Teetering On the Verge

I don't want to make this about my feeling down or grumpy or complaining. It did start that way. Now, its more like a "Me" diary which might include a complaint or two. The truth is I am a person who is on the verge of a continual nervous breakdown. I never quite fully have the breakdown for some reason. I usually just brush off my knees and start over again; sometimes something artificial or medicinal gives me a push. Rarely, is it the latter.

For a brief stint after giving birth I was put on some post-partum blues' stuff and then, later some other depression med. I can't even cite the name because I have been a firm believer that all of that stuff numbs you and doesn't help things become any clearer. I might be wrong but I have never felt any better taking medicine. I have never wanted to feel like I was hooked or dependent on anything.

However, I seem to be hooked on feeling down and I hate it. I wake up. It's just there.

Hello? You're here again?Who invited you? 

I thought I was okay. I thought I didn't need you. You make me question my self, doubt my self, wonder why I feel the way I do. I'm upset. I'm feeling edgy. Noise and useless questions bother me. I hate my job. I want to crawl back into my bed. It doesn't matter how much I want to erase the past and reinvent my self. I, me, id, comes out again. It crawls out of me some semblance of melancholy black wilted roses and the stench of unhappiness. It's icky and it disturbs me. I ache for normality.

I wonder how do people like me have children? How do we jump from type A to type B? I hate teetering and tottering from absolute bliss and hope to dark seeking obscurity.

Yesterday, I woke up wanted to just burst in tears. I thought, "it must be tomorrow I have to go back to work." I dreaded go to work. It took me 2 hours to go to work. I still got my coffee and leisurely walked in. I was so unhappy there. Then, I was anxious to rush home only four hours later. I got home and all I wanted to do was go to my bed. Avoid everyone at all cost including kids. My depressive "hangover" could not hear noise or joy over children jumping, playing or happy to be near me. I retreated to my room to seek solace in my privacy. Soon after my children were there. I could not have been any angrier having bursts of sheer maddening anger, yelling while finally begging and pleading for peace and quiet. Solitude was too much to ask when all my poor children ever do is hang on my every word even when Hyde appears.

This bothers me so. It disturbs me to wake up this way to feel this way. This anxiousness is unnerving. I don't like feeling that I can't control my emotions. The noise and the kids' carelessness is an area I can't seem to harness. I pray for peace and to want be part of the pack again, regain my creativity and create. Fortunately, I teeter more than I totter but tiring of being always on that precipice which is really scary at times.