Teetering On the Verge

I don't want to make this about my feeling down or grumpy or complaining. It did start that way. Now, its more like a "Me" diary which might include a complaint or two. The truth is I am a person who is on the verge of a continual nervous breakdown. I never quite fully have the breakdown for some reason. I usually just brush off my knees and start over again; sometimes something artificial or medicinal gives me a push. Rarely, is it the latter.

For a brief stint after giving birth I was put on some post-partum blues' stuff and then, later some other depression med. I can't even cite the name because I have been a firm believer that all of that stuff numbs you and doesn't help things become any clearer. I might be wrong but I have never felt any better taking medicine. I have never wanted to feel like I was hooked or dependent on anything.

However, I seem to be hooked on feeling down and I hate it. I wake up. It's just there.

Hello? You're here again?Who invited you? 

I thought I was okay. I thought I didn't need you. You make me question my self, doubt my self, wonder why I feel the way I do. I'm upset. I'm feeling edgy. Noise and useless questions bother me. I hate my job. I want to crawl back into my bed. It doesn't matter how much I want to erase the past and reinvent my self. I, me, id, comes out again. It crawls out of me some semblance of melancholy black wilted roses and the stench of unhappiness. It's icky and it disturbs me. I ache for normality.

I wonder how do people like me have children? How do we jump from type A to type B? I hate teetering and tottering from absolute bliss and hope to dark seeking obscurity.

Yesterday, I woke up wanted to just burst in tears. I thought, "it must be tomorrow I have to go back to work." I dreaded go to work. It took me 2 hours to go to work. I still got my coffee and leisurely walked in. I was so unhappy there. Then, I was anxious to rush home only four hours later. I got home and all I wanted to do was go to my bed. Avoid everyone at all cost including kids. My depressive "hangover" could not hear noise or joy over children jumping, playing or happy to be near me. I retreated to my room to seek solace in my privacy. Soon after my children were there. I could not have been any angrier having bursts of sheer maddening anger, yelling while finally begging and pleading for peace and quiet. Solitude was too much to ask when all my poor children ever do is hang on my every word even when Hyde appears.

This bothers me so. It disturbs me to wake up this way to feel this way. This anxiousness is unnerving. I don't like feeling that I can't control my emotions. The noise and the kids' carelessness is an area I can't seem to harness. I pray for peace and to want be part of the pack again, regain my creativity and create. Fortunately, I teeter more than I totter but tiring of being always on that precipice which is really scary at times.

Regular Rant on Losing Deadweight AKA Useless Friends

I've been saying this, thinking this and preaching this. I've been learning this process for years. For some reasons, people either adopt me or I adopt them to be my new friends. This still is very selective on my part and not as random as you might think. The guy that sleeps on my office stairs would not be my friend, not because he's homeless but more so because we haven't engaged in a conversation nor do I know if we hold anything in  common. A person might engage in a conversation with me and I find value in it and want to continue future conversations or interactions with. This has happened quite a lot to me since I was a young adult. Some have turned in to friendships and some to very dangerous almost "single white female"-like relationships (if they could even be deemed part of that latter word).

Through that process, I have learned to let go of relationships sometimes feeling great regret and other times not feeling anything at all. I think my true nature despite all of my sensitivity is quite callous. Although maybe not? If a "friend" is not a friend then there is no loss. If this person has brought more turmoil, negativity and needless waste of time, why keep them on? I really believe if a person brings no value to you then why surround your own being around them? Value is the perfect way of measuring friendship. It means some kind of worth - whether the value you hold in the friendship is more intrinsic or materialistic, there is a value to it. I asked a friend "what value did someone else have to her?" She sort of said that it wasn't about value but that she actually liked that person; well, then, there was a value to it.

A person who brings a smile to your face or makes you laugh or keeps you company when you go shopping or hits you up once in awhile just for enlightened conversation, those all hold some type of self worth to them. Now, a friend who has the personality of a wet mop does not seem to hold any value to hold on to. Sure, they may be nice people but characteristically, there is nothing else there for one to be friends with. Do you identify with that person? Do they have some common interests or some amazing talent? Then, why hold on to a "friend" who has no personality?

Sample in point. I was just called a wet mop. In a series of two days, in a conversation with the same "friend," not only was I considered to be clumsy, non-artistic, the next day I was nabbed with being considered to have the personality of a wet mop, told that I spoke "bazofia" (Spanish for rubbish or garbage) and that they had always thought of me as doing mamarrachos (Spanish for messes). All of these in my opinion could be no worse than being told by my mother that I was a mistake to have. I was told by this same friend that I spoke rubbish or garbage and that everything that I had ever done was garbage. I sought out my husband for support and asked him "do you think I'm talented and do you think I am actually doing something?" He was so kind and I really think he said it because he believes it, not because he knows me so long or because I'm his wife. He categorically said that I was extremely talented amazing him constantly and I smiled. I smile even to think this because it feels so nice to hear that, to feel it and to actually believe it. Deep inside I've known this since a young age but never believed in my self. I might not have believed because of lack of self esteem or self worth but a big issue had to do with worrying what others thought of me. I was always a little concerned about some crazy idea of mine - how someone would take it or criticize it or me. This is what this "foe" thought about me. This was not a person I should trust, like or know any more. Furthermore, decidedly this person for whatever reason did not know or like me anymore.

I realized I didn't like this person either. When I pointed out that these words were hurtful, I was further surprised as to why this person was upset that they hadn't been more hypocritical with me. I needed to be thankful that I was told this. I was done the favor of being told that I was a bore. I asked why had they kept me on as an "esteemed" friend for so long; I was told that was irrelevant that I was still well liked and "loved." I say this with a bit or sarcasm and a frown on my face because I'm not sure how I can react to this. Yet, it was all useful helping me acknowledge the my very same feelings towards this person. I didn't like him any more. There was nothing tying me to converse, share or trust with him. He had become almost non-important serving only for some idle chatter on IM once in awhile and occasional hello on the phone every quarter.

I couldn't remember a card, a gift or even something of materialistic value that I had gotten from him. Then, there's the intrinsic emotional or platonic values that were also lacking. It only made it easier to let go. Yes, he was a prick for what he said but it served a point to say "goodbye" once in for all. Do I wish him well? No. I know that doesn't seem very Christian like of me but Who gives a fuck? Seriously. I was so disturbed by his proclamation that my retorts were like "you're trash. you're a loser. you're a piece shit." I couldn't be half as clever as he was hiding behind his words for his apparent and yet-not-so-apparent disdain of me for the last thirteen years!!!

Thank you. I have cut the chains of pointless acquaintance with idle banter. Had I done this years ago when I knew this deep in my heart, I might have made leaps and bounds in one other or more worthwhile friendships. I would have cultivated maybe a lost friendship or made a current one more fruitful. I wouldn't have continued sharing my rubbish or mindless notions and uninteresting and tiresome persona. For years, I had thought I was throwing away my pearls to someone who didn't deserve them. Indeed. While I was told they would not "cave in" to apologizing for what they said. I don't need them to because I will not cave in anymore. I have learned this, I think, for the very last time in my forty young years.



"Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)"

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

-Green Day