The Checklist

I wanted Squirrel to feel what I wanted to feel - freedom. Freedom from life, from personal woes, from things that surround us, from the material things that inprison our souls, or even just a way to scream. I suggested a "cleansing" of his home where I knew mine was in desperate need of him. I think of him now because somehow I know he is awake accompanying me in a certain way. In a certain way, we have some synergy. He is cleaning out his house and I'm writing about him cleaning out his house.

I'm so proud of him because I want to do what he is doing. I am weighted down by fear, procrastination, fearing to lose time and so many other reasons. I have inertia of not wanting to do anything. I keep seeing time standing still in my house but as a day goes by, so has five, ten or more.

I'm no longer that sexy girl with that charming smile. I no longer can cause a halting stare or the admiring grin of some handsome stranger. I'm me, I'm feeling ugly and old. Grey hairs sneakingly peep out between my dyed roots, little chick feet start sprawling around my eyes and even my husband commented on my hands getting wrinkled. Where did the time go?

I want to see new and modern. I want to have money in the bank to buy my whims. I want to buy away my aging and make it new and artificial whichever way possible. I want a pseudo cure for something that is so real that ails my soul, my inner being and even those artificial material things that surround me.

I can't sleep. I didn't even make it through the zen feng shui list AT ALL:

no mirrors in the bedrooms
cover my tv, put the tv in the corner
repaint my room
get rid of clutter
clear up my door
get  a boulder for my door
get some crystal and quartz for my house
clear the linen and things underneath the beds
finish all unfinished

Ok - i cleared out my hall way and have the plants there. I made a plan for the big mirror. I have a mini crystal but it came with jagged edges. I just feel like I'm making no headway cause I need to do this. I don't need to do these things because they will actually make me feel better. I don't need to do this because my life will be better and all the bad luck will go away. Squirrel doesn't need to do this for those purposes.

I need to do this to keep my mind occupied. So does he. I need to do this because it brings some sanity to the insanity in my mind and in my life. I need to do this because cleaning is like a ritual. It becomes habitual. It occupies time; it doesn't waste it.

You do not waste under your covers. You do not wake up at noon and realize you have lost half of your day. You do not lose time.

It makes you do something. In the end, you will have completed something rather than nothing. You will ultimately feel that something means something. And a Zero is a Full Circle of Completeness. I feel if this can be completed maybe I can feel somewhat complete. My need for accomplishment now comes from this need to check off this list because all the other lists in my life are incomplete.

Hallway better. Check.
My personal health.
Cleaned the hall cabinet. Check.
Had my health checkup.
Organized my car. Check.
Did something sexy for myself.
Went through all the pending bills. Check.
 Looked for jobs.
Bought the money plant. Check.
Confessed to my husband that I am really upset at him for not working and looking for a job.
Threw away broken dishes. Check.

Need to get my life in order...

Zenning my Life

So, I'm carefully contemplating my friend's idea of just doing "one bite at a time." This is something I really have to take to heart. I overwhelm my self with so much that I don't know how to start or how to finish. I do this in everything in life from personal, work, kids and personal projects. I'm constantly overbooked with task lists for everything.

I started thinking my own personal sanity was most important. So, to start personally, I needed to "clean" my house out. Now, this is about purging, changing, giving up. I am a confirmed and seriously addictive Pack rat where I hoard everything down to a $1 receipt to an unused dental floss, years old hotel soap and lotion to unusable furniture. I love thrift ends, recyclables and freebies even if I don't need them.

My out with the old and in with the new starts now. This includes everything from shoes, clothing, home decor, kitchen items, broken dishes and more. Now, in a house that holds items that belonged to my parents, things my mother still wants to hold on to and closets of unknowns this is a hard feat to do.


I've started religously and almost fanatically reading a Feng Shui workbook. I am totally and utterly fascinated by it. The most fascinating thing is the shared superstitions (if you will) since I mean no offense to any one who knows the logic and science of feng shui. It has such resemblance to many Latin American superstitions that I am applying anything and everything that feels right to my redecorating and purge of my home and personal life. One striking thing that the book says is to not be afraid to incorporate other cultures' traditions or beliefs especially if they feel right. I didn't really need it to say that but it helped since I felt I am definitely not a "feng shui" expert nor do I think I could lead a straight path doing so or will stray soon often as well.

But at least I'll try.

I'll try to use get my 3 elephants together facing where (?), my aloe plant to suck out the negative energies, get rue back in the garden, take a couple of rue baths, purchase my money plant, find my kua numbers and make sure that poison arrow blocking my energies is removed from the house. It's fascinating. Really. I think about all of the traditions from Latin America and how there is a saying that you shouldn't really believe but your shouldn't not believe.

I do believe in energies and bad spirits and not-so-good thoughts creeping into homes. Some people naturally carry these ills and some purposely "wish" their ills on to others. I am just the opposite, I have never wished ill on anyone, their family or their belongings. I believe that what is mine, is mine and have never really coveted others well being or things. However, this is not the case of many people or so these superstitions are born of or based of.

And our family has long believed that the "evil eye" is out there. Peruvian tradition uses huayruros as a way to ward off the evil eye where the wearing of these seeds can ward of less than nice thoughts to one's persona; or even the use of an almost massage of an egg over your body can tell if you have gotten the evil eye. I make mention of this because my "luck" has just been null. Lack of luck has been what has been determining my fate these days.

Hence, this zenning and purging to see if just my "Luck" and my general disposition can shift and change. Ok so what if you think this is voodoo schmoodoo, the point is I might just feel better. Isn't that what religion is made of as well? Some norms or things to do to feel better? So what if these are baseless theories I'm trying to do?

I am going to do
no mirrors in the bedrooms
cover my tv, put the tv in the corner
repaint my room
get rid of clutter
clear up my door
get  a boulder for my door
get some crystal and quartz for my house
clear the linen and things underneath the beds
finish all unfinished

and on and on and on and on.

Perfect day to get some spring cleaning or a new life on.

What's Love Got To Do With It?

I am like a Squirrel. I am up early at the crack of dawn scurrying around getting my things done for the day. I'm that solitary squirrel thinking what's the next step in my series of things to do. I find some peace and happiness like those squirrels collecting their nuts. I enjoy my day exploring my senses as the squirrels watching the season change before my eyes. There are rays of golden colors and hues that come through the window and form a prism of fall sensuous colors. And just as I observe the beauty of this, there's  a couple of love birds outside.

It was my neighbors embraced cognizant of only their spirits, holding and caressing each other probably to bid "good morning, farewell, have a good a day, my love " or some other tender thought. I became a squirrel in a tree, frozen, listening, observing. I watched almost in awe and wonder at such an expression of love in the morning. I realized my snooping in on this couple's obviously intimate moment was a more apparent deficiency in myself. I had a longing as I watched. I wondered, "is this what love is about?"

Will I ever have a moment of tender like this? Not one that I have shared with family or friends. I wanted a different type of openness. This was an openness of flagrant morning sensuality that brings just a small grin to your lips and wanting to your soul. Or is it a longing in the heart? Will I ever have a chance to hug, caress, feel that warmth, have an intimate moment or share a hidden a smile like the ones of my neighbors doing so now?

They continued giggling, embracing, sharing passionate kisses almost not worrying where they had to get to. Whether a train or bus was missed, whether the time card was punched late and morning work fell behind, this was not among their worries. She stared at him coquetishly, her long black curly hair wisping in the morning fall wind and he stared back grinning embracing her into his large black overcoat as if to make sure she didn't escape keeping her warm and close to him. I wanted to interrupt this realm of surreality to me. "Don't you have something to do? Aren't you going to be late?" That was better than thinking of what I was missing.


Maybe I wasn't like that squirrel. Maybe the solitude is not what I want. I may be lonely but I'm not alone. I want to experience a different type of open love but yet so intimate that no one or thing can interrupt a moment. I want to feel what these two enamored beautiful people are feeling. They are beautiful because they must be experiencing some awesome beauty that holds them together in such an intense and enduring gaze. It holds me as well. I am almost ashamed to be watching them and ashamed to be wanting the same. I almost hate to turn around and miss this wonderous moment of bliss. I feel a buzz; it's like soft zenful music that sings to me. I walk away wondering " will I always be looking from behind" instead of being part of the picture?

I turn, time to collect the nuts. - SQUIRREL



A movie that makes you think about "missed opportunities." 

Morning Reflection. Make it Right.

I woke up in the fowlest of moods. Literally, had I been a day time vampire, I would have ravished the blood of thousands. However, I am just a meek human and therefore, I had to wind down my temper and control myself. I remember my brashness and stinging words on some of my past but recent rampades and made sure this morning's mom rant and rave did not offend.

It wasn't easy. It's scary how your children come out like you whether by osmosis, inheritance or force of nature. I get scared to see how much one of my children has that sad, depressive nature that I grew up with. The only difference is that I fought all along the way. I fought feeling that way, unsure of myself and unhappy about my surroundings and made the best of it, somehow. Whether my early school day writing, my imagination, my outdoor after school adventures, or my fascination with barbies helped me through it all. Now, I am praying and hoping that will help him. Whether his fancy is wrestling, or games or reading, ANYTHING that will help him take him away from the darkness. Because it doesn't matter if the day is sunny, the weather is gray, the darkness comes from within.

Like this morning, I didn't know why I wanted to hail a plate across the wall. I didn't know why I wanted to scream. I did know why I wanted to run but that would only serve to make matters worse. So, I stayed within my four walls. And here, he was feeling the same. Why?

Am I to blame because I show my true colors way too much to my kids. They know when I'm up. They know when I'm down. They know when my mood and my demeanor hang on the preface looking down.

And so the day started for my son and myself. The same. I sharply said without hesitation and without a tenderly bone in my bod. "Snap out of it. What happened yesterday is gone. It's spilt milk. Don't worry about it."

But, he was worried about it. He was crying about not passing a test and having had a terrible day. I said, "That's all? C'mon, it's over. Today is a new day and it's your chance to start over. Don't worry about it."

So, that sounds pretty decent but it wasn't. He needed more. He needed a hug, a comfort, a kind and tender motherly word but I couldn't do it. Not today. And Here I am thinking still about it. When I said I wouldn't be my mother, here I was wearing her shoes again.

I will make it right today. I will hug him and cuddle him when I get home. I will go out with him only today. Today, he will be my oldest and my first baby as he deserves to be.

And today, I will be the person I deserve to be. Happy. - MEOW MEOW

I Can Eat Pie but not All Kids Can Especially DC Kids

I'm livid. While I complain about not being able to eat my pie, there are kids out there that really can't eat a pie or a piece of pie. Mind you, do I think pie is the healthiest thing to eat for a kid? Why no, but you're allowed to have a treat and that includes any kids even my own. My own kids are pretty healthy and yes, certainly over eat. Thank goodness, they can. Thank goodness, they have the right to open the fridge or pantry and eat to their heart and stomach's desire. Is it always healthy? Maybe not.

This posting isn't about them. It isn't about whether eating pie is healthy. It isn't about whether the pie is organic, a lemon Hostess pie or a Burger King chocolate pie. It is about what's available to most DC children in our school systems.

The truth is the majority of the children in the DC School system come from truly challenged lower income household families some of which may or may not be receiving some government assistance. These are children that have every right to afford the same services - paid or unpaid - as those families that find them selves in some of the more affluent wards of the city.

There has been a long time debate about 1) providing healthier food options for children in DC schools and now recently 2) DC Schools have offered a third-meal alternative for children staying in the aftercare programs up until 6:00pm. The debate for kids having healthier food option is on because most kids are still not getting the healthy food options when they get to the school. They might be coming from a home where all they eat are frozen meals, food, from a can, high carbs and little or no veggies or fruit. The DC School system has traditional offered the same nutritionless meals  BUT IS AT LEAST TRYING TO MAKE THE DIFFERENCE and improve the menus. They have hired a new Food Services Director and I am excited about his background to explore the healthier food options for kids. So, in the mix, our kids on these meals are still challenged nutritionally but there is a movement to change that. Then, comes the third meal!

Apparently, many of these kids are going home with only the meals they receive at school. Some families are not providing more food for their kids when they go home. They can't afford it. Food options are lean at home and a healthy meal is not always available. Hence, the school system has introduced this. I think they are right on point!!!!!

Yet, naysayers are angry that these kids get a free "ride" or meal (those Tea Party-ers). How can food-stamp, medicaid, low income families get more? How dare they just throw away our tax dollars? Naysayers don't think kids stay hungry. They don't know what it is to be growing up any more. They don't care about nutritional values and about taking in the right amount of nutritional calories and the combination of thereof. It's all about whether how many families are taking advantage of the "welfare" system and why should we feed someone else's kid?

My goodness. It's disgusting. It's a child, for goodness sake! This is someone we are investing our future with, a future good citizen of society. You don't care since you look away at the countless new and old homeless people living among us every day now. But, you still don't want to let that kid eat that meal? Let them pay the sins of their parents. Let those low income or middle income kids (from struggling families) continue drinking their dyed red Hi-C drink and their moon pies with what little money they scramble up. They don't need some nutritional value to help them learn their way to school or feel energized to concentrate six hours of the day. For most, they spend more than nine hours out of the day out of the home and should be able to tote their nutritional meals with them. Or at least pay for them. At least the law-abiding tax citizens would like us to understand.

DCist What's on the Menu
Post Article Fight Child Hunger


I am just angry about this. I will be ranting and following this for a while. I'm on a mission. - MEOW MEOW

Virginia, Where Love Lies - Literally!

Not. Or maybe this posting should be retitled as Southern Road Rage?

Are you kidding me? I am from the South. So, I know Southern Charm. Virginia is not that. Virginians are singular, insulated, and aloof (to not say rude). Then, there's their curbside manners which are for shit.

I just can't stand it. While trying to take care of my needs of this disastrous life of trials that I am going through. No food, no money, poor health and worrying about the tiniest of details...like wondering if my lights will be inevitably cut off?  Getting off the subject...

I just experienced the scariest moment of being cut off abruptly. The driver in front of me apparently was not sure where to go, made a break suddenly and almost caused a traffic pile up. After several screeching and sideways cars afterward, I regained my composure of actually fearing to lose my life (for once), I spot the license plate "Virginia is for Lovers."

Yeah dead lovers and family. People don't realize how inept and foolish actions can cause such deadly reactions and results. To every action there is an equally opposite reaction. You see so many of these deadly accidents happen on Virginia roadways. Half of these foolish actions also come from foolish non-sensible large ass SUV-driving cell- phone driving fools and midgets behind the wheel with no conscience or brain. They have no respect for their fellow drivers. Turn signals were made for a reason. There is a reason for checking your rear and side view mirrors.

I hate feeling these demonic thoughts for these "loving" people especially after I just left Church praying, in fellowship and praise. I want to push an eject button and catapult these assanine drivers back into their homes whence they came from. I have no love for them. You may say that these are the ramblings of a crazy squirrel - this squirrel actually has been a driving instructor for many years. I am allowed to make remarks like this. After all, I'm just squirrel trying to get a nut.

I like squirrels far too much and too many of them are roadkill because of this. DC is for Squirrels and black ones at that! I'm keeping my Black Squirrel Ass in DC. - SQUIRREL

Something Really Knawing Me

It is there. Always. It's hiding. It wants to come out. I almost can thing back to that book that for two years, I've had such a hard time reading and following. I just picked it up and started reading it again. "Eat. Pray. Love." The writer talks about her depression and loneliness and how it haunts her like two individuals that just appear.

I am resisting a tear, a frown, an influx of feelings coming on. I don't what it is. Why it's come back? Why does it happen to me? Why?

Am I not healthy? Do I not have work? More than enough work? Children that love and adore me? Is that not enough? Why do I pain so much? Why is it so excruciatingly painful?

This battle with myself is downhill today. The minute my body crosses over the office threshold, it starts. This not right. Not sage, incense or power of positive thought can save my inner distress. I am soo distracted, confused and without direction, it hurts.

I want to feel sorry for my self. I want to be disappointed. I want to encourage my sense or lack of unaccomplishment.

The tears have halted. I feel anxiousness and some relief somehow. Yet, like the writer of that book. I know it lurks, it will still be there in a little while, tomorrow, the day after. I really don't like that. I fear.  - MEOW MEOW