Letting an Illusion Go Permanently

That can be a real load off someone's personal pysche and persona. Literally. It's almost pathetic how one can ride on the illusion of a real fanstastically unrealistic almost surreal fantasy. It becomes consuming and categorically sick. I confess. I was one of these people. And in my persona, I still dream the dream and try to make it go on and almost convince my self that this could be my future but its not.

It's reminiscent of that movie that made me tear up and cry so much that my stomach ached as much as my heart did. Had I been able to pick up the pieces of my broken heart, the collage would have come together as the semblance of a broken person or image. I didn't tear up at Vanilla Sky because of the ending but because of what I believed was the moral or my interpretation of the movie and "missed opportunities."

I'm not talking about professional, career changing or business opportunities. I'm talking about what others deem as THE ONE THAT WALKED AWAY. Mine didn't walk way. I walked away. I walked away from some one who could have been something or someone.

Notice the word "could" meaning that person wasn't, couldn't be, isn't nor ever will be what I want them to be. But, it so happened I thought if I fantasized about it enough, conjured him, and thought about him enough that I would WILL us together. The sickening and compulsive nature of this was that it became a daily addiction. I was so miserable in my present relationship I obsessed compulsively about another person and what could be that I was remiss in my immediate situation. I would make my self fall asleep thinking about the reunion or that chance meeting that would change my life and bring me back to ten or more years ago.

It never happened. When it did happen, not a chance meeting but one of a planned encounter, it was an encounter of a third kind. Literally. It was so surreal, for neither one of us did it ever meet the expectation that had been built up in our minds. Even after the encounter, this realization was shattering. Dawning.

I write about this because I think in writing the words there is more closure than actually saying or thinking them. I closed my self off to any possibility exactly a year ago. When I say a possibility, it might have been for another encounter even just for coffee but something. I realized, though, that this was not healthy. I wasn't receiving anything from the relationship - a call once awhile, some minor flirtation, a glance my way, an acknowledgement but that's it. I would never get that human warmth, companionship or support from him either as a friend or more. 

I had friends whose worth was so much more. His, was one of lacking and unconcern. The fact that I wanted more for so long was irrelevant and the fact that I want more now is. So, today, with no remorse I voiced the truth. I said things that for some odd reason I couldn't say. I had been holding back so many truths when holding back is not something I do. Yes, I do it in order not to hurt those I care and love but none of those two factors matter any more. 

And now, I finally feel a new release. I feel good. I am no longer bound by a sense of falsehood or pretense needed on my part. I don't need to protect myself because this is the here and now. My reality is one of my own and not made up of fantastical romanticism. Here, I let go of yet another part of my "secret life" there never led to anything. There was never any moment that I can say "smile because it happened" because it didn't. 

But, I realized it. It some what hurts but I'm ready to move on. That's a good thing. 

-Meow Meow

Life goals - Is this Mid-Life Crisis?

I was having a conversation with my friend Mickey about things I want to work on. I had to laugh at my self. I said, "are there other people like my self who want to do so much?" We were talking about projects and interests. I kept talking about wanting to take some art classes, some baking classes, pick up on my writing and take acting classes. For real? All of that? Is that at all possible to do all that and why?

Is it that I don't know what I want to be when I grow up? Or is it my bucket list still?

When I was younger, in high school, I was extremely talented in art, very artistic. I really enjoyed it. It was the late 80's and the future in art was so unknown. We were still learning MS Dos on computers and there was talk of graphic design as an art option. My parents weren't even really interested in me going to college; it was up to me to decide if there was anything that I wanted to pursue. Like my mom said then, "no one studies art or makes money on art until their dead." Then, came the option of something practical like business. Yes, I took classes in art in college but never followed through.

I loved to bake and even looked at culinary schools at the time. There was a school which is well known now but was so remote and far away, Rhode Island was not an option. Now, Johnson and Wales and many years later AND many culinary schools later have grown as has the whole culinary craze. Here I am still just now discovering at age 39 that milk and lemon equals buttermilk. I still can't figure out how to make my muffins fluffy without over mixing. I remember when I would say to my mom I wanted to own a bakery and bake away and she would say that I would get fat. Guess what? I don't own a bakery. I am still fat. Here I am years after pining away for my coffee bakery shop. I have had concepts like the Drawing Room (a Victorian Tea room), The Hot Spot (a wifi bakery in Peru) and Two Fat Ladies Bakery.

Then, there was my writing. I used to write those notes between friends, the kind that were ten pages long even if I saw my friends daily. Then, we got into writing short stories to each other and who could weave a windier tale than the next. Then, there was all my diary writing. In my adulthood, there was wonderful college essays that I love to reread and admire my own poignancy. Heh heh. I even got to the point of working on show treatments, concepts and patent writing. Now, I'm onto writing a play idea. Hence, the idea of taking acting classes.

...and baking classes and art classes. And can I do it? Hell yeah. I have to. I have an insatiable desire to master my interests. I have a desire to finish what I started. Does that mean completing my bucket list? Absolutely.

I made a list before I was thirty and did not complete even half of those things. Here I am a decade later and still looking for completion. Write a book. Write a play. Whatever. Do big events. Own my bakery. Bake my own concoctions. Paint. Master watercolor.

Of course, I must be the master of my own creativity. If that means that at age 40, I now become a creative business entrepreneur and artist in many ways that I have wanted to be, then allow self-evolution. It's time now to give up two decades lost in depression, self-anger, hesitation and time to let the universe take what it has claimed the day I was born.

--MEOW MEOW

Fragility of Life: Lessons Learned

Reference to yesterday's posting: I said I was not going to write about something negative or moreover, I think I decided that I would not allow negativity to dictate my thought and my life. This posting is closely related to that. I also wrote about the power of negativity but also the power that true prayer and faith brings - miracles. I also stated my case for knowing these miracles come out of one's own power of positive thought.

Lessons Learned the Last Couple of Months:

Turn Your Karma Around - you control your thoughts, your results, your future. You are the dictator of your actions.
Believe in God. Believe in whoever whatever cosmic deity that brings forth good in you and helps you resolve major obstacles that you may be putting in your way.
Don't Hold a Grudge - with no one. These are so filled of negativity. They consume you. Worst of all, don't hold a grudge with a loved one.
If you Hold a Grudge with a "friend," think of letting go - dead weight and negativity comes in all shapes and sizes and people! If you're not willing to give up a friend, then give your self space; everyone deserves their own time and space. What's meant to be is meant to be in any kind of relationship.

AND MY FAVORITE - Don't EVER EVER GIVE up. Enough said. That's the story of my life and I mean it. I still have more to give, share and create. If I leave my kids ever anything worth while besides my true Love is to not ever give up. I can't even say more on this.

This concludes the summary of yesterday because someone very dear to me is very ill, so ill, it's not sure if this person will make it. She is on oxygen and a blood transfusion and they have found several uterine tumors. She was told that she was lucky she even could walk into ER alive. I was so crushed because I love this person so. She is a my cousin. There have been times this past year I have been very upset at her and I have scolded her (lovingly) but feel this has come to this because of some of the points I addressed above. I am going to talk to her today about all of these things. I'm going to spend time with her because life is too short because she needs to be loved. She's worth giving more love to. She needs to feel she is worth receiving the love.

I have been in tears today as a result but I realize - I have my faith! I believe in second chances and this is one of those. I don't want to dwell on the negative; I want to live in the positive because I know she is here now. I am here now for her. Our family is here now for her.

I like what I'm becoming and what ultimately I need to become and have wanted to become, a kind and loving human being and example. I aspire to teach this to my kids. Yes, cynical world - I, you, me, the power of many will defy our innate cynicism and try, TRY to be positive for a change.


--MEOW MEOW

Time to Start and Why I ever Stopped

Okay, okay, so I admit I might have started for some interior motives and other some truer motives but I had to step back and think a little why I was writing. I always liked writing since I was young. I had a flair for drama or a flair for exaggeration or something the other. I have tried writing comedy, skits, short stories, marketing copy, other blogs, web content and even patents (odd). I started this blog for reasons other than the ones mentioned above. I have suffered a long time with depression ( a self fought battle meaning no medications) and feeling very low, low points of self doubt and internal beating. Hence, the genesis.

I think I mentioned Squirrel and my self wanting a vent. Say what you want when you want. Self therapy? Or just more reason to add more hurt to the pain? Are the forces of the universe really sending back the bad karma to us? Squirrel has been going through a lot. We haven't even seen each other barely. Over the holidays, we saw very little of each other. I am not going through the same as Squirrel. By far, my problems are only a grain of salt in a heap. Therefore, willingly, we have given each other a peaceful friend break. One, to reconstruct and rebuild and two, to give each other space to think. Don't get this wrong. This is break of mutual understanding, the beauty of our new found friendship ( of less than a year but the feeling of one that stems from childhood and familiarity).

I thought "all of this negativity can't be good" not for Squirrel or for myself. Me, my personal frustration with my professional pursuits and almost years of bringing projects to fruition keep meeting obstacles. Squirrel, his personal frustrations with his own failing business and health. Yet, we wanted to soak in our woes and that wasn't working. We were bitching and not doing anything about it. I had to inspire myself to write more woe. Seriously. I had run out of topics so quickly. My range of writing skill was limited to my limitations or his or those of others. Quite depressing. So depressing that I depressed myself right out of writing about it.

So, there are a couple of what I consider very life changing events that have recently happened to make me change.  Well, right not it seems I can muster one event up:

I realized that my negativity towards my mother was bringing me down. Now, that's not shattering but for me it is. I have kept an almost "you owe me" type attitude with her. I would ask my self why I couldn't be loving or more daughterly to my mother? Why didn't I care enough? Quite honestly, I couldn't even bring my self to miss her during our annual year apart. I blamed her for me not caring enough and sometimes not even loving her enough.

In the midst, we are in the middle of a very scary probate matter (which I will spell at one point but not in this post). This event has been very Scary because it has forced me to rethink my childhood, my relationship with my parents, my father's death and my mother's new unknown illnesses. All of this has come about,exactly three years. Now, my resentment is deeply rooted beyond three years and includes my thirty nine years of life however, the tension has been worse these last years. It's unfortunate but it is closely related to inheritance, being a "daughter" in my mother's eyes, being insufficient in her mind which she will not admit and my thinking she has never loved me.

BUT BUT I AM MAKING IT WORSE FOR MYSELF. I HAVE MADE IT WORSE FOR MYSELF. TALKING ABOUT IT. EDGING IT ON. BRINGING ON MY ATTITUDE. IT IS NOT ALL ABOUT ME. IT IS NOT ABOUT ME DESERVING BETTER. YES, I DESERVE BETTER BUT NOT IN THIS, NOT ANYMORE BECAUSE I HAVE CHILDREN TO MAKE THEIR LIVES BETTER. AND THIS IS MY SPRINGING POINT.

We walked in to court about a month ago and I almost fainted thinking about the dreaded fateful outcome hoping that it be positive. And it wasn't so bad. Rewind to the night before and the promise and the revelation. The Promise: Never to speak ill or so poorly of my mother so that everything would turn out okay. The Relevation: All of my mean words of my mother were coming back to haunt me emotionally and in the end, really making her sick and me. Because I mean, she's really sick and we don't even know what it is. That worries me. And all of this is making her sick. And I'm making her sick. I'm wishing this on her indirectly and it has to stop because it's a circle and its coming back to hurt her and ultimately, me, the way it happened with my Dad. AND THEN THE DAY HAPPENED. AND IT WASN"T SO BAD. And I felt better.

Relieved that God had heard. Yes, HE who sits there whomever or whatever he is. Call him Allah, Budhha, the Extra Terrestials, Angels, this Spirit listens. He hears my pain and call. He has heard it before but me, ungrateful I forget to thank, to praise the Earth, the planet, my birthplace. Because he heard. He gave me peace that day. He heard my heart. I didn't want to lose my mom like this knowing that somehow he was giving me a chance. He was giving me the chance I wasn't given with Papi.


He heard. I heard. I heard that no more hurt. That the little resentment that I might have is not worth it, not to lose someone that is still a vital part of me and will hurt more when she's gone. No remorse will bring her back. I heard it.

Then, he heard the other prayer. There was more. There was another promise made on my part. One that acknowledges what utter irresponsibility I have shown time and time again. I can't speak of it. It is really quite embarassing. I can't even mention because it is quite shameful when my mother has trusted me so much. To think, that I literal could have ruined my mother's life ashames me and has really been a reason for me to always make excuses of my mother's behavior (or lack of motherly behavior). THEN, when another financial catastrophe was about to happen alongside the court date, I knew that no one other than my self was to blame for this. More karma, payback is miserable and revealing. Again, I prayed. I prayed for that day to change and I prayed for the opportunity by God to redeem myself and to allow me to do so discretely. I didn't deserve discretion however, I asked for it because knowing my disgusting ego, I would have found a way to "defend" my actions and not deserve any redemption at all. HE knew this. HE knew "let her just do right" and the rest will follow.

And again, my prayer was heard. Twice, one after the other. Somehow, I was able to get it together and on a deadline date. I really would like to even write further on that but am not ready yet. It will all come together under one bound cover. I hope. In the meantime, all I can say is how thankful I was. How thankful I am still.

How I look at my mother and think "forgive me, forgive me, forgive me."

I'm ready to start again. 2011. 

--Meow Meow

The Checklist

I wanted Squirrel to feel what I wanted to feel - freedom. Freedom from life, from personal woes, from things that surround us, from the material things that inprison our souls, or even just a way to scream. I suggested a "cleansing" of his home where I knew mine was in desperate need of him. I think of him now because somehow I know he is awake accompanying me in a certain way. In a certain way, we have some synergy. He is cleaning out his house and I'm writing about him cleaning out his house.

I'm so proud of him because I want to do what he is doing. I am weighted down by fear, procrastination, fearing to lose time and so many other reasons. I have inertia of not wanting to do anything. I keep seeing time standing still in my house but as a day goes by, so has five, ten or more.

I'm no longer that sexy girl with that charming smile. I no longer can cause a halting stare or the admiring grin of some handsome stranger. I'm me, I'm feeling ugly and old. Grey hairs sneakingly peep out between my dyed roots, little chick feet start sprawling around my eyes and even my husband commented on my hands getting wrinkled. Where did the time go?

I want to see new and modern. I want to have money in the bank to buy my whims. I want to buy away my aging and make it new and artificial whichever way possible. I want a pseudo cure for something that is so real that ails my soul, my inner being and even those artificial material things that surround me.

I can't sleep. I didn't even make it through the zen feng shui list AT ALL:

no mirrors in the bedrooms
cover my tv, put the tv in the corner
repaint my room
get rid of clutter
clear up my door
get  a boulder for my door
get some crystal and quartz for my house
clear the linen and things underneath the beds
finish all unfinished

Ok - i cleared out my hall way and have the plants there. I made a plan for the big mirror. I have a mini crystal but it came with jagged edges. I just feel like I'm making no headway cause I need to do this. I don't need to do these things because they will actually make me feel better. I don't need to do this because my life will be better and all the bad luck will go away. Squirrel doesn't need to do this for those purposes.

I need to do this to keep my mind occupied. So does he. I need to do this because it brings some sanity to the insanity in my mind and in my life. I need to do this because cleaning is like a ritual. It becomes habitual. It occupies time; it doesn't waste it.

You do not waste under your covers. You do not wake up at noon and realize you have lost half of your day. You do not lose time.

It makes you do something. In the end, you will have completed something rather than nothing. You will ultimately feel that something means something. And a Zero is a Full Circle of Completeness. I feel if this can be completed maybe I can feel somewhat complete. My need for accomplishment now comes from this need to check off this list because all the other lists in my life are incomplete.

Hallway better. Check.
My personal health.
Cleaned the hall cabinet. Check.
Had my health checkup.
Organized my car. Check.
Did something sexy for myself.
Went through all the pending bills. Check.
 Looked for jobs.
Bought the money plant. Check.
Confessed to my husband that I am really upset at him for not working and looking for a job.
Threw away broken dishes. Check.

Need to get my life in order...

Zenning my Life

So, I'm carefully contemplating my friend's idea of just doing "one bite at a time." This is something I really have to take to heart. I overwhelm my self with so much that I don't know how to start or how to finish. I do this in everything in life from personal, work, kids and personal projects. I'm constantly overbooked with task lists for everything.

I started thinking my own personal sanity was most important. So, to start personally, I needed to "clean" my house out. Now, this is about purging, changing, giving up. I am a confirmed and seriously addictive Pack rat where I hoard everything down to a $1 receipt to an unused dental floss, years old hotel soap and lotion to unusable furniture. I love thrift ends, recyclables and freebies even if I don't need them.

My out with the old and in with the new starts now. This includes everything from shoes, clothing, home decor, kitchen items, broken dishes and more. Now, in a house that holds items that belonged to my parents, things my mother still wants to hold on to and closets of unknowns this is a hard feat to do.


I've started religously and almost fanatically reading a Feng Shui workbook. I am totally and utterly fascinated by it. The most fascinating thing is the shared superstitions (if you will) since I mean no offense to any one who knows the logic and science of feng shui. It has such resemblance to many Latin American superstitions that I am applying anything and everything that feels right to my redecorating and purge of my home and personal life. One striking thing that the book says is to not be afraid to incorporate other cultures' traditions or beliefs especially if they feel right. I didn't really need it to say that but it helped since I felt I am definitely not a "feng shui" expert nor do I think I could lead a straight path doing so or will stray soon often as well.

But at least I'll try.

I'll try to use get my 3 elephants together facing where (?), my aloe plant to suck out the negative energies, get rue back in the garden, take a couple of rue baths, purchase my money plant, find my kua numbers and make sure that poison arrow blocking my energies is removed from the house. It's fascinating. Really. I think about all of the traditions from Latin America and how there is a saying that you shouldn't really believe but your shouldn't not believe.

I do believe in energies and bad spirits and not-so-good thoughts creeping into homes. Some people naturally carry these ills and some purposely "wish" their ills on to others. I am just the opposite, I have never wished ill on anyone, their family or their belongings. I believe that what is mine, is mine and have never really coveted others well being or things. However, this is not the case of many people or so these superstitions are born of or based of.

And our family has long believed that the "evil eye" is out there. Peruvian tradition uses huayruros as a way to ward off the evil eye where the wearing of these seeds can ward of less than nice thoughts to one's persona; or even the use of an almost massage of an egg over your body can tell if you have gotten the evil eye. I make mention of this because my "luck" has just been null. Lack of luck has been what has been determining my fate these days.

Hence, this zenning and purging to see if just my "Luck" and my general disposition can shift and change. Ok so what if you think this is voodoo schmoodoo, the point is I might just feel better. Isn't that what religion is made of as well? Some norms or things to do to feel better? So what if these are baseless theories I'm trying to do?

I am going to do
no mirrors in the bedrooms
cover my tv, put the tv in the corner
repaint my room
get rid of clutter
clear up my door
get  a boulder for my door
get some crystal and quartz for my house
clear the linen and things underneath the beds
finish all unfinished

and on and on and on and on.

Perfect day to get some spring cleaning or a new life on.

What's Love Got To Do With It?

I am like a Squirrel. I am up early at the crack of dawn scurrying around getting my things done for the day. I'm that solitary squirrel thinking what's the next step in my series of things to do. I find some peace and happiness like those squirrels collecting their nuts. I enjoy my day exploring my senses as the squirrels watching the season change before my eyes. There are rays of golden colors and hues that come through the window and form a prism of fall sensuous colors. And just as I observe the beauty of this, there's  a couple of love birds outside.

It was my neighbors embraced cognizant of only their spirits, holding and caressing each other probably to bid "good morning, farewell, have a good a day, my love " or some other tender thought. I became a squirrel in a tree, frozen, listening, observing. I watched almost in awe and wonder at such an expression of love in the morning. I realized my snooping in on this couple's obviously intimate moment was a more apparent deficiency in myself. I had a longing as I watched. I wondered, "is this what love is about?"

Will I ever have a moment of tender like this? Not one that I have shared with family or friends. I wanted a different type of openness. This was an openness of flagrant morning sensuality that brings just a small grin to your lips and wanting to your soul. Or is it a longing in the heart? Will I ever have a chance to hug, caress, feel that warmth, have an intimate moment or share a hidden a smile like the ones of my neighbors doing so now?

They continued giggling, embracing, sharing passionate kisses almost not worrying where they had to get to. Whether a train or bus was missed, whether the time card was punched late and morning work fell behind, this was not among their worries. She stared at him coquetishly, her long black curly hair wisping in the morning fall wind and he stared back grinning embracing her into his large black overcoat as if to make sure she didn't escape keeping her warm and close to him. I wanted to interrupt this realm of surreality to me. "Don't you have something to do? Aren't you going to be late?" That was better than thinking of what I was missing.


Maybe I wasn't like that squirrel. Maybe the solitude is not what I want. I may be lonely but I'm not alone. I want to experience a different type of open love but yet so intimate that no one or thing can interrupt a moment. I want to feel what these two enamored beautiful people are feeling. They are beautiful because they must be experiencing some awesome beauty that holds them together in such an intense and enduring gaze. It holds me as well. I am almost ashamed to be watching them and ashamed to be wanting the same. I almost hate to turn around and miss this wonderous moment of bliss. I feel a buzz; it's like soft zenful music that sings to me. I walk away wondering " will I always be looking from behind" instead of being part of the picture?

I turn, time to collect the nuts. - SQUIRREL



A movie that makes you think about "missed opportunities."