Okay, okay, so I admit I might have started for some interior motives and other some truer motives but I had to step back and think a little why I was writing. I always liked writing since I was young. I had a flair for drama or a flair for exaggeration or something the other. I have tried writing comedy, skits, short stories, marketing copy, other blogs, web content and even patents (odd). I started this blog for reasons other than the ones mentioned above. I have suffered a long time with depression ( a self fought battle meaning no medications) and feeling very low, low points of self doubt and internal beating. Hence, the genesis.
I think I mentioned Squirrel and my self wanting a vent. Say what you want when you want. Self therapy? Or just more reason to add more hurt to the pain? Are the forces of the universe really sending back the bad karma to us? Squirrel has been going through a lot. We haven't even seen each other barely. Over the holidays, we saw very little of each other. I am not going through the same as Squirrel. By far, my problems are only a grain of salt in a heap. Therefore, willingly, we have given each other a peaceful friend break. One, to reconstruct and rebuild and two, to give each other space to think. Don't get this wrong. This is break of mutual understanding, the beauty of our new found friendship ( of less than a year but the feeling of one that stems from childhood and familiarity).
I thought "all of this negativity can't be good" not for Squirrel or for myself. Me, my personal frustration with my professional pursuits and almost years of bringing projects to fruition keep meeting obstacles. Squirrel, his personal frustrations with his own failing business and health. Yet, we wanted to soak in our woes and that wasn't working. We were bitching and not doing anything about it. I had to inspire myself to write more woe. Seriously. I had run out of topics so quickly. My range of writing skill was limited to my limitations or his or those of others. Quite depressing. So depressing that I depressed myself right out of writing about it.
So, there are a couple of what I consider very life changing events that have recently happened to make me change. Well, right not it seems I can muster one event up:
I realized that my negativity towards my mother was bringing me down. Now, that's not shattering but for me it is. I have kept an almost "you owe me" type attitude with her. I would ask my self why I couldn't be loving or more daughterly to my mother? Why didn't I care enough? Quite honestly, I couldn't even bring my self to miss her during our annual year apart. I blamed her for me not caring enough and sometimes not even loving her enough.
In the midst, we are in the middle of a very scary probate matter (which I will spell at one point but not in this post). This event has been very Scary because it has forced me to rethink my childhood, my relationship with my parents, my father's death and my mother's new unknown illnesses. All of this has come about,exactly three years. Now, my resentment is deeply rooted beyond three years and includes my thirty nine years of life however, the tension has been worse these last years. It's unfortunate but it is closely related to inheritance, being a "daughter" in my mother's eyes, being insufficient in her mind which she will not admit and my thinking she has never loved me.
BUT BUT I AM MAKING IT WORSE FOR MYSELF. I HAVE MADE IT WORSE FOR MYSELF. TALKING ABOUT IT. EDGING IT ON. BRINGING ON MY ATTITUDE. IT IS NOT ALL ABOUT ME. IT IS NOT ABOUT ME DESERVING BETTER. YES, I DESERVE BETTER BUT NOT IN THIS, NOT ANYMORE BECAUSE I HAVE CHILDREN TO MAKE THEIR LIVES BETTER. AND THIS IS MY SPRINGING POINT.
We walked in to court about a month ago and I almost fainted thinking about the dreaded fateful outcome hoping that it be positive. And it wasn't so bad. Rewind to the night before and the promise and the revelation. The Promise: Never to speak ill or so poorly of my mother so that everything would turn out okay. The Relevation: All of my mean words of my mother were coming back to haunt me emotionally and in the end, really making her sick and me. Because I mean, she's really sick and we don't even know what it is. That worries me. And all of this is making her sick. And I'm making her sick. I'm wishing this on her indirectly and it has to stop because it's a circle and its coming back to hurt her and ultimately, me, the way it happened with my Dad. AND THEN THE DAY HAPPENED. AND IT WASN"T SO BAD. And I felt better.
Relieved that God had heard. Yes, HE who sits there whomever or whatever he is. Call him Allah, Budhha, the Extra Terrestials, Angels, this Spirit listens. He hears my pain and call. He has heard it before but me, ungrateful I forget to thank, to praise the Earth, the planet, my birthplace. Because he heard. He gave me peace that day. He heard my heart. I didn't want to lose my mom like this knowing that somehow he was giving me a chance. He was giving me the chance I wasn't given with Papi.
He heard. I heard. I heard that no more hurt. That the little resentment that I might have is not worth it, not to lose someone that is still a vital part of me and will hurt more when she's gone. No remorse will bring her back. I heard it.
Then, he heard the other prayer. There was more. There was another promise made on my part. One that acknowledges what utter irresponsibility I have shown time and time again. I can't speak of it. It is really quite embarassing. I can't even mention because it is quite shameful when my mother has trusted me so much. To think, that I literal could have ruined my mother's life ashames me and has really been a reason for me to always make excuses of my mother's behavior (or lack of motherly behavior). THEN, when another financial catastrophe was about to happen alongside the court date, I knew that no one other than my self was to blame for this. More karma, payback is miserable and revealing. Again, I prayed. I prayed for that day to change and I prayed for the opportunity by God to redeem myself and to allow me to do so discretely. I didn't deserve discretion however, I asked for it because knowing my disgusting ego, I would have found a way to "defend" my actions and not deserve any redemption at all. HE knew this. HE knew "let her just do right" and the rest will follow.
And again, my prayer was heard. Twice, one after the other. Somehow, I was able to get it together and on a deadline date. I really would like to even write further on that but am not ready yet. It will all come together under one bound cover. I hope. In the meantime, all I can say is how thankful I was. How thankful I am still.
How I look at my mother and think "forgive me, forgive me, forgive me."
I'm ready to start again. 2011.
--Meow Meow
