Morning Reflection. Make it Right.

I woke up in the fowlest of moods. Literally, had I been a day time vampire, I would have ravished the blood of thousands. However, I am just a meek human and therefore, I had to wind down my temper and control myself. I remember my brashness and stinging words on some of my past but recent rampades and made sure this morning's mom rant and rave did not offend.

It wasn't easy. It's scary how your children come out like you whether by osmosis, inheritance or force of nature. I get scared to see how much one of my children has that sad, depressive nature that I grew up with. The only difference is that I fought all along the way. I fought feeling that way, unsure of myself and unhappy about my surroundings and made the best of it, somehow. Whether my early school day writing, my imagination, my outdoor after school adventures, or my fascination with barbies helped me through it all. Now, I am praying and hoping that will help him. Whether his fancy is wrestling, or games or reading, ANYTHING that will help him take him away from the darkness. Because it doesn't matter if the day is sunny, the weather is gray, the darkness comes from within.

Like this morning, I didn't know why I wanted to hail a plate across the wall. I didn't know why I wanted to scream. I did know why I wanted to run but that would only serve to make matters worse. So, I stayed within my four walls. And here, he was feeling the same. Why?

Am I to blame because I show my true colors way too much to my kids. They know when I'm up. They know when I'm down. They know when my mood and my demeanor hang on the preface looking down.

And so the day started for my son and myself. The same. I sharply said without hesitation and without a tenderly bone in my bod. "Snap out of it. What happened yesterday is gone. It's spilt milk. Don't worry about it."

But, he was worried about it. He was crying about not passing a test and having had a terrible day. I said, "That's all? C'mon, it's over. Today is a new day and it's your chance to start over. Don't worry about it."

So, that sounds pretty decent but it wasn't. He needed more. He needed a hug, a comfort, a kind and tender motherly word but I couldn't do it. Not today. And Here I am thinking still about it. When I said I wouldn't be my mother, here I was wearing her shoes again.

I will make it right today. I will hug him and cuddle him when I get home. I will go out with him only today. Today, he will be my oldest and my first baby as he deserves to be.

And today, I will be the person I deserve to be. Happy. - MEOW MEOW

Something Really Knawing Me

It is there. Always. It's hiding. It wants to come out. I almost can thing back to that book that for two years, I've had such a hard time reading and following. I just picked it up and started reading it again. "Eat. Pray. Love." The writer talks about her depression and loneliness and how it haunts her like two individuals that just appear.

I am resisting a tear, a frown, an influx of feelings coming on. I don't what it is. Why it's come back? Why does it happen to me? Why?

Am I not healthy? Do I not have work? More than enough work? Children that love and adore me? Is that not enough? Why do I pain so much? Why is it so excruciatingly painful?

This battle with myself is downhill today. The minute my body crosses over the office threshold, it starts. This not right. Not sage, incense or power of positive thought can save my inner distress. I am soo distracted, confused and without direction, it hurts.

I want to feel sorry for my self. I want to be disappointed. I want to encourage my sense or lack of unaccomplishment.

The tears have halted. I feel anxiousness and some relief somehow. Yet, like the writer of that book. I know it lurks, it will still be there in a little while, tomorrow, the day after. I really don't like that. I fear.  - MEOW MEOW