Morning Reflection. Make it Right.

I woke up in the fowlest of moods. Literally, had I been a day time vampire, I would have ravished the blood of thousands. However, I am just a meek human and therefore, I had to wind down my temper and control myself. I remember my brashness and stinging words on some of my past but recent rampades and made sure this morning's mom rant and rave did not offend.

It wasn't easy. It's scary how your children come out like you whether by osmosis, inheritance or force of nature. I get scared to see how much one of my children has that sad, depressive nature that I grew up with. The only difference is that I fought all along the way. I fought feeling that way, unsure of myself and unhappy about my surroundings and made the best of it, somehow. Whether my early school day writing, my imagination, my outdoor after school adventures, or my fascination with barbies helped me through it all. Now, I am praying and hoping that will help him. Whether his fancy is wrestling, or games or reading, ANYTHING that will help him take him away from the darkness. Because it doesn't matter if the day is sunny, the weather is gray, the darkness comes from within.

Like this morning, I didn't know why I wanted to hail a plate across the wall. I didn't know why I wanted to scream. I did know why I wanted to run but that would only serve to make matters worse. So, I stayed within my four walls. And here, he was feeling the same. Why?

Am I to blame because I show my true colors way too much to my kids. They know when I'm up. They know when I'm down. They know when my mood and my demeanor hang on the preface looking down.

And so the day started for my son and myself. The same. I sharply said without hesitation and without a tenderly bone in my bod. "Snap out of it. What happened yesterday is gone. It's spilt milk. Don't worry about it."

But, he was worried about it. He was crying about not passing a test and having had a terrible day. I said, "That's all? C'mon, it's over. Today is a new day and it's your chance to start over. Don't worry about it."

So, that sounds pretty decent but it wasn't. He needed more. He needed a hug, a comfort, a kind and tender motherly word but I couldn't do it. Not today. And Here I am thinking still about it. When I said I wouldn't be my mother, here I was wearing her shoes again.

I will make it right today. I will hug him and cuddle him when I get home. I will go out with him only today. Today, he will be my oldest and my first baby as he deserves to be.

And today, I will be the person I deserve to be. Happy. - MEOW MEOW