance to share it. One of the main reasons that I chose to separate from one or two people in my life was that although, yes, it's important to also help, support, and listen to your friends; there were times that I felt these people were consuming me. I felt that their problems and anecdotes were always more important than mine. I was tired of one sided conversations hence the break or time off from each other was good.
So, sitting and observing, the word discretion came in my mind. Discretion may not be that important for me since lately I'm back to writing about my self and rediscovering my self in so many ways and all of this is about revelation. However, I think now more than ever I will be very careful. I think for too many years I have been so open about my personal problems, complaining and my pursuits. My intentions were to seek support, advice and for any ever taken (advice or support), I now realize the "support" or lack of has not always been sincere.
I had visions tonight of people who had always doubted me for whatever reason I don't know why. I have had negativity towards my marriage, my husband, my choices, my professional life, my aspirations. I even have so severely doubted my self. I have in even answering questions about these things have second guessed the answers not sure of my self. These past months, I have totally immersed my self in my passions and what I know I'm good and probably one of the best at. I also have thought to give my self a chance in several areas where I have excelled, enjoyed doing so and have wanted to circle back. Realizing God gave me gifts, I haven't used, I've been trying to do so in so many ways.
So, I have these really awesome personal victories but some how, I don't want to share them. I want them close at hand because they are too precious to be destroyed or even remotely criticized. I realize that what some call "constructive criticism" is really cynical criticism and someone's else's own self doubt. My self doubt has always stemmed from someone's else's self doubt and unwillingness to take a risk. Sure, I was asked tonight about what I'm up to but I kept it brief, to the point and shared very little. I could feel a "feeling" with just a look and the looks weren't of joy or amazement or even interest. I knew that small talk was where I would keep the conversation at. I also didn't think that revealing more would destroy my plans however no one is going to destroy me deep down internally whether it is unintentional, "well meaning" or subconscious.
I even had another conversation with someone who I have held in great esteem for a long time. When I shared my plans to take an art class. He asked why. I said that I had always loved art. He said to me that he didn't think I would and asked me if I even was good at? I said I was and he still asked "really" as if to say "I doubt it." I explained that studying fine art was my first choice when choosing a life career after high school but did not pursue it. I was quite surprised to hear that this person did not think I was artistic at all. Where have you been the last ten years of my life dude? Where have all of my friends and family been that have doubted me?
I have been underestimated far too long. I know it might sound vain but I will dare to say that I am that diamond in the rough. I am some one who has and is constantly trying harder. Yet, I feel that even some of my most immediate family and friends have been the people who have least supported me. I remember one time, years ago, not to point a finger but to cite an example...my husband said " don't tell me what you're going to do, just do it." To be fair, I was far too involved in too many pies (as always) but at that time, we (him and I) were having problems. He, now, I must admit is one of the most supportive people I know. I can count on him to tell him something I want to do and he tells me "do it, you can do it. If anyone can, I know you can. You are so talented." And he means it. Had it been years ago when the earlier comment was made, I would have thought he had such little faith in me. He has grown with me in so many ways. While, others have just grown apart.
So, I've learned the value of discretion. Even with my husband, for many years after that comment I made sure unfinished projects were never to be mentioned and new ones either. I kept many of my ideas quiet even from him because self doubt would creep in and I would give up. I gave up on many things not just because of him because of other people as well. I would get asked "why are you doing that? Do you really think you can do that? What are you going to? How are you going to do that?" Then, a thousand reasons why I couldn't do what I would set out to do.
Then, I thought "WTF?" Why not? I fucking can do whatever I set my fucking my mind to? No one or one thing controls what I can or can't do. So what if I've failed on so many things? So what if I didn't get that show or my company failed or that patent? At least I fucking tried. There are so many people that don't try anything at all. They just don't try. They don't want to take the risk. They're scared of losing or what others can say of how they'll look. I'm not. It doesn't bother me. I definitely would rather die trying.
I have so many dreams still at 40. The ones that I had and didn't happen and maybe, I told my self to let them go. I will let those go. Those that I want to pick up again, I will do them. There is no limit. We set our own boundaries and that's what limits us. This is why I decided that I couldn't give up on my dreams and I had to keep going and keep trying.
So my accomplishments are now shared with few and privileged. I'm actually privileged that they will allow me to share with them what I'm striving to do. I'm happy that I have developed yet another circle of very good friends whom we have shared some very important and life changing moments together. These are people that believe in me and I believe in them. I also have had some phenomenal and giving people not only give me their friendship, some have shared their talents and time to help my succeed all very selflessly. Amazingly, God is hand picking these people and we gravitate to each other. There is an almost cosmic energy and synergy that we share. It is beyond profound and gratifying. Discretion is not a term that I elect to use with my now chosen few.
I caution to still use discretion with anyone who can look at you and with one look tear you down. Cynicism lies deep in many people's hearts; they tell themselves and the mirror frequently that they are good people but they only to so because their conscience knows different.
Time really makes such a difference in any relation. A separation either makes you miss a person or not. That person could mean the world to you but all of a sudden, out of sight, out of mind. This is probably one of the sad ugly truths about my persona. Some of the people I have loved the most I have treated or felt this way. Is that a Libra trait or is that just genetic?
Anyhow, I thought today a little bit when I was around people I hadn't been with in awhile and how with just a couple of months incomunnicado, we had grown apart. Now, did I feel bad about this? No, not really. Instead of wanting to share all of my recent triumphs (personally and professionally) I felt it especially important to keep these close to me. I observed and felt that even had I wanted to share what I deem as important or exciting, I wouldn't have gotten the chance to share it. One of the main reasons that I chose to separate from one or two people in my life was that although, yes, it's important to also help, support, and listen to your friends; there were times that I felt these people were consuming me. I felt that their problems and anecdotes were always more important than mine. I was tired of one sided conversations hence the break or time off from each other was good.
So, sitting and observing, the word discretion came in my mind. Discretion may not be that important for me since lately I'm back to writing about my self and rediscovering my self in so many ways and all of this is about revelation. However, I think now more than ever I will be very careful. I think for too many years I have been so open about my personal problems, complaining and my pursuits. My intentions were to seek support, advice and for any ever taken (advice or support), I now realize the "support" or lack of has not always been sincere.
I had visions tonight of people who had always doubted me for whatever reason I don't know why. I have had negativity towards my marriage, my husband, my choices, my professional life, my aspirations. I even have so severely doubted my self. I have in even answering questions about these things have second guessed the answers not sure of my self. These past months, I have totally immersed my self in my passions and what I know I'm good and probably one of the best at. I also have thought to give my self a chance in several areas where I have excelled, enjoyed doing so and have wanted to circle back. Realizing God gave me gifts, I haven't used, I've been trying to do so in so many ways.
So, I have these really awesome personal victories but some how, I don't want to share them. I want them close at hand because they are too precious to be destroyed or even remotely criticized. I realize that what some call "constructive criticism" is really cynical criticism and someone's else's own self doubt. My self doubt has always stemmed from someone's else's self doubt and unwillingness to take a risk. Sure, I was asked tonight about what I'm up to but I kept it brief, to the point and shared very little. I could feel a "feeling" with just a look and the looks weren't of joy or amazement or even interest. I knew that small talk was where I would keep the conversation at. I also didn't think that revealing more would destroy my plans however no one is going to destroy me deep down internally whether it is unintentional, "well meaning" or subconscious.
I even had another conversation with someone who I have held in great esteem for a long time. When I shared my plans to take an art class. He asked why. I said that I had always loved art. He said to me that he didn't think I would and asked me if I even was good at? I said I was and he still asked "really" as if to say "I doubt it." I explained that studying fine art was my first choice when choosing a life career after high school but did not pursue it. I was quite surprised to hear that this person did not think I was artistic at all. Where have you been the last ten years of my life dude? Where have all of my friends and family been that have doubted me?
I have been underestimated far too long. I know it might sound vain but I will dare to say that I am that diamond in the rough. I am some one who has and is constantly trying harder. Yet, I feel that even some of my most immediate family and friends have been the people who have least supported me. I remember one time, years ago, not to point a finger but to cite an example...my husband said " don't tell me what you're going to do, just do it." To be fair, I was far too involved in too many pies (as always) but at that time, we (him and I) were having problems. He, now, I must admit is one of the most supportive people I know. I can count on him to tell him something I want to do and he tells me "do it, you can do it. If anyone can, I know you can. You are so talented." And he means it. Had it been years ago when the earlier comment was made, I would have thought he had such little faith in me. He has grown with me in so many ways. While, others have just grown apart.
So, I've learned the value of discretion. Even with my husband, for many years after that comment I made sure unfinished projects were never to be mentioned and new ones either. I kept many of my ideas quiet even from him because self doubt would creep in and I would give up. I gave up on many things not just because of him because of other people as well. I would get asked "why are you doing that? Do you really think you can do that? What are you going to? How are you going to do that?" Then, a thousand reasons why I couldn't do what I would set out to do.
Then, I thought "WTF?" Why not? I fucking can do whatever I set my fucking my mind to? No one or one thing controls what I can or can't do. So what if I've failed on so many things? So what if I didn't get that show or my company failed or that patent? At least I fucking tried. There are so many people that don't try anything at all. They just don't try. They don't want to take the risk. They're scared of losing or what others can say of how they'll look. I'm not. It doesn't bother me. I definitely would rather die trying.
I have so many dreams still at 40. The ones that I had and didn't happen and maybe, I told my self to let them go. I will let those go. Those that I want to pick up again, I will do them. There is no limit. We set our own boundaries and that's what limits us. This is why I decided that I couldn't give up on my dreams and I had to keep going and keep trying.
So my accomplishments are now shared with few and privileged. I'm actually privileged that they will allow me to share with them what I'm striving to do. I'm happy that I have developed yet another circle of very good friends whom we have shared some very important and life changing moments together. These are people that believe in me and I believe in them. I also have had some phenomenal and giving people not only give me their friendship, some have shared their talents and time to help my succeed all very selflessly. Amazingly, God is hand picking these people and we gravitate to each other. There is an almost cosmic energy and synergy that we share. It is beyond profound and gratifying. Discretion is not a term that I elect to use with my now chosen few.
I caution to still use discretion with anyone who can look at you and with one look tear you down. Cynicism lies deep in many people's hearts; they tell themselves and the mirror frequently that they are good people but they only to so because their conscience knows different.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Baby, It's Cold Outside
Almost every morning I snuggle with my four year old. I think every morning when she caresses my arm for warmth and as she sinks further into my arms and lap what a treasured moment that is. I normally don't care if she or I get to school or work late. It's all about her and I sharing a moment together. Did I ever have a moment like that when I was younger? I almost have to constantly remind my self to write down those moments with her. I have two others and my memory already fails me of those treasured moments, those first times and those little creeped up smiles coming from the corner of my mouth. I hate, absolutely hate that I've forgotten what it was like to snuggle with my other two. Here, I try to, almost hold on to those bliss moments as much as I can.
Do other parents pain as much as I do every morning I send my four year old to school? Why do I have to do this? Why do I have to send her off to brave the cold, spend time with other borrowed people and kids and learn something? All things she could be doing with me? Why do we have to go through this rite with our children? Who said children had to leave their homes in such early ages to learn?
When, in my lifetime did I have the opportunity and just enjoy my children and my child without having to make them be part of these schedules?
I don't feel like other parents feel the way I do. I would much rather keep her home and let her enjoy her comfort level and her safety net. But, I can't. And so we sit, together, in silence. I hope something better for her. I pray for something better for her. In the meantime, treasure. Remember. Embrace.
Do other parents pain as much as I do every morning I send my four year old to school? Why do I have to do this? Why do I have to send her off to brave the cold, spend time with other borrowed people and kids and learn something? All things she could be doing with me? Why do we have to go through this rite with our children? Who said children had to leave their homes in such early ages to learn?
When, in my lifetime did I have the opportunity and just enjoy my children and my child without having to make them be part of these schedules?
I don't feel like other parents feel the way I do. I would much rather keep her home and let her enjoy her comfort level and her safety net. But, I can't. And so we sit, together, in silence. I hope something better for her. I pray for something better for her. In the meantime, treasure. Remember. Embrace.
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