Helllloooo...more Realizations?

A dawning? Or something I already knew.

Time really makes such a difference in any relation. A separation either makes you miss a person or not. That person could mean the world to you but all of a sudden, out of sight, out of mind. This is probably one of the sad ugly truths about my persona. Some of the people I have loved the most I have treated or felt this way. Is that a Libra trait or is that just genetic?

Anyhow, I thought today a little bit when I was around people I hadn't been with in awhile and how with just a couple of months incomunnicado, we had grown apart. Now, did I feel bad about this? No, not really. Instead of wanting to share all of my recent triumphs (personally and professionally) I felt it especially important to keep these close to me. I observed and felt that even had I wanted to share what I deem as  important or exciting, I wouldn't have gotten the chance to share it. One of the main reasons that I chose to separate from one or two people in my life was that although, yes, it's important to also help, support, and listen to your friends; there were times that I felt these people were consuming me. I felt that their problems and anecdotes were always more important than mine. I was tired of one sided conversations hence the break or time off from each other was good.

So, sitting and observing, the word discretion came in my mind. Discretion may not be that important for me since lately I'm back to writing about my self and rediscovering my self in so many ways and all of this is about revelation. However, I think now more than ever I will be very careful. I think for too many years I have been so open about my personal problems, complaining and my pursuits. My intentions were to seek support, advice and for any ever taken (advice or support), I now realize the "support" or lack of has not always been sincere.

I had visions tonight of people who had always doubted me for whatever reason I don't know why. I have had negativity towards my marriage, my husband, my choices, my professional life, my aspirations. I even have so severely doubted my self. I have in even answering questions about these things have second guessed the answers not sure of my self. These past months, I have totally immersed my self in my passions and what I know I'm good and probably one of the best at. I also have thought to give my self a chance in several areas where I have excelled, enjoyed doing so and have wanted to circle back. Realizing God gave me gifts, I haven't used, I've been trying to do so in so many ways.

So, I have these really awesome personal victories but some how, I don't want to share them. I want them close at hand because they are too precious to be destroyed or even remotely criticized. I realize that what some call "constructive criticism" is really cynical criticism and someone's else's own self doubt. My self doubt has always stemmed from someone's else's self doubt and unwillingness to take a risk. Sure, I was asked tonight about what I'm up to but I kept it brief, to the point and shared very little. I could feel a "feeling" with just a look and the looks weren't of joy or amazement or even interest. I knew that small talk was where I would keep the conversation at. I also didn't think that revealing more would destroy my plans however no one is going to destroy me deep down internally whether it is unintentional, "well meaning" or subconscious.

I even had another conversation with someone who I have held in great esteem for a long time. When I shared my plans to take an art class. He asked why. I said that I had always loved art. He said to me that he didn't think I would and asked me if I even was good at? I said I was and he still asked "really" as if to say "I doubt it." I explained that studying fine art was my first choice  when choosing a life career after high school but did not pursue it. I was quite surprised to hear that this person did not think I was artistic at all. Where have you been the last ten years of my life dude? Where have all of my friends and family been that have doubted me? 

I have been underestimated far too long. I know it might sound vain but I will dare to say that I am that diamond in the rough. I am some one who has and is constantly trying harder. Yet, I feel that even some of my most immediate family and friends have been the people who have least supported me. I remember one time, years ago, not to point a finger but to cite an example...my husband said " don't tell me what you're going to do, just do it." To be fair, I was far too involved in too many pies (as always) but at that time, we (him and I) were having problems. He, now, I must admit is one of the most supportive people I know. I can count on him to tell him something I want to do and he tells me "do it, you can do it. If anyone can, I know you can. You are so talented." And he means it. Had it been years ago when the earlier comment was made, I would have thought he had such little faith in me. He has grown with me in so many ways. While, others have just grown apart.

So, I've learned the value of discretion. Even with my husband, for many years after that comment I made sure unfinished projects were never to be mentioned and new ones either. I kept many of my ideas quiet even from him because self doubt would creep in and I would give up. I gave up on many things not just because of him because of other people as well. I would get asked "why are you doing that? Do you really think you can do that? What are you going to? How are you going to do that?" Then, a thousand reasons why I couldn't do what I would set out to do.

Then,  I thought "WTF?" Why not? I fucking can do whatever I set my fucking my mind to? No one or one thing controls what I can or can't do. So what if I've failed on so many things? So what if I didn't get that show or my company failed or that patent? At least I fucking tried. There are so many people that don't try anything at all. They just don't try. They don't want to take the risk. They're scared of losing or what others can say of how they'll look. I'm not. It doesn't bother me. I definitely would rather die trying.

I have so many dreams still at 40. The ones that I had and didn't happen and maybe, I told my self to let them go. I will let those go. Those that I want to pick up again, I will do them. There is no limit. We set our own boundaries and that's what limits us. This is why I decided that I couldn't give up on my dreams and I had to keep going and keep trying.

So my accomplishments are now shared with few and privileged. I'm actually privileged that they will allow me to share with them what I'm striving to do. I'm happy that I have developed yet another circle of very good friends whom we have shared some very important and life changing moments together. These are people that believe in me and I believe in them. I also have had some phenomenal and giving people not only give me their friendship, some have shared their talents and time to help my succeed all very selflessly. Amazingly, God is hand picking these people and we gravitate to each other. There is an almost cosmic energy and synergy that we share. It is beyond profound and gratifying. Discretion is not a term that I elect to use with my now chosen few.

I caution to still use discretion with anyone who can look at you and with one look tear you down. Cynicism lies deep in many people's hearts; they tell themselves and the mirror frequently that they are good people but they only to so because their conscience knows different.