Pick up the Phone. Communicate.

Or at least return the call! Communicate! Either someone really wants to talk to you,tell you something, get something from you but just do it. Or send an email. Or send a frigging text. Write a blog. Ping me. Put something on my Facebook wall. Jeez, there's no excuse when communicating is what we overdo so much now.

I'm thinking about this both on a personal and professional level. My own husband doesn't pick up the phone until it's convenient (probably he's afraid of hearing me nag). My son doesn't ever has his phone on. I, on the other hand, lose my phone, put down the volume too low and don't hear it, don't know how to use it or am always on another call. But, I always call back, text or email. If you don't hear from me, I'm usually pissed off at someone or something or tired of someone or something. Then, there's work - this is the ticker. How do people run businesses? How effective are they if they are not communicating?

Mind you, I work in an office by myself. I have the discretion and leisure to do calls whenever I please. I can send emails or text. There is nothing holding me back. I have a computer, phone, desk phone, etc etc. My choices to answer some mode of communication are optimum. Half of the world is online now or online via their phone. You at least expect an answer quickly from people who are dependent on these methods and have easy access. Even those that are not have their own cell phone and call.

This makes me the worst Type A personality since I live off all of the above between my phone, computer and Internet, I can survive. I hit send and receive on my email constantly, I refresh my pages and I am checking my phone constantly. While Blackberry got coined the crackberry and I used to be hooked on that. My Iphone has become my crackphone literally. My husband hates it. I am on it constantly hitting refresh. I even check it when I'm half asleep in the night to see if there is something pressing at 2:16am. 

So, this is point. If you work with some people on a project, why can't you communicate? Why is it that I have to be the one to reach out and see what the status is on something. Hello? You have a Blackberry! Hello, you have an Iphone!! Jeez. Every week it's the same old story. Just COMMUNICATE. I'm sitting here waiting.

Teetering On the Verge

I don't want to make this about my feeling down or grumpy or complaining. It did start that way. Now, its more like a "Me" diary which might include a complaint or two. The truth is I am a person who is on the verge of a continual nervous breakdown. I never quite fully have the breakdown for some reason. I usually just brush off my knees and start over again; sometimes something artificial or medicinal gives me a push. Rarely, is it the latter.

For a brief stint after giving birth I was put on some post-partum blues' stuff and then, later some other depression med. I can't even cite the name because I have been a firm believer that all of that stuff numbs you and doesn't help things become any clearer. I might be wrong but I have never felt any better taking medicine. I have never wanted to feel like I was hooked or dependent on anything.

However, I seem to be hooked on feeling down and I hate it. I wake up. It's just there.

Hello? You're here again?Who invited you? 

I thought I was okay. I thought I didn't need you. You make me question my self, doubt my self, wonder why I feel the way I do. I'm upset. I'm feeling edgy. Noise and useless questions bother me. I hate my job. I want to crawl back into my bed. It doesn't matter how much I want to erase the past and reinvent my self. I, me, id, comes out again. It crawls out of me some semblance of melancholy black wilted roses and the stench of unhappiness. It's icky and it disturbs me. I ache for normality.

I wonder how do people like me have children? How do we jump from type A to type B? I hate teetering and tottering from absolute bliss and hope to dark seeking obscurity.

Yesterday, I woke up wanted to just burst in tears. I thought, "it must be tomorrow I have to go back to work." I dreaded go to work. It took me 2 hours to go to work. I still got my coffee and leisurely walked in. I was so unhappy there. Then, I was anxious to rush home only four hours later. I got home and all I wanted to do was go to my bed. Avoid everyone at all cost including kids. My depressive "hangover" could not hear noise or joy over children jumping, playing or happy to be near me. I retreated to my room to seek solace in my privacy. Soon after my children were there. I could not have been any angrier having bursts of sheer maddening anger, yelling while finally begging and pleading for peace and quiet. Solitude was too much to ask when all my poor children ever do is hang on my every word even when Hyde appears.

This bothers me so. It disturbs me to wake up this way to feel this way. This anxiousness is unnerving. I don't like feeling that I can't control my emotions. The noise and the kids' carelessness is an area I can't seem to harness. I pray for peace and to want be part of the pack again, regain my creativity and create. Fortunately, I teeter more than I totter but tiring of being always on that precipice which is really scary at times.

Regular Rant on Losing Deadweight AKA Useless Friends

I've been saying this, thinking this and preaching this. I've been learning this process for years. For some reasons, people either adopt me or I adopt them to be my new friends. This still is very selective on my part and not as random as you might think. The guy that sleeps on my office stairs would not be my friend, not because he's homeless but more so because we haven't engaged in a conversation nor do I know if we hold anything in  common. A person might engage in a conversation with me and I find value in it and want to continue future conversations or interactions with. This has happened quite a lot to me since I was a young adult. Some have turned in to friendships and some to very dangerous almost "single white female"-like relationships (if they could even be deemed part of that latter word).

Through that process, I have learned to let go of relationships sometimes feeling great regret and other times not feeling anything at all. I think my true nature despite all of my sensitivity is quite callous. Although maybe not? If a "friend" is not a friend then there is no loss. If this person has brought more turmoil, negativity and needless waste of time, why keep them on? I really believe if a person brings no value to you then why surround your own being around them? Value is the perfect way of measuring friendship. It means some kind of worth - whether the value you hold in the friendship is more intrinsic or materialistic, there is a value to it. I asked a friend "what value did someone else have to her?" She sort of said that it wasn't about value but that she actually liked that person; well, then, there was a value to it.

A person who brings a smile to your face or makes you laugh or keeps you company when you go shopping or hits you up once in awhile just for enlightened conversation, those all hold some type of self worth to them. Now, a friend who has the personality of a wet mop does not seem to hold any value to hold on to. Sure, they may be nice people but characteristically, there is nothing else there for one to be friends with. Do you identify with that person? Do they have some common interests or some amazing talent? Then, why hold on to a "friend" who has no personality?

Sample in point. I was just called a wet mop. In a series of two days, in a conversation with the same "friend," not only was I considered to be clumsy, non-artistic, the next day I was nabbed with being considered to have the personality of a wet mop, told that I spoke "bazofia" (Spanish for rubbish or garbage) and that they had always thought of me as doing mamarrachos (Spanish for messes). All of these in my opinion could be no worse than being told by my mother that I was a mistake to have. I was told by this same friend that I spoke rubbish or garbage and that everything that I had ever done was garbage. I sought out my husband for support and asked him "do you think I'm talented and do you think I am actually doing something?" He was so kind and I really think he said it because he believes it, not because he knows me so long or because I'm his wife. He categorically said that I was extremely talented amazing him constantly and I smiled. I smile even to think this because it feels so nice to hear that, to feel it and to actually believe it. Deep inside I've known this since a young age but never believed in my self. I might not have believed because of lack of self esteem or self worth but a big issue had to do with worrying what others thought of me. I was always a little concerned about some crazy idea of mine - how someone would take it or criticize it or me. This is what this "foe" thought about me. This was not a person I should trust, like or know any more. Furthermore, decidedly this person for whatever reason did not know or like me anymore.

I realized I didn't like this person either. When I pointed out that these words were hurtful, I was further surprised as to why this person was upset that they hadn't been more hypocritical with me. I needed to be thankful that I was told this. I was done the favor of being told that I was a bore. I asked why had they kept me on as an "esteemed" friend for so long; I was told that was irrelevant that I was still well liked and "loved." I say this with a bit or sarcasm and a frown on my face because I'm not sure how I can react to this. Yet, it was all useful helping me acknowledge the my very same feelings towards this person. I didn't like him any more. There was nothing tying me to converse, share or trust with him. He had become almost non-important serving only for some idle chatter on IM once in awhile and occasional hello on the phone every quarter.

I couldn't remember a card, a gift or even something of materialistic value that I had gotten from him. Then, there's the intrinsic emotional or platonic values that were also lacking. It only made it easier to let go. Yes, he was a prick for what he said but it served a point to say "goodbye" once in for all. Do I wish him well? No. I know that doesn't seem very Christian like of me but Who gives a fuck? Seriously. I was so disturbed by his proclamation that my retorts were like "you're trash. you're a loser. you're a piece shit." I couldn't be half as clever as he was hiding behind his words for his apparent and yet-not-so-apparent disdain of me for the last thirteen years!!!

Thank you. I have cut the chains of pointless acquaintance with idle banter. Had I done this years ago when I knew this deep in my heart, I might have made leaps and bounds in one other or more worthwhile friendships. I would have cultivated maybe a lost friendship or made a current one more fruitful. I wouldn't have continued sharing my rubbish or mindless notions and uninteresting and tiresome persona. For years, I had thought I was throwing away my pearls to someone who didn't deserve them. Indeed. While I was told they would not "cave in" to apologizing for what they said. I don't need them to because I will not cave in anymore. I have learned this, I think, for the very last time in my forty young years.



"Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)"

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

-Green Day

ReDiscovering One's Self

I went to my art class today. Wow, I looked at my old sketches and they dated back to 91, almost 20 yrs. Here I am walking back to class. I excitedly bought my supplies and then walked six blocks through the crisp bitter winter air. The class was made up of all ages. I was disappointed that and hour and a half was dedicated to tips, how to's and what-not-to-do and the last half hour was spent drawing circles. I knew that going back to art was to start and back to basics. I knew that I needed to start over since my hand would tremble every time I would get a pencil or any drawing tool in my hand. So, the class was necessary.

Although I wasn't too fond of listening the teacher speak for so long, I held steadfast to the hope of drawing soon. It was hard to even keep my eyes awake. As the teacher spoke, I did have an interesting reflection. My mind was distracted to the suggestions of the vine charcoal pencils versus compressed, whether the bendable eraser was preferable to the regular hard white one and so forth. I thought so this is to think about something other than writing a package, or figuring how to get the next event up and running, or the next proposal to write. I actually had a mental respite from reading and writing for the demands of work, not even for my own writing pleasure. My mind was not thinking about a deadline or who I had to write next or what kind of chart I needed to create. I was actually blank when the teacher's voice would fade away and all I could think of was picking up that medium and doing something on the paper. I was anxious to get started but my mind was at rest. I felt at peace. Then, I remembered that was the whole purpose of this class was to take my mind away, open my creativity and to go back to things or hobbies I had once enjoyed.

Our assignment for the next week is to continue drawing circles something to the effect that Michaelangelo said an artist had to be able to draw a perfect circle. So, I walked back to my car contemplating a week's worth of drawing circles. I still felt elated and happy just walking down the street by myself carrying my sketch book. As people walked by me, I thought "do they think I'm an artist?" How grand would that be! Even grander was my delight to finally finally have done something that I had wanted to do for so long. I couldn't believe I had just done it. I tore down the wall of doubt and excuses that I have built around my self for long.

I'm reading a book called "The Artist's Way,' a self help book about rediscovering one's creativity. I don't know if this is the year of my rediscovery - reading, writing, doing things I enjoy more...is this a culmination of hidden talents that had just scratched the surface and were just bursting to emerge?  It is gratifying to be able to evolve more, to at least try to dig deeper of who I am and what I have been wanted to be for so long. Two decades and three children afterward, I am seeking realization. I am seeking more but for real this time; I'm not just thinking about doing something. I am really doing it. I'm doing things. Whether they lead to something new, it doesn't matter. I did. I made a full circle. I'm going back to where I started. And so the pursuit to make a perfect circle begins.

Reading List

Who cares what I have on my reading list? Well, I have it on here because maybe by listing, I will really work through these books and learn from them.

The Tipping Point suggested by A Goddess
The Four Agreements suggest by my fellow Libra and beknowest to her, she is another Goddess (this also was on my bf's list yrs ago and I ignored)
The Artists Way suggested by a god and pure chef

I have about four more books from the library so let's see if I can make it through these somehow.

Helllloooo...more Realizations?

A dawning? Or something I already knew.

Time really makes such a difference in any relation. A separation either makes you miss a person or not. That person could mean the world to you but all of a sudden, out of sight, out of mind. This is probably one of the sad ugly truths about my persona. Some of the people I have loved the most I have treated or felt this way. Is that a Libra trait or is that just genetic?

Anyhow, I thought today a little bit when I was around people I hadn't been with in awhile and how with just a couple of months incomunnicado, we had grown apart. Now, did I feel bad about this? No, not really. Instead of wanting to share all of my recent triumphs (personally and professionally) I felt it especially important to keep these close to me. I observed and felt that even had I wanted to share what I deem as  important or exciting, I wouldn't have gotten the chance to share it. One of the main reasons that I chose to separate from one or two people in my life was that although, yes, it's important to also help, support, and listen to your friends; there were times that I felt these people were consuming me. I felt that their problems and anecdotes were always more important than mine. I was tired of one sided conversations hence the break or time off from each other was good.

So, sitting and observing, the word discretion came in my mind. Discretion may not be that important for me since lately I'm back to writing about my self and rediscovering my self in so many ways and all of this is about revelation. However, I think now more than ever I will be very careful. I think for too many years I have been so open about my personal problems, complaining and my pursuits. My intentions were to seek support, advice and for any ever taken (advice or support), I now realize the "support" or lack of has not always been sincere.

I had visions tonight of people who had always doubted me for whatever reason I don't know why. I have had negativity towards my marriage, my husband, my choices, my professional life, my aspirations. I even have so severely doubted my self. I have in even answering questions about these things have second guessed the answers not sure of my self. These past months, I have totally immersed my self in my passions and what I know I'm good and probably one of the best at. I also have thought to give my self a chance in several areas where I have excelled, enjoyed doing so and have wanted to circle back. Realizing God gave me gifts, I haven't used, I've been trying to do so in so many ways.

So, I have these really awesome personal victories but some how, I don't want to share them. I want them close at hand because they are too precious to be destroyed or even remotely criticized. I realize that what some call "constructive criticism" is really cynical criticism and someone's else's own self doubt. My self doubt has always stemmed from someone's else's self doubt and unwillingness to take a risk. Sure, I was asked tonight about what I'm up to but I kept it brief, to the point and shared very little. I could feel a "feeling" with just a look and the looks weren't of joy or amazement or even interest. I knew that small talk was where I would keep the conversation at. I also didn't think that revealing more would destroy my plans however no one is going to destroy me deep down internally whether it is unintentional, "well meaning" or subconscious.

I even had another conversation with someone who I have held in great esteem for a long time. When I shared my plans to take an art class. He asked why. I said that I had always loved art. He said to me that he didn't think I would and asked me if I even was good at? I said I was and he still asked "really" as if to say "I doubt it." I explained that studying fine art was my first choice  when choosing a life career after high school but did not pursue it. I was quite surprised to hear that this person did not think I was artistic at all. Where have you been the last ten years of my life dude? Where have all of my friends and family been that have doubted me? 

I have been underestimated far too long. I know it might sound vain but I will dare to say that I am that diamond in the rough. I am some one who has and is constantly trying harder. Yet, I feel that even some of my most immediate family and friends have been the people who have least supported me. I remember one time, years ago, not to point a finger but to cite an example...my husband said " don't tell me what you're going to do, just do it." To be fair, I was far too involved in too many pies (as always) but at that time, we (him and I) were having problems. He, now, I must admit is one of the most supportive people I know. I can count on him to tell him something I want to do and he tells me "do it, you can do it. If anyone can, I know you can. You are so talented." And he means it. Had it been years ago when the earlier comment was made, I would have thought he had such little faith in me. He has grown with me in so many ways. While, others have just grown apart.

So, I've learned the value of discretion. Even with my husband, for many years after that comment I made sure unfinished projects were never to be mentioned and new ones either. I kept many of my ideas quiet even from him because self doubt would creep in and I would give up. I gave up on many things not just because of him because of other people as well. I would get asked "why are you doing that? Do you really think you can do that? What are you going to? How are you going to do that?" Then, a thousand reasons why I couldn't do what I would set out to do.

Then,  I thought "WTF?" Why not? I fucking can do whatever I set my fucking my mind to? No one or one thing controls what I can or can't do. So what if I've failed on so many things? So what if I didn't get that show or my company failed or that patent? At least I fucking tried. There are so many people that don't try anything at all. They just don't try. They don't want to take the risk. They're scared of losing or what others can say of how they'll look. I'm not. It doesn't bother me. I definitely would rather die trying.

I have so many dreams still at 40. The ones that I had and didn't happen and maybe, I told my self to let them go. I will let those go. Those that I want to pick up again, I will do them. There is no limit. We set our own boundaries and that's what limits us. This is why I decided that I couldn't give up on my dreams and I had to keep going and keep trying.

So my accomplishments are now shared with few and privileged. I'm actually privileged that they will allow me to share with them what I'm striving to do. I'm happy that I have developed yet another circle of very good friends whom we have shared some very important and life changing moments together. These are people that believe in me and I believe in them. I also have had some phenomenal and giving people not only give me their friendship, some have shared their talents and time to help my succeed all very selflessly. Amazingly, God is hand picking these people and we gravitate to each other. There is an almost cosmic energy and synergy that we share. It is beyond profound and gratifying. Discretion is not a term that I elect to use with my now chosen few.

I caution to still use discretion with anyone who can look at you and with one look tear you down. Cynicism lies deep in many people's hearts; they tell themselves and the mirror frequently that they are good people but they only to so because their conscience knows different.

Baby, It's Cold Outside

Almost every morning I snuggle with my four year old. I think every morning when she caresses my arm for warmth and as she sinks further into my arms and lap what a treasured moment that is. I normally don't care if she or I get to school or work late. It's all about her and I sharing a moment together. Did I ever have a moment like that when I was younger? I almost have to constantly remind my self to write down those moments with her. I have two others and my memory already fails me of those treasured moments, those first times and those little creeped up smiles coming from the corner of my mouth. I hate, absolutely hate that I've forgotten what it was like to snuggle with my other two. Here, I try to, almost hold on to those bliss moments as much as I can.

Do other parents pain as much as I do every morning I send my four year old to school? Why do I have to do this? Why do I have to send her off to brave the cold, spend time with other borrowed people and kids and learn something? All things she could be doing with me? Why do we have to go through this rite with our children? Who said children had to leave their homes in such early ages to learn?

When, in my lifetime did I have the opportunity and just enjoy my children and my child without having to make them be part of these schedules?

I don't feel like other parents feel the way I do. I would much rather keep her home and let her enjoy her comfort level and her safety net. But, I can't. And so we sit, together, in silence. I hope something better for her. I pray for something better for her. In the meantime, treasure. Remember. Embrace.

Letting an Illusion Go Permanently

That can be a real load off someone's personal pysche and persona. Literally. It's almost pathetic how one can ride on the illusion of a real fanstastically unrealistic almost surreal fantasy. It becomes consuming and categorically sick. I confess. I was one of these people. And in my persona, I still dream the dream and try to make it go on and almost convince my self that this could be my future but its not.

It's reminiscent of that movie that made me tear up and cry so much that my stomach ached as much as my heart did. Had I been able to pick up the pieces of my broken heart, the collage would have come together as the semblance of a broken person or image. I didn't tear up at Vanilla Sky because of the ending but because of what I believed was the moral or my interpretation of the movie and "missed opportunities."

I'm not talking about professional, career changing or business opportunities. I'm talking about what others deem as THE ONE THAT WALKED AWAY. Mine didn't walk way. I walked away. I walked away from some one who could have been something or someone.

Notice the word "could" meaning that person wasn't, couldn't be, isn't nor ever will be what I want them to be. But, it so happened I thought if I fantasized about it enough, conjured him, and thought about him enough that I would WILL us together. The sickening and compulsive nature of this was that it became a daily addiction. I was so miserable in my present relationship I obsessed compulsively about another person and what could be that I was remiss in my immediate situation. I would make my self fall asleep thinking about the reunion or that chance meeting that would change my life and bring me back to ten or more years ago.

It never happened. When it did happen, not a chance meeting but one of a planned encounter, it was an encounter of a third kind. Literally. It was so surreal, for neither one of us did it ever meet the expectation that had been built up in our minds. Even after the encounter, this realization was shattering. Dawning.

I write about this because I think in writing the words there is more closure than actually saying or thinking them. I closed my self off to any possibility exactly a year ago. When I say a possibility, it might have been for another encounter even just for coffee but something. I realized, though, that this was not healthy. I wasn't receiving anything from the relationship - a call once awhile, some minor flirtation, a glance my way, an acknowledgement but that's it. I would never get that human warmth, companionship or support from him either as a friend or more. 

I had friends whose worth was so much more. His, was one of lacking and unconcern. The fact that I wanted more for so long was irrelevant and the fact that I want more now is. So, today, with no remorse I voiced the truth. I said things that for some odd reason I couldn't say. I had been holding back so many truths when holding back is not something I do. Yes, I do it in order not to hurt those I care and love but none of those two factors matter any more. 

And now, I finally feel a new release. I feel good. I am no longer bound by a sense of falsehood or pretense needed on my part. I don't need to protect myself because this is the here and now. My reality is one of my own and not made up of fantastical romanticism. Here, I let go of yet another part of my "secret life" there never led to anything. There was never any moment that I can say "smile because it happened" because it didn't. 

But, I realized it. It some what hurts but I'm ready to move on. That's a good thing. 

-Meow Meow

Life goals - Is this Mid-Life Crisis?

I was having a conversation with my friend Mickey about things I want to work on. I had to laugh at my self. I said, "are there other people like my self who want to do so much?" We were talking about projects and interests. I kept talking about wanting to take some art classes, some baking classes, pick up on my writing and take acting classes. For real? All of that? Is that at all possible to do all that and why?

Is it that I don't know what I want to be when I grow up? Or is it my bucket list still?

When I was younger, in high school, I was extremely talented in art, very artistic. I really enjoyed it. It was the late 80's and the future in art was so unknown. We were still learning MS Dos on computers and there was talk of graphic design as an art option. My parents weren't even really interested in me going to college; it was up to me to decide if there was anything that I wanted to pursue. Like my mom said then, "no one studies art or makes money on art until their dead." Then, came the option of something practical like business. Yes, I took classes in art in college but never followed through.

I loved to bake and even looked at culinary schools at the time. There was a school which is well known now but was so remote and far away, Rhode Island was not an option. Now, Johnson and Wales and many years later AND many culinary schools later have grown as has the whole culinary craze. Here I am still just now discovering at age 39 that milk and lemon equals buttermilk. I still can't figure out how to make my muffins fluffy without over mixing. I remember when I would say to my mom I wanted to own a bakery and bake away and she would say that I would get fat. Guess what? I don't own a bakery. I am still fat. Here I am years after pining away for my coffee bakery shop. I have had concepts like the Drawing Room (a Victorian Tea room), The Hot Spot (a wifi bakery in Peru) and Two Fat Ladies Bakery.

Then, there was my writing. I used to write those notes between friends, the kind that were ten pages long even if I saw my friends daily. Then, we got into writing short stories to each other and who could weave a windier tale than the next. Then, there was all my diary writing. In my adulthood, there was wonderful college essays that I love to reread and admire my own poignancy. Heh heh. I even got to the point of working on show treatments, concepts and patent writing. Now, I'm onto writing a play idea. Hence, the idea of taking acting classes.

...and baking classes and art classes. And can I do it? Hell yeah. I have to. I have an insatiable desire to master my interests. I have a desire to finish what I started. Does that mean completing my bucket list? Absolutely.

I made a list before I was thirty and did not complete even half of those things. Here I am a decade later and still looking for completion. Write a book. Write a play. Whatever. Do big events. Own my bakery. Bake my own concoctions. Paint. Master watercolor.

Of course, I must be the master of my own creativity. If that means that at age 40, I now become a creative business entrepreneur and artist in many ways that I have wanted to be, then allow self-evolution. It's time now to give up two decades lost in depression, self-anger, hesitation and time to let the universe take what it has claimed the day I was born.

--MEOW MEOW

Fragility of Life: Lessons Learned

Reference to yesterday's posting: I said I was not going to write about something negative or moreover, I think I decided that I would not allow negativity to dictate my thought and my life. This posting is closely related to that. I also wrote about the power of negativity but also the power that true prayer and faith brings - miracles. I also stated my case for knowing these miracles come out of one's own power of positive thought.

Lessons Learned the Last Couple of Months:

Turn Your Karma Around - you control your thoughts, your results, your future. You are the dictator of your actions.
Believe in God. Believe in whoever whatever cosmic deity that brings forth good in you and helps you resolve major obstacles that you may be putting in your way.
Don't Hold a Grudge - with no one. These are so filled of negativity. They consume you. Worst of all, don't hold a grudge with a loved one.
If you Hold a Grudge with a "friend," think of letting go - dead weight and negativity comes in all shapes and sizes and people! If you're not willing to give up a friend, then give your self space; everyone deserves their own time and space. What's meant to be is meant to be in any kind of relationship.

AND MY FAVORITE - Don't EVER EVER GIVE up. Enough said. That's the story of my life and I mean it. I still have more to give, share and create. If I leave my kids ever anything worth while besides my true Love is to not ever give up. I can't even say more on this.

This concludes the summary of yesterday because someone very dear to me is very ill, so ill, it's not sure if this person will make it. She is on oxygen and a blood transfusion and they have found several uterine tumors. She was told that she was lucky she even could walk into ER alive. I was so crushed because I love this person so. She is a my cousin. There have been times this past year I have been very upset at her and I have scolded her (lovingly) but feel this has come to this because of some of the points I addressed above. I am going to talk to her today about all of these things. I'm going to spend time with her because life is too short because she needs to be loved. She's worth giving more love to. She needs to feel she is worth receiving the love.

I have been in tears today as a result but I realize - I have my faith! I believe in second chances and this is one of those. I don't want to dwell on the negative; I want to live in the positive because I know she is here now. I am here now for her. Our family is here now for her.

I like what I'm becoming and what ultimately I need to become and have wanted to become, a kind and loving human being and example. I aspire to teach this to my kids. Yes, cynical world - I, you, me, the power of many will defy our innate cynicism and try, TRY to be positive for a change.


--MEOW MEOW

Time to Start and Why I ever Stopped

Okay, okay, so I admit I might have started for some interior motives and other some truer motives but I had to step back and think a little why I was writing. I always liked writing since I was young. I had a flair for drama or a flair for exaggeration or something the other. I have tried writing comedy, skits, short stories, marketing copy, other blogs, web content and even patents (odd). I started this blog for reasons other than the ones mentioned above. I have suffered a long time with depression ( a self fought battle meaning no medications) and feeling very low, low points of self doubt and internal beating. Hence, the genesis.

I think I mentioned Squirrel and my self wanting a vent. Say what you want when you want. Self therapy? Or just more reason to add more hurt to the pain? Are the forces of the universe really sending back the bad karma to us? Squirrel has been going through a lot. We haven't even seen each other barely. Over the holidays, we saw very little of each other. I am not going through the same as Squirrel. By far, my problems are only a grain of salt in a heap. Therefore, willingly, we have given each other a peaceful friend break. One, to reconstruct and rebuild and two, to give each other space to think. Don't get this wrong. This is break of mutual understanding, the beauty of our new found friendship ( of less than a year but the feeling of one that stems from childhood and familiarity).

I thought "all of this negativity can't be good" not for Squirrel or for myself. Me, my personal frustration with my professional pursuits and almost years of bringing projects to fruition keep meeting obstacles. Squirrel, his personal frustrations with his own failing business and health. Yet, we wanted to soak in our woes and that wasn't working. We were bitching and not doing anything about it. I had to inspire myself to write more woe. Seriously. I had run out of topics so quickly. My range of writing skill was limited to my limitations or his or those of others. Quite depressing. So depressing that I depressed myself right out of writing about it.

So, there are a couple of what I consider very life changing events that have recently happened to make me change.  Well, right not it seems I can muster one event up:

I realized that my negativity towards my mother was bringing me down. Now, that's not shattering but for me it is. I have kept an almost "you owe me" type attitude with her. I would ask my self why I couldn't be loving or more daughterly to my mother? Why didn't I care enough? Quite honestly, I couldn't even bring my self to miss her during our annual year apart. I blamed her for me not caring enough and sometimes not even loving her enough.

In the midst, we are in the middle of a very scary probate matter (which I will spell at one point but not in this post). This event has been very Scary because it has forced me to rethink my childhood, my relationship with my parents, my father's death and my mother's new unknown illnesses. All of this has come about,exactly three years. Now, my resentment is deeply rooted beyond three years and includes my thirty nine years of life however, the tension has been worse these last years. It's unfortunate but it is closely related to inheritance, being a "daughter" in my mother's eyes, being insufficient in her mind which she will not admit and my thinking she has never loved me.

BUT BUT I AM MAKING IT WORSE FOR MYSELF. I HAVE MADE IT WORSE FOR MYSELF. TALKING ABOUT IT. EDGING IT ON. BRINGING ON MY ATTITUDE. IT IS NOT ALL ABOUT ME. IT IS NOT ABOUT ME DESERVING BETTER. YES, I DESERVE BETTER BUT NOT IN THIS, NOT ANYMORE BECAUSE I HAVE CHILDREN TO MAKE THEIR LIVES BETTER. AND THIS IS MY SPRINGING POINT.

We walked in to court about a month ago and I almost fainted thinking about the dreaded fateful outcome hoping that it be positive. And it wasn't so bad. Rewind to the night before and the promise and the revelation. The Promise: Never to speak ill or so poorly of my mother so that everything would turn out okay. The Relevation: All of my mean words of my mother were coming back to haunt me emotionally and in the end, really making her sick and me. Because I mean, she's really sick and we don't even know what it is. That worries me. And all of this is making her sick. And I'm making her sick. I'm wishing this on her indirectly and it has to stop because it's a circle and its coming back to hurt her and ultimately, me, the way it happened with my Dad. AND THEN THE DAY HAPPENED. AND IT WASN"T SO BAD. And I felt better.

Relieved that God had heard. Yes, HE who sits there whomever or whatever he is. Call him Allah, Budhha, the Extra Terrestials, Angels, this Spirit listens. He hears my pain and call. He has heard it before but me, ungrateful I forget to thank, to praise the Earth, the planet, my birthplace. Because he heard. He gave me peace that day. He heard my heart. I didn't want to lose my mom like this knowing that somehow he was giving me a chance. He was giving me the chance I wasn't given with Papi.


He heard. I heard. I heard that no more hurt. That the little resentment that I might have is not worth it, not to lose someone that is still a vital part of me and will hurt more when she's gone. No remorse will bring her back. I heard it.

Then, he heard the other prayer. There was more. There was another promise made on my part. One that acknowledges what utter irresponsibility I have shown time and time again. I can't speak of it. It is really quite embarassing. I can't even mention because it is quite shameful when my mother has trusted me so much. To think, that I literal could have ruined my mother's life ashames me and has really been a reason for me to always make excuses of my mother's behavior (or lack of motherly behavior). THEN, when another financial catastrophe was about to happen alongside the court date, I knew that no one other than my self was to blame for this. More karma, payback is miserable and revealing. Again, I prayed. I prayed for that day to change and I prayed for the opportunity by God to redeem myself and to allow me to do so discretely. I didn't deserve discretion however, I asked for it because knowing my disgusting ego, I would have found a way to "defend" my actions and not deserve any redemption at all. HE knew this. HE knew "let her just do right" and the rest will follow.

And again, my prayer was heard. Twice, one after the other. Somehow, I was able to get it together and on a deadline date. I really would like to even write further on that but am not ready yet. It will all come together under one bound cover. I hope. In the meantime, all I can say is how thankful I was. How thankful I am still.

How I look at my mother and think "forgive me, forgive me, forgive me."

I'm ready to start again. 2011. 

--Meow Meow

The Checklist

I wanted Squirrel to feel what I wanted to feel - freedom. Freedom from life, from personal woes, from things that surround us, from the material things that inprison our souls, or even just a way to scream. I suggested a "cleansing" of his home where I knew mine was in desperate need of him. I think of him now because somehow I know he is awake accompanying me in a certain way. In a certain way, we have some synergy. He is cleaning out his house and I'm writing about him cleaning out his house.

I'm so proud of him because I want to do what he is doing. I am weighted down by fear, procrastination, fearing to lose time and so many other reasons. I have inertia of not wanting to do anything. I keep seeing time standing still in my house but as a day goes by, so has five, ten or more.

I'm no longer that sexy girl with that charming smile. I no longer can cause a halting stare or the admiring grin of some handsome stranger. I'm me, I'm feeling ugly and old. Grey hairs sneakingly peep out between my dyed roots, little chick feet start sprawling around my eyes and even my husband commented on my hands getting wrinkled. Where did the time go?

I want to see new and modern. I want to have money in the bank to buy my whims. I want to buy away my aging and make it new and artificial whichever way possible. I want a pseudo cure for something that is so real that ails my soul, my inner being and even those artificial material things that surround me.

I can't sleep. I didn't even make it through the zen feng shui list AT ALL:

no mirrors in the bedrooms
cover my tv, put the tv in the corner
repaint my room
get rid of clutter
clear up my door
get  a boulder for my door
get some crystal and quartz for my house
clear the linen and things underneath the beds
finish all unfinished

Ok - i cleared out my hall way and have the plants there. I made a plan for the big mirror. I have a mini crystal but it came with jagged edges. I just feel like I'm making no headway cause I need to do this. I don't need to do these things because they will actually make me feel better. I don't need to do this because my life will be better and all the bad luck will go away. Squirrel doesn't need to do this for those purposes.

I need to do this to keep my mind occupied. So does he. I need to do this because it brings some sanity to the insanity in my mind and in my life. I need to do this because cleaning is like a ritual. It becomes habitual. It occupies time; it doesn't waste it.

You do not waste under your covers. You do not wake up at noon and realize you have lost half of your day. You do not lose time.

It makes you do something. In the end, you will have completed something rather than nothing. You will ultimately feel that something means something. And a Zero is a Full Circle of Completeness. I feel if this can be completed maybe I can feel somewhat complete. My need for accomplishment now comes from this need to check off this list because all the other lists in my life are incomplete.

Hallway better. Check.
My personal health.
Cleaned the hall cabinet. Check.
Had my health checkup.
Organized my car. Check.
Did something sexy for myself.
Went through all the pending bills. Check.
 Looked for jobs.
Bought the money plant. Check.
Confessed to my husband that I am really upset at him for not working and looking for a job.
Threw away broken dishes. Check.

Need to get my life in order...

Zenning my Life

So, I'm carefully contemplating my friend's idea of just doing "one bite at a time." This is something I really have to take to heart. I overwhelm my self with so much that I don't know how to start or how to finish. I do this in everything in life from personal, work, kids and personal projects. I'm constantly overbooked with task lists for everything.

I started thinking my own personal sanity was most important. So, to start personally, I needed to "clean" my house out. Now, this is about purging, changing, giving up. I am a confirmed and seriously addictive Pack rat where I hoard everything down to a $1 receipt to an unused dental floss, years old hotel soap and lotion to unusable furniture. I love thrift ends, recyclables and freebies even if I don't need them.

My out with the old and in with the new starts now. This includes everything from shoes, clothing, home decor, kitchen items, broken dishes and more. Now, in a house that holds items that belonged to my parents, things my mother still wants to hold on to and closets of unknowns this is a hard feat to do.


I've started religously and almost fanatically reading a Feng Shui workbook. I am totally and utterly fascinated by it. The most fascinating thing is the shared superstitions (if you will) since I mean no offense to any one who knows the logic and science of feng shui. It has such resemblance to many Latin American superstitions that I am applying anything and everything that feels right to my redecorating and purge of my home and personal life. One striking thing that the book says is to not be afraid to incorporate other cultures' traditions or beliefs especially if they feel right. I didn't really need it to say that but it helped since I felt I am definitely not a "feng shui" expert nor do I think I could lead a straight path doing so or will stray soon often as well.

But at least I'll try.

I'll try to use get my 3 elephants together facing where (?), my aloe plant to suck out the negative energies, get rue back in the garden, take a couple of rue baths, purchase my money plant, find my kua numbers and make sure that poison arrow blocking my energies is removed from the house. It's fascinating. Really. I think about all of the traditions from Latin America and how there is a saying that you shouldn't really believe but your shouldn't not believe.

I do believe in energies and bad spirits and not-so-good thoughts creeping into homes. Some people naturally carry these ills and some purposely "wish" their ills on to others. I am just the opposite, I have never wished ill on anyone, their family or their belongings. I believe that what is mine, is mine and have never really coveted others well being or things. However, this is not the case of many people or so these superstitions are born of or based of.

And our family has long believed that the "evil eye" is out there. Peruvian tradition uses huayruros as a way to ward off the evil eye where the wearing of these seeds can ward of less than nice thoughts to one's persona; or even the use of an almost massage of an egg over your body can tell if you have gotten the evil eye. I make mention of this because my "luck" has just been null. Lack of luck has been what has been determining my fate these days.

Hence, this zenning and purging to see if just my "Luck" and my general disposition can shift and change. Ok so what if you think this is voodoo schmoodoo, the point is I might just feel better. Isn't that what religion is made of as well? Some norms or things to do to feel better? So what if these are baseless theories I'm trying to do?

I am going to do
no mirrors in the bedrooms
cover my tv, put the tv in the corner
repaint my room
get rid of clutter
clear up my door
get  a boulder for my door
get some crystal and quartz for my house
clear the linen and things underneath the beds
finish all unfinished

and on and on and on and on.

Perfect day to get some spring cleaning or a new life on.

What's Love Got To Do With It?

I am like a Squirrel. I am up early at the crack of dawn scurrying around getting my things done for the day. I'm that solitary squirrel thinking what's the next step in my series of things to do. I find some peace and happiness like those squirrels collecting their nuts. I enjoy my day exploring my senses as the squirrels watching the season change before my eyes. There are rays of golden colors and hues that come through the window and form a prism of fall sensuous colors. And just as I observe the beauty of this, there's  a couple of love birds outside.

It was my neighbors embraced cognizant of only their spirits, holding and caressing each other probably to bid "good morning, farewell, have a good a day, my love " or some other tender thought. I became a squirrel in a tree, frozen, listening, observing. I watched almost in awe and wonder at such an expression of love in the morning. I realized my snooping in on this couple's obviously intimate moment was a more apparent deficiency in myself. I had a longing as I watched. I wondered, "is this what love is about?"

Will I ever have a moment of tender like this? Not one that I have shared with family or friends. I wanted a different type of openness. This was an openness of flagrant morning sensuality that brings just a small grin to your lips and wanting to your soul. Or is it a longing in the heart? Will I ever have a chance to hug, caress, feel that warmth, have an intimate moment or share a hidden a smile like the ones of my neighbors doing so now?

They continued giggling, embracing, sharing passionate kisses almost not worrying where they had to get to. Whether a train or bus was missed, whether the time card was punched late and morning work fell behind, this was not among their worries. She stared at him coquetishly, her long black curly hair wisping in the morning fall wind and he stared back grinning embracing her into his large black overcoat as if to make sure she didn't escape keeping her warm and close to him. I wanted to interrupt this realm of surreality to me. "Don't you have something to do? Aren't you going to be late?" That was better than thinking of what I was missing.


Maybe I wasn't like that squirrel. Maybe the solitude is not what I want. I may be lonely but I'm not alone. I want to experience a different type of open love but yet so intimate that no one or thing can interrupt a moment. I want to feel what these two enamored beautiful people are feeling. They are beautiful because they must be experiencing some awesome beauty that holds them together in such an intense and enduring gaze. It holds me as well. I am almost ashamed to be watching them and ashamed to be wanting the same. I almost hate to turn around and miss this wonderous moment of bliss. I feel a buzz; it's like soft zenful music that sings to me. I walk away wondering " will I always be looking from behind" instead of being part of the picture?

I turn, time to collect the nuts. - SQUIRREL



A movie that makes you think about "missed opportunities." 

Morning Reflection. Make it Right.

I woke up in the fowlest of moods. Literally, had I been a day time vampire, I would have ravished the blood of thousands. However, I am just a meek human and therefore, I had to wind down my temper and control myself. I remember my brashness and stinging words on some of my past but recent rampades and made sure this morning's mom rant and rave did not offend.

It wasn't easy. It's scary how your children come out like you whether by osmosis, inheritance or force of nature. I get scared to see how much one of my children has that sad, depressive nature that I grew up with. The only difference is that I fought all along the way. I fought feeling that way, unsure of myself and unhappy about my surroundings and made the best of it, somehow. Whether my early school day writing, my imagination, my outdoor after school adventures, or my fascination with barbies helped me through it all. Now, I am praying and hoping that will help him. Whether his fancy is wrestling, or games or reading, ANYTHING that will help him take him away from the darkness. Because it doesn't matter if the day is sunny, the weather is gray, the darkness comes from within.

Like this morning, I didn't know why I wanted to hail a plate across the wall. I didn't know why I wanted to scream. I did know why I wanted to run but that would only serve to make matters worse. So, I stayed within my four walls. And here, he was feeling the same. Why?

Am I to blame because I show my true colors way too much to my kids. They know when I'm up. They know when I'm down. They know when my mood and my demeanor hang on the preface looking down.

And so the day started for my son and myself. The same. I sharply said without hesitation and without a tenderly bone in my bod. "Snap out of it. What happened yesterday is gone. It's spilt milk. Don't worry about it."

But, he was worried about it. He was crying about not passing a test and having had a terrible day. I said, "That's all? C'mon, it's over. Today is a new day and it's your chance to start over. Don't worry about it."

So, that sounds pretty decent but it wasn't. He needed more. He needed a hug, a comfort, a kind and tender motherly word but I couldn't do it. Not today. And Here I am thinking still about it. When I said I wouldn't be my mother, here I was wearing her shoes again.

I will make it right today. I will hug him and cuddle him when I get home. I will go out with him only today. Today, he will be my oldest and my first baby as he deserves to be.

And today, I will be the person I deserve to be. Happy. - MEOW MEOW

I Can Eat Pie but not All Kids Can Especially DC Kids

I'm livid. While I complain about not being able to eat my pie, there are kids out there that really can't eat a pie or a piece of pie. Mind you, do I think pie is the healthiest thing to eat for a kid? Why no, but you're allowed to have a treat and that includes any kids even my own. My own kids are pretty healthy and yes, certainly over eat. Thank goodness, they can. Thank goodness, they have the right to open the fridge or pantry and eat to their heart and stomach's desire. Is it always healthy? Maybe not.

This posting isn't about them. It isn't about whether eating pie is healthy. It isn't about whether the pie is organic, a lemon Hostess pie or a Burger King chocolate pie. It is about what's available to most DC children in our school systems.

The truth is the majority of the children in the DC School system come from truly challenged lower income household families some of which may or may not be receiving some government assistance. These are children that have every right to afford the same services - paid or unpaid - as those families that find them selves in some of the more affluent wards of the city.

There has been a long time debate about 1) providing healthier food options for children in DC schools and now recently 2) DC Schools have offered a third-meal alternative for children staying in the aftercare programs up until 6:00pm. The debate for kids having healthier food option is on because most kids are still not getting the healthy food options when they get to the school. They might be coming from a home where all they eat are frozen meals, food, from a can, high carbs and little or no veggies or fruit. The DC School system has traditional offered the same nutritionless meals  BUT IS AT LEAST TRYING TO MAKE THE DIFFERENCE and improve the menus. They have hired a new Food Services Director and I am excited about his background to explore the healthier food options for kids. So, in the mix, our kids on these meals are still challenged nutritionally but there is a movement to change that. Then, comes the third meal!

Apparently, many of these kids are going home with only the meals they receive at school. Some families are not providing more food for their kids when they go home. They can't afford it. Food options are lean at home and a healthy meal is not always available. Hence, the school system has introduced this. I think they are right on point!!!!!

Yet, naysayers are angry that these kids get a free "ride" or meal (those Tea Party-ers). How can food-stamp, medicaid, low income families get more? How dare they just throw away our tax dollars? Naysayers don't think kids stay hungry. They don't know what it is to be growing up any more. They don't care about nutritional values and about taking in the right amount of nutritional calories and the combination of thereof. It's all about whether how many families are taking advantage of the "welfare" system and why should we feed someone else's kid?

My goodness. It's disgusting. It's a child, for goodness sake! This is someone we are investing our future with, a future good citizen of society. You don't care since you look away at the countless new and old homeless people living among us every day now. But, you still don't want to let that kid eat that meal? Let them pay the sins of their parents. Let those low income or middle income kids (from struggling families) continue drinking their dyed red Hi-C drink and their moon pies with what little money they scramble up. They don't need some nutritional value to help them learn their way to school or feel energized to concentrate six hours of the day. For most, they spend more than nine hours out of the day out of the home and should be able to tote their nutritional meals with them. Or at least pay for them. At least the law-abiding tax citizens would like us to understand.

DCist What's on the Menu
Post Article Fight Child Hunger


I am just angry about this. I will be ranting and following this for a while. I'm on a mission. - MEOW MEOW

Virginia, Where Love Lies - Literally!

Not. Or maybe this posting should be retitled as Southern Road Rage?

Are you kidding me? I am from the South. So, I know Southern Charm. Virginia is not that. Virginians are singular, insulated, and aloof (to not say rude). Then, there's their curbside manners which are for shit.

I just can't stand it. While trying to take care of my needs of this disastrous life of trials that I am going through. No food, no money, poor health and worrying about the tiniest of details...like wondering if my lights will be inevitably cut off?  Getting off the subject...

I just experienced the scariest moment of being cut off abruptly. The driver in front of me apparently was not sure where to go, made a break suddenly and almost caused a traffic pile up. After several screeching and sideways cars afterward, I regained my composure of actually fearing to lose my life (for once), I spot the license plate "Virginia is for Lovers."

Yeah dead lovers and family. People don't realize how inept and foolish actions can cause such deadly reactions and results. To every action there is an equally opposite reaction. You see so many of these deadly accidents happen on Virginia roadways. Half of these foolish actions also come from foolish non-sensible large ass SUV-driving cell- phone driving fools and midgets behind the wheel with no conscience or brain. They have no respect for their fellow drivers. Turn signals were made for a reason. There is a reason for checking your rear and side view mirrors.

I hate feeling these demonic thoughts for these "loving" people especially after I just left Church praying, in fellowship and praise. I want to push an eject button and catapult these assanine drivers back into their homes whence they came from. I have no love for them. You may say that these are the ramblings of a crazy squirrel - this squirrel actually has been a driving instructor for many years. I am allowed to make remarks like this. After all, I'm just squirrel trying to get a nut.

I like squirrels far too much and too many of them are roadkill because of this. DC is for Squirrels and black ones at that! I'm keeping my Black Squirrel Ass in DC. - SQUIRREL

Something Really Knawing Me

It is there. Always. It's hiding. It wants to come out. I almost can thing back to that book that for two years, I've had such a hard time reading and following. I just picked it up and started reading it again. "Eat. Pray. Love." The writer talks about her depression and loneliness and how it haunts her like two individuals that just appear.

I am resisting a tear, a frown, an influx of feelings coming on. I don't what it is. Why it's come back? Why does it happen to me? Why?

Am I not healthy? Do I not have work? More than enough work? Children that love and adore me? Is that not enough? Why do I pain so much? Why is it so excruciatingly painful?

This battle with myself is downhill today. The minute my body crosses over the office threshold, it starts. This not right. Not sage, incense or power of positive thought can save my inner distress. I am soo distracted, confused and without direction, it hurts.

I want to feel sorry for my self. I want to be disappointed. I want to encourage my sense or lack of unaccomplishment.

The tears have halted. I feel anxiousness and some relief somehow. Yet, like the writer of that book. I know it lurks, it will still be there in a little while, tomorrow, the day after. I really don't like that. I fear.  - MEOW MEOW

Friendship Disapppointment

I'd like to think I taught my best friend well. Well, I'd like to say she is one of my best friends. I have several friends that I care for greatly and each one I love differently valuing differently for whom they are. With that said, this friend has been dear to me for more than 18 years or so. We've had our ups and downs like everyone but have managed to work it out. We've lived through both of ours - but mostly hers - new-and-soon-very-bored-with or complicated friendships that were tossed away. I know, that sounds callous "tossed" as if no value of importance was a part of that friendship. Yet, when we would evaluate someone knew who had the value of the unknown and if one unpleasant trait outweighed and good ones, "bye bye." It has been easy for me to since I really only take someone close to heart rarely (time is both of ours enemy as is a family). Whereas, my friend is single and time is still on her side to go shopping, to the movies, dancing, dinner and therefore, alternate "new friend of the season." Then, the bosom buddiness would wear off; someone's ugliness or true self would beam through and eval time came along. I would always say to my friend to treasure her time and not "give" so much of herself but to give to someone who really truly valued it.

Me, for example. Because even with the little time that I have, I would make sure that we spend quality time - church, catching up, helping each other out (if there was a need for that) or just a lending ear. She seemed to understand that. She starting cutting loose "friendships" that were not beneficial to her persona and soul and I applauded for it.

Therefore, I applaud her now because I am the one she has decided to cut loose. After much upset on my part for a couple or reasons, her response was to "I'll just delete your phone number." It wasn't " I'm sorry" or even if it was "I'm sorry" some kind of dialogue denying any wrong doing. And to her it may not have been any wrong doing but I certainly felt it was.

I felt jilted. I felt ignored. Everytime I called or made plans to do something, there was no time for me. Once I got dissed on my bday, I really got mad and decided, I'm not calling, I'm not taking calls, I'm not texting, I'm not nothing. And I didn't. She got the picture. She also called me after having just recently left me a message after another one which as about a month and a half of not talking to each other. Now, she left me a very angry message as if she didn't know why I was upset.

That made me madder. I called her back and said to not dare to leave me a message, that I was too old for that. More so, she gave me more reason as to why I didn't want to speak to her. Now, I had planned on just forgetting everything because I knew I was being childish. Usually, I get upset, I don't say anything and let things just tide over. I had thought "this isn't very Christian of me" and I do love her so forget about it. But, her call left me so upset that she had no inkling of recognition that I could not just sit there and ignore her message.


Although I may sound like a selfish brat, I know that she is being more egotistical than I.

My just writing this is my way of trying to figure out, "am I wrong?" I think I might be. But guess what?

I am also very disappointed. This was not the reaction I expected and I think it portrays a lot of the ugly truth about this person that I have known for years (knowing some of her selfishness, egoism and more). On the other hand, she has also been countless of times, selfless, kind and a ear of support. But right now, all I can think of was her response.

"I'm deleting your number on my phone." That "my friends" and non-friends, is called friendship disappointment. This one was worth writing about. The others have not been.

Boredom is what encapsulates my Day

Oh yay! Such thrill for thou will readest nothing but pure and sheer no wit coming out of the cerebral cortex of my brain. How doth my brain not worketh? Yesterday, company I walked out of the house and spent the day with my niece. Today, subjected to the trivial workings of a mere peasant cleaning the less than humble abode or another of the like meaning swapping the deck of a shithole. Boy, am I in a stinker of the mood. The hot chocolate has not made me any happier.

If I were a bobcat and a gazelle, I would so pounce. Jeez, just the thought of that. My goodness, I have some pent up anger.

Me thinkst that I breaketh now because I am not in the least bit interested in attempting to delight or inspire some wit. - MEOW MEOW