I wanted Squirrel to feel what I wanted to feel - freedom. Freedom from life, from personal woes, from things that surround us, from the material things that inprison our souls, or even just a way to scream. I suggested a "cleansing" of his home where I knew mine was in desperate need of him. I think of him now because somehow I know he is awake accompanying me in a certain way. In a certain way, we have some synergy. He is cleaning out his house and I'm writing about him cleaning out his house.
I'm so proud of him because I want to do what he is doing. I am weighted down by fear, procrastination, fearing to lose time and so many other reasons. I have inertia of not wanting to do anything. I keep seeing time standing still in my house but as a day goes by, so has five, ten or more.
I'm no longer that sexy girl with that charming smile. I no longer can cause a halting stare or the admiring grin of some handsome stranger. I'm me, I'm feeling ugly and old. Grey hairs sneakingly peep out between my dyed roots, little chick feet start sprawling around my eyes and even my husband commented on my hands getting wrinkled. Where did the time go?
I want to see new and modern. I want to have money in the bank to buy my whims. I want to buy away my aging and make it new and artificial whichever way possible. I want a pseudo cure for something that is so real that ails my soul, my inner being and even those artificial material things that surround me.
I can't sleep. I didn't even make it through the zen feng shui list AT ALL:
no mirrors in the bedrooms
cover my tv, put the tv in the corner
repaint my room
get rid of clutter
clear up my door
get a boulder for my door
get some crystal and quartz for my house
clear the linen and things underneath the beds
finish all unfinished
Ok - i cleared out my hall way and have the plants there. I made a plan for the big mirror. I have a mini crystal but it came with jagged edges. I just feel like I'm making no headway cause I need to do this. I don't need to do these things because they will actually make me feel better. I don't need to do this because my life will be better and all the bad luck will go away. Squirrel doesn't need to do this for those purposes.
I need to do this to keep my mind occupied. So does he. I need to do this because it brings some sanity to the insanity in my mind and in my life. I need to do this because cleaning is like a ritual. It becomes habitual. It occupies time; it doesn't waste it.
You do not waste under your covers. You do not wake up at noon and realize you have lost half of your day. You do not lose time.
It makes you do something. In the end, you will have completed something rather than nothing. You will ultimately feel that something means something. And a Zero is a Full Circle of Completeness. I feel if this can be completed maybe I can feel somewhat complete. My need for accomplishment now comes from this need to check off this list because all the other lists in my life are incomplete.
Hallway better. Check.
My personal health.
Cleaned the hall cabinet. Check.
Had my health checkup.
Organized my car. Check.
Did something sexy for myself.
Went through all the pending bills. Check.
Looked for jobs.
Bought the money plant. Check.
Confessed to my husband that I am really upset at him for not working and looking for a job.
Threw away broken dishes. Check.
Need to get my life in order...
