Reading List

Who cares what I have on my reading list? Well, I have it on here because maybe by listing, I will really work through these books and learn from them.

The Tipping Point suggested by A Goddess
The Four Agreements suggest by my fellow Libra and beknowest to her, she is another Goddess (this also was on my bf's list yrs ago and I ignored)
The Artists Way suggested by a god and pure chef

I have about four more books from the library so let's see if I can make it through these somehow.

Helllloooo...more Realizations?

A dawning? Or something I already knew.

Time really makes such a difference in any relation. A separation either makes you miss a person or not. That person could mean the world to you but all of a sudden, out of sight, out of mind. This is probably one of the sad ugly truths about my persona. Some of the people I have loved the most I have treated or felt this way. Is that a Libra trait or is that just genetic?

Anyhow, I thought today a little bit when I was around people I hadn't been with in awhile and how with just a couple of months incomunnicado, we had grown apart. Now, did I feel bad about this? No, not really. Instead of wanting to share all of my recent triumphs (personally and professionally) I felt it especially important to keep these close to me. I observed and felt that even had I wanted to share what I deem as  important or exciting, I wouldn't have gotten the chance to share it. One of the main reasons that I chose to separate from one or two people in my life was that although, yes, it's important to also help, support, and listen to your friends; there were times that I felt these people were consuming me. I felt that their problems and anecdotes were always more important than mine. I was tired of one sided conversations hence the break or time off from each other was good.

So, sitting and observing, the word discretion came in my mind. Discretion may not be that important for me since lately I'm back to writing about my self and rediscovering my self in so many ways and all of this is about revelation. However, I think now more than ever I will be very careful. I think for too many years I have been so open about my personal problems, complaining and my pursuits. My intentions were to seek support, advice and for any ever taken (advice or support), I now realize the "support" or lack of has not always been sincere.

I had visions tonight of people who had always doubted me for whatever reason I don't know why. I have had negativity towards my marriage, my husband, my choices, my professional life, my aspirations. I even have so severely doubted my self. I have in even answering questions about these things have second guessed the answers not sure of my self. These past months, I have totally immersed my self in my passions and what I know I'm good and probably one of the best at. I also have thought to give my self a chance in several areas where I have excelled, enjoyed doing so and have wanted to circle back. Realizing God gave me gifts, I haven't used, I've been trying to do so in so many ways.

So, I have these really awesome personal victories but some how, I don't want to share them. I want them close at hand because they are too precious to be destroyed or even remotely criticized. I realize that what some call "constructive criticism" is really cynical criticism and someone's else's own self doubt. My self doubt has always stemmed from someone's else's self doubt and unwillingness to take a risk. Sure, I was asked tonight about what I'm up to but I kept it brief, to the point and shared very little. I could feel a "feeling" with just a look and the looks weren't of joy or amazement or even interest. I knew that small talk was where I would keep the conversation at. I also didn't think that revealing more would destroy my plans however no one is going to destroy me deep down internally whether it is unintentional, "well meaning" or subconscious.

I even had another conversation with someone who I have held in great esteem for a long time. When I shared my plans to take an art class. He asked why. I said that I had always loved art. He said to me that he didn't think I would and asked me if I even was good at? I said I was and he still asked "really" as if to say "I doubt it." I explained that studying fine art was my first choice  when choosing a life career after high school but did not pursue it. I was quite surprised to hear that this person did not think I was artistic at all. Where have you been the last ten years of my life dude? Where have all of my friends and family been that have doubted me? 

I have been underestimated far too long. I know it might sound vain but I will dare to say that I am that diamond in the rough. I am some one who has and is constantly trying harder. Yet, I feel that even some of my most immediate family and friends have been the people who have least supported me. I remember one time, years ago, not to point a finger but to cite an example...my husband said " don't tell me what you're going to do, just do it." To be fair, I was far too involved in too many pies (as always) but at that time, we (him and I) were having problems. He, now, I must admit is one of the most supportive people I know. I can count on him to tell him something I want to do and he tells me "do it, you can do it. If anyone can, I know you can. You are so talented." And he means it. Had it been years ago when the earlier comment was made, I would have thought he had such little faith in me. He has grown with me in so many ways. While, others have just grown apart.

So, I've learned the value of discretion. Even with my husband, for many years after that comment I made sure unfinished projects were never to be mentioned and new ones either. I kept many of my ideas quiet even from him because self doubt would creep in and I would give up. I gave up on many things not just because of him because of other people as well. I would get asked "why are you doing that? Do you really think you can do that? What are you going to? How are you going to do that?" Then, a thousand reasons why I couldn't do what I would set out to do.

Then,  I thought "WTF?" Why not? I fucking can do whatever I set my fucking my mind to? No one or one thing controls what I can or can't do. So what if I've failed on so many things? So what if I didn't get that show or my company failed or that patent? At least I fucking tried. There are so many people that don't try anything at all. They just don't try. They don't want to take the risk. They're scared of losing or what others can say of how they'll look. I'm not. It doesn't bother me. I definitely would rather die trying.

I have so many dreams still at 40. The ones that I had and didn't happen and maybe, I told my self to let them go. I will let those go. Those that I want to pick up again, I will do them. There is no limit. We set our own boundaries and that's what limits us. This is why I decided that I couldn't give up on my dreams and I had to keep going and keep trying.

So my accomplishments are now shared with few and privileged. I'm actually privileged that they will allow me to share with them what I'm striving to do. I'm happy that I have developed yet another circle of very good friends whom we have shared some very important and life changing moments together. These are people that believe in me and I believe in them. I also have had some phenomenal and giving people not only give me their friendship, some have shared their talents and time to help my succeed all very selflessly. Amazingly, God is hand picking these people and we gravitate to each other. There is an almost cosmic energy and synergy that we share. It is beyond profound and gratifying. Discretion is not a term that I elect to use with my now chosen few.

I caution to still use discretion with anyone who can look at you and with one look tear you down. Cynicism lies deep in many people's hearts; they tell themselves and the mirror frequently that they are good people but they only to so because their conscience knows different.

Baby, It's Cold Outside

Almost every morning I snuggle with my four year old. I think every morning when she caresses my arm for warmth and as she sinks further into my arms and lap what a treasured moment that is. I normally don't care if she or I get to school or work late. It's all about her and I sharing a moment together. Did I ever have a moment like that when I was younger? I almost have to constantly remind my self to write down those moments with her. I have two others and my memory already fails me of those treasured moments, those first times and those little creeped up smiles coming from the corner of my mouth. I hate, absolutely hate that I've forgotten what it was like to snuggle with my other two. Here, I try to, almost hold on to those bliss moments as much as I can.

Do other parents pain as much as I do every morning I send my four year old to school? Why do I have to do this? Why do I have to send her off to brave the cold, spend time with other borrowed people and kids and learn something? All things she could be doing with me? Why do we have to go through this rite with our children? Who said children had to leave their homes in such early ages to learn?

When, in my lifetime did I have the opportunity and just enjoy my children and my child without having to make them be part of these schedules?

I don't feel like other parents feel the way I do. I would much rather keep her home and let her enjoy her comfort level and her safety net. But, I can't. And so we sit, together, in silence. I hope something better for her. I pray for something better for her. In the meantime, treasure. Remember. Embrace.

Letting an Illusion Go Permanently

That can be a real load off someone's personal pysche and persona. Literally. It's almost pathetic how one can ride on the illusion of a real fanstastically unrealistic almost surreal fantasy. It becomes consuming and categorically sick. I confess. I was one of these people. And in my persona, I still dream the dream and try to make it go on and almost convince my self that this could be my future but its not.

It's reminiscent of that movie that made me tear up and cry so much that my stomach ached as much as my heart did. Had I been able to pick up the pieces of my broken heart, the collage would have come together as the semblance of a broken person or image. I didn't tear up at Vanilla Sky because of the ending but because of what I believed was the moral or my interpretation of the movie and "missed opportunities."

I'm not talking about professional, career changing or business opportunities. I'm talking about what others deem as THE ONE THAT WALKED AWAY. Mine didn't walk way. I walked away. I walked away from some one who could have been something or someone.

Notice the word "could" meaning that person wasn't, couldn't be, isn't nor ever will be what I want them to be. But, it so happened I thought if I fantasized about it enough, conjured him, and thought about him enough that I would WILL us together. The sickening and compulsive nature of this was that it became a daily addiction. I was so miserable in my present relationship I obsessed compulsively about another person and what could be that I was remiss in my immediate situation. I would make my self fall asleep thinking about the reunion or that chance meeting that would change my life and bring me back to ten or more years ago.

It never happened. When it did happen, not a chance meeting but one of a planned encounter, it was an encounter of a third kind. Literally. It was so surreal, for neither one of us did it ever meet the expectation that had been built up in our minds. Even after the encounter, this realization was shattering. Dawning.

I write about this because I think in writing the words there is more closure than actually saying or thinking them. I closed my self off to any possibility exactly a year ago. When I say a possibility, it might have been for another encounter even just for coffee but something. I realized, though, that this was not healthy. I wasn't receiving anything from the relationship - a call once awhile, some minor flirtation, a glance my way, an acknowledgement but that's it. I would never get that human warmth, companionship or support from him either as a friend or more. 

I had friends whose worth was so much more. His, was one of lacking and unconcern. The fact that I wanted more for so long was irrelevant and the fact that I want more now is. So, today, with no remorse I voiced the truth. I said things that for some odd reason I couldn't say. I had been holding back so many truths when holding back is not something I do. Yes, I do it in order not to hurt those I care and love but none of those two factors matter any more. 

And now, I finally feel a new release. I feel good. I am no longer bound by a sense of falsehood or pretense needed on my part. I don't need to protect myself because this is the here and now. My reality is one of my own and not made up of fantastical romanticism. Here, I let go of yet another part of my "secret life" there never led to anything. There was never any moment that I can say "smile because it happened" because it didn't. 

But, I realized it. It some what hurts but I'm ready to move on. That's a good thing. 

-Meow Meow

Life goals - Is this Mid-Life Crisis?

I was having a conversation with my friend Mickey about things I want to work on. I had to laugh at my self. I said, "are there other people like my self who want to do so much?" We were talking about projects and interests. I kept talking about wanting to take some art classes, some baking classes, pick up on my writing and take acting classes. For real? All of that? Is that at all possible to do all that and why?

Is it that I don't know what I want to be when I grow up? Or is it my bucket list still?

When I was younger, in high school, I was extremely talented in art, very artistic. I really enjoyed it. It was the late 80's and the future in art was so unknown. We were still learning MS Dos on computers and there was talk of graphic design as an art option. My parents weren't even really interested in me going to college; it was up to me to decide if there was anything that I wanted to pursue. Like my mom said then, "no one studies art or makes money on art until their dead." Then, came the option of something practical like business. Yes, I took classes in art in college but never followed through.

I loved to bake and even looked at culinary schools at the time. There was a school which is well known now but was so remote and far away, Rhode Island was not an option. Now, Johnson and Wales and many years later AND many culinary schools later have grown as has the whole culinary craze. Here I am still just now discovering at age 39 that milk and lemon equals buttermilk. I still can't figure out how to make my muffins fluffy without over mixing. I remember when I would say to my mom I wanted to own a bakery and bake away and she would say that I would get fat. Guess what? I don't own a bakery. I am still fat. Here I am years after pining away for my coffee bakery shop. I have had concepts like the Drawing Room (a Victorian Tea room), The Hot Spot (a wifi bakery in Peru) and Two Fat Ladies Bakery.

Then, there was my writing. I used to write those notes between friends, the kind that were ten pages long even if I saw my friends daily. Then, we got into writing short stories to each other and who could weave a windier tale than the next. Then, there was all my diary writing. In my adulthood, there was wonderful college essays that I love to reread and admire my own poignancy. Heh heh. I even got to the point of working on show treatments, concepts and patent writing. Now, I'm onto writing a play idea. Hence, the idea of taking acting classes.

...and baking classes and art classes. And can I do it? Hell yeah. I have to. I have an insatiable desire to master my interests. I have a desire to finish what I started. Does that mean completing my bucket list? Absolutely.

I made a list before I was thirty and did not complete even half of those things. Here I am a decade later and still looking for completion. Write a book. Write a play. Whatever. Do big events. Own my bakery. Bake my own concoctions. Paint. Master watercolor.

Of course, I must be the master of my own creativity. If that means that at age 40, I now become a creative business entrepreneur and artist in many ways that I have wanted to be, then allow self-evolution. It's time now to give up two decades lost in depression, self-anger, hesitation and time to let the universe take what it has claimed the day I was born.

--MEOW MEOW

Fragility of Life: Lessons Learned

Reference to yesterday's posting: I said I was not going to write about something negative or moreover, I think I decided that I would not allow negativity to dictate my thought and my life. This posting is closely related to that. I also wrote about the power of negativity but also the power that true prayer and faith brings - miracles. I also stated my case for knowing these miracles come out of one's own power of positive thought.

Lessons Learned the Last Couple of Months:

Turn Your Karma Around - you control your thoughts, your results, your future. You are the dictator of your actions.
Believe in God. Believe in whoever whatever cosmic deity that brings forth good in you and helps you resolve major obstacles that you may be putting in your way.
Don't Hold a Grudge - with no one. These are so filled of negativity. They consume you. Worst of all, don't hold a grudge with a loved one.
If you Hold a Grudge with a "friend," think of letting go - dead weight and negativity comes in all shapes and sizes and people! If you're not willing to give up a friend, then give your self space; everyone deserves their own time and space. What's meant to be is meant to be in any kind of relationship.

AND MY FAVORITE - Don't EVER EVER GIVE up. Enough said. That's the story of my life and I mean it. I still have more to give, share and create. If I leave my kids ever anything worth while besides my true Love is to not ever give up. I can't even say more on this.

This concludes the summary of yesterday because someone very dear to me is very ill, so ill, it's not sure if this person will make it. She is on oxygen and a blood transfusion and they have found several uterine tumors. She was told that she was lucky she even could walk into ER alive. I was so crushed because I love this person so. She is a my cousin. There have been times this past year I have been very upset at her and I have scolded her (lovingly) but feel this has come to this because of some of the points I addressed above. I am going to talk to her today about all of these things. I'm going to spend time with her because life is too short because she needs to be loved. She's worth giving more love to. She needs to feel she is worth receiving the love.

I have been in tears today as a result but I realize - I have my faith! I believe in second chances and this is one of those. I don't want to dwell on the negative; I want to live in the positive because I know she is here now. I am here now for her. Our family is here now for her.

I like what I'm becoming and what ultimately I need to become and have wanted to become, a kind and loving human being and example. I aspire to teach this to my kids. Yes, cynical world - I, you, me, the power of many will defy our innate cynicism and try, TRY to be positive for a change.


--MEOW MEOW

Time to Start and Why I ever Stopped

Okay, okay, so I admit I might have started for some interior motives and other some truer motives but I had to step back and think a little why I was writing. I always liked writing since I was young. I had a flair for drama or a flair for exaggeration or something the other. I have tried writing comedy, skits, short stories, marketing copy, other blogs, web content and even patents (odd). I started this blog for reasons other than the ones mentioned above. I have suffered a long time with depression ( a self fought battle meaning no medications) and feeling very low, low points of self doubt and internal beating. Hence, the genesis.

I think I mentioned Squirrel and my self wanting a vent. Say what you want when you want. Self therapy? Or just more reason to add more hurt to the pain? Are the forces of the universe really sending back the bad karma to us? Squirrel has been going through a lot. We haven't even seen each other barely. Over the holidays, we saw very little of each other. I am not going through the same as Squirrel. By far, my problems are only a grain of salt in a heap. Therefore, willingly, we have given each other a peaceful friend break. One, to reconstruct and rebuild and two, to give each other space to think. Don't get this wrong. This is break of mutual understanding, the beauty of our new found friendship ( of less than a year but the feeling of one that stems from childhood and familiarity).

I thought "all of this negativity can't be good" not for Squirrel or for myself. Me, my personal frustration with my professional pursuits and almost years of bringing projects to fruition keep meeting obstacles. Squirrel, his personal frustrations with his own failing business and health. Yet, we wanted to soak in our woes and that wasn't working. We were bitching and not doing anything about it. I had to inspire myself to write more woe. Seriously. I had run out of topics so quickly. My range of writing skill was limited to my limitations or his or those of others. Quite depressing. So depressing that I depressed myself right out of writing about it.

So, there are a couple of what I consider very life changing events that have recently happened to make me change.  Well, right not it seems I can muster one event up:

I realized that my negativity towards my mother was bringing me down. Now, that's not shattering but for me it is. I have kept an almost "you owe me" type attitude with her. I would ask my self why I couldn't be loving or more daughterly to my mother? Why didn't I care enough? Quite honestly, I couldn't even bring my self to miss her during our annual year apart. I blamed her for me not caring enough and sometimes not even loving her enough.

In the midst, we are in the middle of a very scary probate matter (which I will spell at one point but not in this post). This event has been very Scary because it has forced me to rethink my childhood, my relationship with my parents, my father's death and my mother's new unknown illnesses. All of this has come about,exactly three years. Now, my resentment is deeply rooted beyond three years and includes my thirty nine years of life however, the tension has been worse these last years. It's unfortunate but it is closely related to inheritance, being a "daughter" in my mother's eyes, being insufficient in her mind which she will not admit and my thinking she has never loved me.

BUT BUT I AM MAKING IT WORSE FOR MYSELF. I HAVE MADE IT WORSE FOR MYSELF. TALKING ABOUT IT. EDGING IT ON. BRINGING ON MY ATTITUDE. IT IS NOT ALL ABOUT ME. IT IS NOT ABOUT ME DESERVING BETTER. YES, I DESERVE BETTER BUT NOT IN THIS, NOT ANYMORE BECAUSE I HAVE CHILDREN TO MAKE THEIR LIVES BETTER. AND THIS IS MY SPRINGING POINT.

We walked in to court about a month ago and I almost fainted thinking about the dreaded fateful outcome hoping that it be positive. And it wasn't so bad. Rewind to the night before and the promise and the revelation. The Promise: Never to speak ill or so poorly of my mother so that everything would turn out okay. The Relevation: All of my mean words of my mother were coming back to haunt me emotionally and in the end, really making her sick and me. Because I mean, she's really sick and we don't even know what it is. That worries me. And all of this is making her sick. And I'm making her sick. I'm wishing this on her indirectly and it has to stop because it's a circle and its coming back to hurt her and ultimately, me, the way it happened with my Dad. AND THEN THE DAY HAPPENED. AND IT WASN"T SO BAD. And I felt better.

Relieved that God had heard. Yes, HE who sits there whomever or whatever he is. Call him Allah, Budhha, the Extra Terrestials, Angels, this Spirit listens. He hears my pain and call. He has heard it before but me, ungrateful I forget to thank, to praise the Earth, the planet, my birthplace. Because he heard. He gave me peace that day. He heard my heart. I didn't want to lose my mom like this knowing that somehow he was giving me a chance. He was giving me the chance I wasn't given with Papi.


He heard. I heard. I heard that no more hurt. That the little resentment that I might have is not worth it, not to lose someone that is still a vital part of me and will hurt more when she's gone. No remorse will bring her back. I heard it.

Then, he heard the other prayer. There was more. There was another promise made on my part. One that acknowledges what utter irresponsibility I have shown time and time again. I can't speak of it. It is really quite embarassing. I can't even mention because it is quite shameful when my mother has trusted me so much. To think, that I literal could have ruined my mother's life ashames me and has really been a reason for me to always make excuses of my mother's behavior (or lack of motherly behavior). THEN, when another financial catastrophe was about to happen alongside the court date, I knew that no one other than my self was to blame for this. More karma, payback is miserable and revealing. Again, I prayed. I prayed for that day to change and I prayed for the opportunity by God to redeem myself and to allow me to do so discretely. I didn't deserve discretion however, I asked for it because knowing my disgusting ego, I would have found a way to "defend" my actions and not deserve any redemption at all. HE knew this. HE knew "let her just do right" and the rest will follow.

And again, my prayer was heard. Twice, one after the other. Somehow, I was able to get it together and on a deadline date. I really would like to even write further on that but am not ready yet. It will all come together under one bound cover. I hope. In the meantime, all I can say is how thankful I was. How thankful I am still.

How I look at my mother and think "forgive me, forgive me, forgive me."

I'm ready to start again. 2011. 

--Meow Meow