Through that process, I have learned to let go of relationships sometimes feeling great regret and other times not feeling anything at all. I think my true nature despite all of my sensitivity is quite callous. Although maybe not? If a "friend" is not a friend then there is no loss. If this person has brought more turmoil, negativity and needless waste of time, why keep them on? I really believe if a person brings no value to you then why surround your own being around them? Value is the perfect way of measuring friendship. It means some kind of worth - whether the value you hold in the friendship is more intrinsic or materialistic, there is a value to it. I asked a friend "what value did someone else have to her?" She sort of said that it wasn't about value but that she actually liked that person; well, then, there was a value to it.
A person who brings a smile to your face or makes you laugh or keeps you company when you go shopping or hits you up once in awhile just for enlightened conversation, those all hold some type of self worth to them. Now, a friend who has the personality of a wet mop does not seem to hold any value to hold on to. Sure, they may be nice people but characteristically, there is nothing else there for one to be friends with. Do you identify with that person? Do they have some common interests or some amazing talent? Then, why hold on to a "friend" who has no personality?
Sample in point. I was just called a wet mop. In a series of two days, in a conversation with the same "friend," not only was I considered to be clumsy, non-artistic, the next day I was nabbed with being considered to have the personality of a wet mop, told that I spoke "bazofia" (Spanish for rubbish or garbage) and that they had always thought of me as doing mamarrachos (Spanish for messes). All of these in my opinion could be no worse than being told by my mother that I was a mistake to have. I was told by this same friend that I spoke rubbish or garbage and that everything that I had ever done was garbage. I sought out my husband for support and asked him "do you think I'm talented and do you think I am actually doing something?" He was so kind and I really think he said it because he believes it, not because he knows me so long or because I'm his wife. He categorically said that I was extremely talented amazing him constantly and I smiled. I smile even to think this because it feels so nice to hear that, to feel it and to actually believe it. Deep inside I've known this since a young age but never believed in my self. I might not have believed because of lack of self esteem or self worth but a big issue had to do with worrying what others thought of me. I was always a little concerned about some crazy idea of mine - how someone would take it or criticize it or me. This is what this "foe" thought about me. This was not a person I should trust, like or know any more. Furthermore, decidedly this person for whatever reason did not know or like me anymore.
I realized I didn't like this person either. When I pointed out that these words were hurtful, I was further surprised as to why this person was upset that they hadn't been more hypocritical with me. I needed to be thankful that I was told this. I was done the favor of being told that I was a bore. I asked why had they kept me on as an "esteemed" friend for so long; I was told that was irrelevant that I was still well liked and "loved." I say this with a bit or sarcasm and a frown on my face because I'm not sure how I can react to this. Yet, it was all useful helping me acknowledge the my very same feelings towards this person. I didn't like him any more. There was nothing tying me to converse, share or trust with him. He had become almost non-important serving only for some idle chatter on IM once in awhile and occasional hello on the phone every quarter.
I couldn't remember a card, a gift or even something of materialistic value that I had gotten from him. Then, there's the intrinsic emotional or platonic values that were also lacking. It only made it easier to let go. Yes, he was a prick for what he said but it served a point to say "goodbye" once in for all. Do I wish him well? No. I know that doesn't seem very Christian like of me but Who gives a fuck? Seriously. I was so disturbed by his proclamation that my retorts were like "you're trash. you're a loser. you're a piece shit." I couldn't be half as clever as he was hiding behind his words for his apparent and yet-not-so-apparent disdain of me for the last thirteen years!!!
Thank you. I have cut the chains of pointless acquaintance with idle banter. Had I done this years ago when I knew this deep in my heart, I might have made leaps and bounds in one other or more worthwhile friendships. I would have cultivated maybe a lost friendship or made a current one more fruitful. I wouldn't have continued sharing my rubbish or mindless notions and uninteresting and tiresome persona. For years, I had thought I was throwing away my pearls to someone who didn't deserve them. Indeed. While I was told they would not "cave in" to apologizing for what they said. I don't need them to because I will not cave in anymore. I have learned this, I think, for the very last time in my forty young years.
"Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)"
Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
-Green Day
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