What's Love Got To Do With It?

I am like a Squirrel. I am up early at the crack of dawn scurrying around getting my things done for the day. I'm that solitary squirrel thinking what's the next step in my series of things to do. I find some peace and happiness like those squirrels collecting their nuts. I enjoy my day exploring my senses as the squirrels watching the season change before my eyes. There are rays of golden colors and hues that come through the window and form a prism of fall sensuous colors. And just as I observe the beauty of this, there's  a couple of love birds outside.

It was my neighbors embraced cognizant of only their spirits, holding and caressing each other probably to bid "good morning, farewell, have a good a day, my love " or some other tender thought. I became a squirrel in a tree, frozen, listening, observing. I watched almost in awe and wonder at such an expression of love in the morning. I realized my snooping in on this couple's obviously intimate moment was a more apparent deficiency in myself. I had a longing as I watched. I wondered, "is this what love is about?"

Will I ever have a moment of tender like this? Not one that I have shared with family or friends. I wanted a different type of openness. This was an openness of flagrant morning sensuality that brings just a small grin to your lips and wanting to your soul. Or is it a longing in the heart? Will I ever have a chance to hug, caress, feel that warmth, have an intimate moment or share a hidden a smile like the ones of my neighbors doing so now?

They continued giggling, embracing, sharing passionate kisses almost not worrying where they had to get to. Whether a train or bus was missed, whether the time card was punched late and morning work fell behind, this was not among their worries. She stared at him coquetishly, her long black curly hair wisping in the morning fall wind and he stared back grinning embracing her into his large black overcoat as if to make sure she didn't escape keeping her warm and close to him. I wanted to interrupt this realm of surreality to me. "Don't you have something to do? Aren't you going to be late?" That was better than thinking of what I was missing.


Maybe I wasn't like that squirrel. Maybe the solitude is not what I want. I may be lonely but I'm not alone. I want to experience a different type of open love but yet so intimate that no one or thing can interrupt a moment. I want to feel what these two enamored beautiful people are feeling. They are beautiful because they must be experiencing some awesome beauty that holds them together in such an intense and enduring gaze. It holds me as well. I am almost ashamed to be watching them and ashamed to be wanting the same. I almost hate to turn around and miss this wonderous moment of bliss. I feel a buzz; it's like soft zenful music that sings to me. I walk away wondering " will I always be looking from behind" instead of being part of the picture?

I turn, time to collect the nuts. - SQUIRREL



A movie that makes you think about "missed opportunities." 

Morning Reflection. Make it Right.

I woke up in the fowlest of moods. Literally, had I been a day time vampire, I would have ravished the blood of thousands. However, I am just a meek human and therefore, I had to wind down my temper and control myself. I remember my brashness and stinging words on some of my past but recent rampades and made sure this morning's mom rant and rave did not offend.

It wasn't easy. It's scary how your children come out like you whether by osmosis, inheritance or force of nature. I get scared to see how much one of my children has that sad, depressive nature that I grew up with. The only difference is that I fought all along the way. I fought feeling that way, unsure of myself and unhappy about my surroundings and made the best of it, somehow. Whether my early school day writing, my imagination, my outdoor after school adventures, or my fascination with barbies helped me through it all. Now, I am praying and hoping that will help him. Whether his fancy is wrestling, or games or reading, ANYTHING that will help him take him away from the darkness. Because it doesn't matter if the day is sunny, the weather is gray, the darkness comes from within.

Like this morning, I didn't know why I wanted to hail a plate across the wall. I didn't know why I wanted to scream. I did know why I wanted to run but that would only serve to make matters worse. So, I stayed within my four walls. And here, he was feeling the same. Why?

Am I to blame because I show my true colors way too much to my kids. They know when I'm up. They know when I'm down. They know when my mood and my demeanor hang on the preface looking down.

And so the day started for my son and myself. The same. I sharply said without hesitation and without a tenderly bone in my bod. "Snap out of it. What happened yesterday is gone. It's spilt milk. Don't worry about it."

But, he was worried about it. He was crying about not passing a test and having had a terrible day. I said, "That's all? C'mon, it's over. Today is a new day and it's your chance to start over. Don't worry about it."

So, that sounds pretty decent but it wasn't. He needed more. He needed a hug, a comfort, a kind and tender motherly word but I couldn't do it. Not today. And Here I am thinking still about it. When I said I wouldn't be my mother, here I was wearing her shoes again.

I will make it right today. I will hug him and cuddle him when I get home. I will go out with him only today. Today, he will be my oldest and my first baby as he deserves to be.

And today, I will be the person I deserve to be. Happy. - MEOW MEOW